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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would be very grateful for advice. I have been with my alcoholic s.o. for four years. We are not kids -- in fact, we are middle-aged. He is one of the "charming" variety of drunks, no Dr.Jekyl and Mr. Hyde situation. But I am at wit's end.
Last fall I thought I had decided to leave him when he took a terrible fall after a night of drinking. This was the beginning of a medical nightmare. While recovering from his injuries and still drinking and taking painkillers, he took another fall, resulting in another injury. He got sicker and sicker and we both thought he might have Parkinsons or some other systemic disease. I also thought it might just have been the huge amounts of alcohol he consumed. Anyway, we were both wrong. He had a life-threatening infection, probably contracted in the ER after the first fall.
Before we found that out, he announced that he was going into rehab, and of course, I was really pleased that he had made the decision. I was particularly pleased that he had made it without any ultimatums from me. He went through detox and was "honorably discharged" because he just kept getting sicker. Then he had a real medical crisis and almost died until the doctors figured it out and did emergency neurosurgery. This required six weeks of hospitalization and a month at home before he could return to work. I knocked myself out helping him get through this.
He seemed a changed man, grateful to have a second chance and determined to stay sober. After five and a half months from entering rehab, he began drinking again this month. He did not tell me and lied outright -- I think for the first time, although there was plenty of indirect deception in the past -- when I asked him about it. He told me on July 4 that he would stop the next day. I don't live with him, so I don't know for sure, but I have a familiar sinking feeling. I think that he is drinking again.
Here is my dilemma. He has a second surgery planned and will receive the date for that in a couple of weeks. Although it is not life-and-death, he will need a lot of assistance to get through it. There is a six-week recovery period estimated. I told him on July 4 that I help him if he was not drinking, but I don't think he believed that I won't if he is drinking.
How do I draw the line? He already has hit bottom -- it was when he was covered with blood, shaking and in withdrawl, and the paramedic made a sign with her hand of someone putting a glass to his mouth as a way of asking me if he had been drinking. I shook my head yes. His drinking almost killed him, and in rehab he was told that he would be committing suicide if he resumed it. I believe that he will be dead in five years, if not sooner, if he continues to drink.
Although I love him, I can't be a party to this any longer. I am neglecting my own life for his, and it would have been ok as a temporary thing if he had been able to quit.
But I am struggling with how to talk to him, how to make it clear that I am not going to help him with the surgery if he is drinking. And I don't see him every day, so I won't know if he is lying. I wonder if I should tell his brother and sister. I hesitate to tell his 26-year old son, on his way to graduate school in another state, but then he probably knows already. They all supported him when he was so ill and they were thrilled that he went into rehab -- and they adore me because they think I saved him. Maybe they could step in?
He has many friends, too. I could tell them. I wonder about just sending a group email telling them. Hard to imagine that they would do an intervention, but maybe.
I have an awful feeling that if I help him through this surgery, that there will be just be another performance like the one earlier this month. He won't drink for a while because, for one thing, he won't be able to drive, and then it will resume.
He has me over a barrel in a way. He is my friend, I love him, he has helped me through bad times -- although nothing to do with substance abuse -- and he needs this surgery.
Please advise. I really am devastated that he has resumed drinking after having what looked like the wake-up call of the century. The surgeon said it was a matter of hours and he would have died. Wouldn't you think that would scare him straight? But alcohol owns him and it has reclaimed its power. It is deeply depressing.
My heart aches for how you're feeling...I've had the same feelings about my (now sober) A husband in the past. I'm so sorry you are having a hard time trying to figure out what you need to do to stay sane.
I am not giving you any advice. I can only say that for me, I had to realize that I was the only one who could decide what was right for me. Ultimately it was/is my choice if I stay or go. I have had counselors tell me that same thing, and darn it, I hated to hear it! But deep down I knew they were right. I just didn't want to be the one who had to make that decision! I wanted some magical answer, so I didn't seem like the "bad" one.
I can only say that if you keep coming back here for support, you will get just that...support. We all have been in a similar situation, knowing that we have to let them go...detach with love...to take care of ourselves.
One thing I learned again this weekend, at our local Music City Roundup (AA & Alanon yearly conference in Nashville, TN) is that they desperately don't want to be the way they are, stricken with the disease of alcoholism. But for some reason, they are. It opened my eyes, just a little more, to the fact that my husband didn't choose the disease, it chose him. How sad that is, because it could have very well been ME that had it. Now THAT'S a sobering thought!
I can only offer you experience, strength and hope. I pray that your HP will guide you to a decision that you can handle. And you will be ok, just trust your HP to take care of you.
I think we get sucked in to the caretaker roll and think it is our total responsibility. Knowing that he is a grown man tells me that he is old enough to make his own arrangements should you decide not to assist him. Obviously he has siblings, as you mentioned. It really isn't up to you to care for him. It's only up to you to decide if you want to or not. After that he should be allowed to make his own choices just as you would do if the situation was turned around. You could remind him of your boundary and tell him in advance.... should you discover he is drinking then it would be advisable for him to arrange a back up plan for care. Fairly simple eh?
Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I read your post and can tell you love this person a lot. I invite you to continue in Al Anon because the more educated you are in this disease, the easier you can make the decisions you want to.
We cannot control what other people do. Whether it is if they go ahead and smoke when they have heart disease, eat cheesecake when they have diabetes, or drink alcohol when they are an alcoholic.
Talking about detachment is a biggie here. Our A's don't use to hurt us or pull us down personally. It is totally their disease. We cannot control it, we did not cause it, and we cannot cure it.
NOTHING we do will make them use or not.
For me, I absolutely stopped having anything to do with the disease and loved the man. I did not stop loving him because he drank and make both our lives sad. It was the disease not him. He would never have chose to be an alcoholic anymore than I would chosen to live with being shy and ultra sensitive.
My friends and family loved me, even though I could not go to family get togethers or go where there were a lot of people.
I have a friend who is a doctor. Once he said how frustrating it is when the health profession is based on keeping people well. And what they treat are people who consistantly abuse their bodies.
Bipasses, a vascular system that is so brittle that they touch a vein and it breaks apart, Lungs black from cig. smoke.
It is up to us if we want to support our loved ones when they are very sick. It is not our job to police them if they use or not.
Making a boundary of, "I will not help you if you drink." Is totally up to you. It is not right or wrong. It is taking care of you. That is the best thing.
If you feel supporting this friend as you have before is not what you choose to do, but you care, send cards, stop by, decorate his room a bit.
Imagine you could not stop eating chocolate. You knew it made you sick but you could not stop. A surgery is coming up and you cont. to eat it. A friend tells you if you keep eating chocolate, I won' be there for you. How would you feel?
We learn it is not our job to take anyone elses inventory. Runs with its none of your business. NOT saying that to you. Telling everyone he is using to me, well is it your job to do that?
Can you imagine how much that would hurt him? We all have a very urgent need, to be loved not for ourselves, but to be loved, in spite of ourselves .
I PRAY that when my AH goes down that I will be called to help him. I want to so very badly.
As far as bottom, NO ONE knows someone elses bottom. sometimes the person him or herself does not know.
We pray the A will get sick enough, tired enough to not do it anymore. Some never do. Some drink while they are dieing. It is a powerful, horrible disease. You said it yourself Alcoholism has him. And it does. We can do nothihng about that.
All i did and do is love mine. Mine, besides being an addict, is brain damaged from surgery. The disease has done horrible things to me thru him.
He is and I am so in love, and have been to each other all our lives. I believe he is so tortured now, he does not remember our love.
I keep it all inside me. But if I got to see a glimpse on him, I would give about anything.
If I were you, I would do what I feel comfy with. Ask yourself, If he dies, what would you regret? Then decide how much you can give without allowing the disease to suck you dry.
I am very proud that you are not falling into the pit. I can tell you, there are also options. this time, if you choose to be involved, give yourself anti stressors., support him in the way you feel ok in doing, allow him the dignity of being who he is without judgement.
Whether a loved one drinks, or does any drugs or eats too much or gets an F on a report card. I do not feel it is my job to point that out.
they know their weaknesses better than we do. to know we are loved anyway and know no one tries to change us, is comforting.
Glad you are here, keep coming back. much love,debilyn
You reminded me of where I was when the disease was raging in my marriage to the alcoholic with the title of your post. What I imagined aptly described the position I was also in. The line between the devil and the deep blue sea is very thin and on one side I was so very close to the fire and on the other side I was drowing in the problem. Not a good picture until I add into it my years of membership in the Al-Anon Family Groups and the thousands of members in this fellowship that literally helped save my life.
There is a possible solution you can consider. It is a suggestion as we try never to give advise to another member for fear of the outcomes. The suggestion is that you call the local AA Central Office and see if they can have someone come around to your s.o. place and do a 12th step. Get a copy of the twelve steps to understand what takes place. One recovering drunk working with another drunk to hopefully get and keep them sober. No one talks openly and honestly with a wet drunk like a drunk with program sobriety.
You have not been able to do it and your life is reaching unmanageability (Step 1). There is a power greater than yourself who you need to have an understanding of and when you ask to step in and help you can lead you to sanity, (step 2). You can make a decision to turn your life and will over to your higher power (step 3) and make a call to AA so they might come out an help your s.o.
you say you are "struggling with how to talk to him, how to make it clear that I am not going to help him with the surgery if he is drinking. " - and I have to say, you sounded pretty eloquent to me!
As others have said, only you can decide what's right for you; but if this is it, there's nothing wrong with calmly and compassionately saying exactly what you said to us:
"I love you, but I can't be a party to this any longer. I can't watch you kill yourself any longer. I am neglecting my own life for yours." "I get the feeling your family thinks I saved you, but the truth is only you can save yourself."
Great idea about contacting AA. AA also has "open" meetings where anyone - like you - can go and listen. Hearing an A other than my own speak was enormously eye-opening for me. You might be able to talk with someone one-on-one after the meeting, too, about your own situation.
Take baby steps - they still get the baby across the room. Just takes a while.
OMG!! This is my story incarnate, except that he nearly killed both of us in a vehicle accident! He had been drinking, but not a whole lot that day. I knew nothing about alcoholics at that time (it was our first official date, actually). What a smashing experience, LOL.The truck hydroplaned into a cement pillar on the hwy. If he had been totally sober, he would have had better reflexes. To make a long story short, he had to have 3 hip surgerys, all related to drinking,One from the truck accident, one from falling off a balcony, and one from falling from a lawn chair. He also had a serious infection possibly from the hospital and nearly died from that. This was all over several years. Thank HP, I had found this board, and that was the beginning of my return to sanity! I had nursed him with all the TLC in me through the 1st two surgeries. Anyway, when he had his 3rd surgery,(I had warned him I wouldn't look after him if he had any more alcohol-related injuries) I picked him up from the hospital, dropped him off at his mother's empty house (she was in hosp.) and left him there. He asked me what he was going to do, and I told him to hire a nurse! That still didn't stop his drinking.There is nothing that we can do to stop them from drinking. Period. Years later, (last year) he went on a binge and I wouldn't let him in my house. He had been violent once before, and that was my first boundary, that he couldn't drink and be near me. It is a progressive disease, and possibly sooner or later, violence will occur. My A is an absolutely wonderful man when he is sober, but is definately Jeckle/Hyde. I wish I could turn off the love button, I have prayed for it many times, but it seems that no matter how he treats me, I can't! He is everything to me, we have so much in common when he is sober, etc., etc... This year, he hasn't touched a drop of alchohol since July or Aug. We have been very, very happy together this year, so far. You see, I always put the if, and or but, because Aism can rear it's ugly head at any time. I can't totally believe in him, he is an A, will always be an A, but it looks like we'll always be stuck with each other, lol. Best of luck to you, there are a lot of wonderful people here on this board that understand exactly where you are at. Love, TLC
