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I didn't allow myself to question why in the heck I persisted in staying with my A as long as I did until he was gone. I've been thinking and journaling about it, comparing my A to previous relationships. Yup, lots of similarities, all three were with depressed addicts!
On my part, I am an idealizer. I fell in love with my current A so hard it made me sick with it. In retrospect, plenty of his character traits that were agony to live with in the past years were there. I wasn't stupid OR young, so no excuses. I saw them, and wished them away.
I used to joke that when I met my current A, he was so "good" I thought, "Thank God, I finally found someone different, he's not an addict." Then as we continue dating, he admits he has a history of doing 'everything' insofar as drugs. I then admitted I must really love addicts. Every single significant relationship was with someone who abused something, alcohol, speed, or pills. All were a bit on the 'low functioning' side, ie, struggling with something important, like finances, health, work, etc. All were depressed and especially angry. And I fell in love with them like I jumped off a high rise!
What's wrong with my 'picker'???!!!
I have vivid memories of the current A when we were dating and then living together in the first year. I was so in love with him, I almost believed there was something magic about him. In retrospect, the A needed to be idealized as much as I needed to idealize him. Where our marraige began to fall apart is when my idealization fell away. He insisted I idealize him, sometimes openly! and was upset and probably confused when I stopped.
I see this as very much a two way street. When you enter a serious relationship, there's a series of silent agreements made. Ours was about needing to idealize, and needing to be idealized. The previous relationships . . . yup, the same. So I bailed on our "initial agreement" as much as he did. Obviously it wasn't a healthy agreement, but it was an agreement we made.
But on my part, what's this "glittery" thing that is so attractive about addicts? Most people would run like hell! But I do love them, I must, look at my track record. And yes, my Dad is an alcoholic and addict, but this 'theory' can't explain it all.
I was hoping to hear other's experiences if they relate to this. Thanks for listening :D .
Kim, I can't talk about loving addicts my whole life, although the few men who fell in love with me instead of vice versa were recovering alcoholics. Mine instead were unavailable men. My first 'love' when I was 13 was a 30 year old married teacher -- unavailable, needless to say. He ended it from one hour to the next without ever telling me. He just suddenly was no longer there, and I couldn't bring myself to ask him what had happened. Just kept hoping.
Six years later, sitting at a red light in my hometown, thinking about my promiscuous teen years, I suddenly realized that I was trying to make that first relationship turn out the way I'd wanted it to. Maybe he hadn't loved me and stayed with me, but one of these other ones would. They were all unavailable -- a few were married, much to my current shame, plenty of others were self-declared commitment-phobes -- whatever.
It's what I was used to. Psychologists would probably say it's what I felt I deserved. Maybe it's what you're used to -- the drama, excitement, not ever knowing where you really stand. That happens with an alcoholic or with someone who won't commit. My alcoholic has committed himself to me like I always dreamed someone would, but he's still unavailable. I would think Dad deserves a further look.
If there ever has to be a next time for me, I always swear it will be different. I've done that for the last 20 years, though. I hope your next time is different.
I was all about the unavailable men too! Either men who weren;t that interested in me that I'd love from a distance, or men I got involved with who just emotionally weren't there and I had to put all the work in, or even long-distance relationships where we couldn't physically be together! I think when someone is unavailable, then they can stay "perfect" in your mind for that much longer.
Addict's were never attractive to me - hy husband is the only addict I have ever been with, and I didn't know about his drinking until after we got married. My Dad is/was an alcoholic too, so I always vowed I'd never end up with one - oh well
Maybe someone else has more insight - I can't feckin figure it out!
I went for the charming, unreliable drunk every time - normal guys who show up on time and do what they said they would have never even showed up on my radar screen.
My daughter has been sending little "Would you ever get married again?" probes my way. I know what she wants to hear so I'm telling it to her "No, I loved your dad too much to think about anybody else for a long long time" but inside, what I am thinking is "Lord, I HOPE not!"
Gosh, Kim, I was just thinking about this. Actually, I think about it often. I grew up in an alcoholic home, the first boy I fell in love with when I was 14 was an alcoholic, The first long term relationship I had was with an abusive alcoholic and then I married one. I had a few experiences with non-alcoholics and I was just not interested. Looking back now, I see how incredibly kind and respectful they were. That tells me I can attract non-alcoholics but I was not attracted to them. Every single one of my friends is either an A or taking care of one. I am the only one in alanon although all of my A friends have been in and out of rehab and AA. We are all employed (or unemployed LOL) in the Arts. What a surprise! I love my friends, they are my family and I can accept them right where they are as they do me. My ex on the other hand, I have a harder time with. I was attracted to him for many reasons good and bad and I fell in love with him for all of the reasons people fall in love. I see my patterns and I pray with the help of this program I will not have to repeat my mistakes. At this moment, I am not ready for any relationship. I have faith that HP will put someone in my life when I am ready. I believe that HP put my ex in my life to love him and have my beautiful kids. I know I gave my ex something that he never got growing up, love. And I learned so very much from him about so many things. We were very connected and it is sad that the disease and his mental illness took that from him, and me, and our kids. But for today, I see my pattern, my faults and my history and I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that I can do things differently next time. There is so much that makes up who I am and why I am the way I am that I have my whole life to think about this. Good luck and remember to focus on the positive!
LOL! Lin, no kidding! What a great thing to say to your daughter :D .
I can't even imagine starting all over again even with a certified saint.
I figure this 'tendency' to fall for depressed alcoholics isn't isolated in terms of 'the next love of my life'. It must affect my relationship to myself in some way. Maybe it is just a matter of what you grow up with, what you "imprint" upon.
When I worked in chemical dependency, I did a lot of admissions. I found myself realizing the new admissions I spoke of as "a really nice guy/gal, such a sweetheart, poor thing" turned out to be some of the worst behavior problems in the hospital. "Your favorite patient was caught smoking crack in the bathroom last night," I heard (with various drugs) in morning report just a bit too often.
I think I am attracted to people in general with poor boundaries. There wasn't much 'getting to know you', because within a few minutes we were sharing extremely personal things. I've known this for a while, and have developed some insight. People with poor boundaries seem to give me an instant feeling of 'safety'. It couldn't be further from the truth.
My father was a very critical and mean person, and though I don't remember ever loving him, I must have, and ended up seeking out the same kind of miserable individual to reenact it all with. If that's the 'answer', how boring! Well, I'll take what truths I'll get, even the unexciting ones.
Relationships that build slowly over time have been rare in my life. They have been painful enough that I don't enter into them easily anymore. Gotta a lot to learn.
Oh wow! I just had to reply again. Relationships that build slowly over time......I've never heard of such a thing! LOL! I have always kind of joked about the fact that the A and I met and next thing ya know I was pregnant, married and we had a house. Literally within 3 months of getting together I was pregnant. We talked on the phone all night one night and he moved in with me the very next day. Until I read that sentence in your post "relationships that build slowly over time..." I didn't really understand that I have no idea what that means. In the past few months of being alone I have been asked out and gone out with a few different men. None of them wanted to move in with me after the first date so, I just assumed that means they don't like me. LOL! Wow! what an insight! Infact, there is a man i am interested in and we were just hanging out last night. He is charming and funny and very respectful of me. This is the second time we have "hung out" just in a group of friends having dinner and conversation. As I was driving home, alone, I was really wondering what was wrong with me that he wasn't calling me, or trying to get me into bed, or following me home. It seems like he is trying to get to know me....how wierd is that! Ofcourse, I'm thinking" You're single,cute and paying attention to me....Why are we NOT living together? I mean, we've met TWICE already!" LOL!! HHmmm guess I need to have patience and faith. Anyway, just wanted to thank you for putting words to my life!
With my A, we had this LONG conversation late one night after evening shift, in the parking lot. I drove home in a trance. I called my best friend the next day and said "I think I found the man I'm going to marry." Howz that for getting to know somebody!! It felt magical and "meant to be". And three months later he moved in. He wasn't even divorced from his first wife, but that was no biggie :D .
If a guy didn't act like he was going to die if I didn't sleep with him SOON, like you I wondered if it was my hips or if I wasn't just a dork or SOMETHING. If I was treated with respect and maturity, I'm sure I never noticed, just assuming I was somehow unworthy.
I could lose 20 pounds but I've not had too much trouble "attracting" attention. So it's not my looks per se that I could blame. It must just be plain old low self esteem, I certainly came by it honestly considering my childhood. But I didn't know I had low self esteem, I thought I felt fine about myself. Go figure.
Ahhh...the age old what's wrong with my picker question. I have asked that one a million times and now my picker is on hiatus. I have quite a few more than 20 to lose and blame my weight for my problems for sure. Not only being alone now but settling for substandard men. I guess it's a beggars can't be choosers or take what you can get mentality. I was up till 2:30 in the morning wondering why don't I stop it? I know I'm the only one who can change it I control what I put in my mouth, I control if I smoke or not but I just can't seem to control MYSELF!! All this effort expended to control someone else and I can't even listen to myself so why should I expect anyone else to? Maybe if I kept thinking in terms of 20 and then 20 more and 20 more it would seem more managable? Anyway, thanks for the post. Same story met at work (social work shoulda been a red flag right there) talked all night for a week, married the next and off to our happy fairy tale life... Only the prince turned into a frog instead of the other way around!!!
