The material presented
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I am new here, i don't have anyone to talk to. I love my husband so much but he can't seem to stop drinking. He is not mean to me or our son but I feel so lonely . he does,nt understand how his drinking shuts me out. We made an agreement that I would lose weight and he would cut down on his drinking, i have lost an enormous amount of weight ( I was obese), but he has not tried to stop. I am so scared he never will. I have a four year old son and I don't want him to grow up in an alchoholic home. My husband's parents are alchoholics too but he always tries to minimize his Mom's drinking, as well as his own. I am so angry at him but i don't want to give up on him. He just won't face his drinking. I just needed to see if anyone knows what to do? i dont want to worry and cry all the time.
Welcome to MIP and Al-Anon. I think that you will find that although our stories are different, they are also the same!!
The first thing that I learned when I came to Al-Anon was the 3 C's. I didn't cause my AH to drink, I couldn't control it and I sure couldn't cure it. It was such a relief to hear that. I had spent so much time and energy trying to control the chaos around me, that I was just as sick as my AH!!
In Al-Anon we keep the focus on us and not the A--so that we can have serenity whether the A is drinking or not. We do this by working the 12 steps of AA ourselves and giving comfort and support to the families and friends of As.
One of the first things we learn is self-care. Congratulations on your weight loss--that is wonderful!! When I came to Al-Anon, I hadn't been to the dentist for 10 years (even though I had insurance) and hadn't seen an OB/GYN for 3 years--how could I?? I was too busy trying to get my AH to take care of himself!! So, now I put myself first. I take care of what I need to be sane. I try not to get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (also known as HALT) so that I can deal with what life brings me. I go to the dentist and I have my annual exams and I take care of myself because I am worth it!!
I also learned how to detach from my AH with love. Someone told me that detaching with love does not mean amputation. Instead, it means learning how to let go of the AH while still caring for him--let the A make his own choices and live with the consequences. Learning how not to enable the A or play into the mind games that they play to justify their behavior. Not basing how I feel on how he feels. Learning how to set boundaries--I can't make him do anything, but I do not have to put up with inappropriate behavior.
I know that this is alot and you are probably feeling overwhelmed, but keep coming back. You will find support and healing in this program. I would also encourage you to find a local face 2 face meeting to go to as well. You will find alot of support online, but sometimes there is nothing like a good cry with others who know exactly what you are going through--and hugs are good too!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Hello Tammy congratulatins onthe weight loss , that exercise alone should make it clear that you or your weight are not the problem . Nothing u say or do will make him drink ( or the way u look ) or stop . this is a disease and at the moment he dosent see it as a problem . You do . Al-Anon will help u come to terms with this and show u how to get on with your life while he makes his decissiions. the beauty of that for me was that I didn't have to leave my marriage to do that , I learned here to make myself happy ,get back into getting a life ofmy own . Alcoholism is abusive , we are alone . Once settled in al anon your never alone again , you will meet new friends , who will share thier solutions with you . people who understand exactly how u feel . here is the toll free number for info o meetings in your area . 1-888=4alanon good luck Louise
One thing that made it easier for me was when I stopped being angry or hurt because of what he WASN'T and just was glad for what he was. I am sure your husband has many things about him that you love - you can still love those, while finding ways to protect yourself from the ones you don't, and getting those needs met that he just is not able (or willing) to meet.
We say here - "stop going to the hardware store for bread". Most alcoholics just are not able to give us the love and attention we want from them. It is not that they do not love us, just that their addiction consumes almost all of their energy and focus. One symptom of the disease is being very self centered. So, you can beat yourself up about this, wonder what is wrong with you that this man doesn't seem to love you the way you need, OR you can accept that this is how he is, enjoy the love he CAN give you, and find a way to get your need for affection met in other healthy ways. You can't make him better, but you can make better choices for yourself. Some of us have found that we can continue to be happy in the marriage, others have found that they need to leave in order to keep themselves safe and happy. You will find the choice that is right for you - we are not going to tell you to "leave the bum" - we know what it is to love someone who doesn't act the way he is 'supposed' to.
Everyone's given you great ideas. You're in such a tough situation, and my heart goes out to you. Mine alcoholic had quit heroin cold turkey 15 years ago -- no NA, no methadone, nothing -- and always figured he'd be able to do the same with alcohol when he decided to. It was really affecting us badly, and he was definitely getting worse, so he started making all sorts of plans about how to stop drinking. Probably like you did in the middle of a binge before you figured out how to eat and exercise right for you. I know in the middle of eating binges I'd swear off junk, overeating, all of it, and make all sorts of plans for how I was going to change my life. It sure never lasted long until I got to the same place you apparently did.
My A has made elaborate plans about what he was going to do to stop drinking. At first it was how he'd cut back, control it. Then he realized he's have to stop, and he made plans about how he'd do that. It was always done while drinking, though. It took 1 1/2 years, but it finally hit home that it didn't mean anything. He's even detoxed twice on his own, found it wasn't even all that difficult for him and life was so much better, but he still started right up again. That's when I came here and started reading a lot about alcoholism and al-anon.
My A means it with all his heart when he says he's done and he's going to stop. He hates what his life has become, he hates what it means for us, but he just....can't.....stop. He even knows he could very well die in the not too distant future -- that's how far along he's come -- and he just....can't....stop.
Everyone's right that nothing you can do or say can do anything, so why waste your energy? If he's an alcoholic, it will progress. It doesn't stay at any one point. If he ever starts picking fights, remember that you're arguing with a bottle, which is useless, and you'll save your energy, sanity and maybe marriage, if that's what you want. Just ignore him, walk away, leave the house if you have to.
'Under the Influence' is an excellent book for understanding the physiology of alcohol and the alcoholic, how it affects a person, and the different stages of alcoholism. It helps you understand it as a disease.
My prayers and my tears are with you, Tammy. Please keep coming back. This is a wonderful place, and you'll learn so much.
One thing that made it easier for me was when I stopped being angry or hurt because of what he WASN'T and just was glad for what he was. I am sure your husband has many things about him that you love - you can still love those, while finding ways to protect yourself from the ones you don't, and getting those needs met that he just is not able (or willing) to meet.
We say here - "stop going to the hardware store for bread". Most alcoholics just are not able to give us the love and attention we want from them. It is not that they do not love us, just that their addiction consumes almost all of their energy and focus. One symptom of the disease is being very self centered. So, you can beat yourself up about this, wonder what is wrong with you that this man doesn't seem to love you the way you need, OR you can accept that this is how he is, enjoy the love he CAN give you, and find a way to get your need for affection met in other healthy ways. You can't make him better, but you can make better choices for yourself. Some of us have found that we can continue to be happy in the marriage, others have found that they need to leave in order to keep themselves safe and happy. You will find the choice that is right for you - we are not going to tell you to "leave the bum" - we know what it is to love someone who doesn't act the way he is 'supposed' to.
That is a GREAT way of changing the perspective on a situation - thank you very much for posting this! Had never quite seen it this way before.
My heart goes out to you Tammy - in a similar situation myself with a baby too. Except my A got physical the other night (the only time he's done this) and all hell has broken loose with police, courts and lawyers. Alcoholism is such a curse.
Thank you all for your advice. My husband is fine during the week, but he binge drinks on the weekend. He thinks it is okay since it is "only beer". It is really hard to convince him otherwise, and as you pointed out, I can't make him stop. The hardest thing for me is he is'nt mean, hjust annoying and stupid when he is drunk. When he is'nt drinking he is really pleasant to be around. I just get so mad at him wishing he'd realize the drinking is getting worse! Anyway, thank you all for the advice. It is nice to talk to someone who understands.
