The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hate my denial cloud. I really do. I had the second interview for the AmeriCorps position on Tuesday. And I don't think I got the position. I answered the questions the best I could, the best I knew how, the best I was able to, and the best way I could think of how to do it. I knew I was upset when it was all over. Even though I prayed before. Even though I did the best I could. I talked with my sponsor. Who reassured me that, no matter what, she was proud of me, as was my recovery family. And who reassured me that, no matter what it was going to be okay. And who reassured me, that, if this didn't work out, that God has better plans for me. I didn't realize how raw I was until I was in session with my councelor on Thursday. You name the institution, the person, the event, and they were responsible. Some how, in some way, they were right, I was wrong. And then, some how, in some way, I was right, they were wrong. And then, in some way, I was the victim, they were the bad guy, and... Wow, I was a mess. It didn't matter that I was/am an adult. Taking risks. Like an adult. Doing responsible things. Like an adult. Making responsible choices. Like an adult. Taking responsible behaviors. Like an adult. No it was/is/will always be everyone else's fault. How I'm not sure. But I know how I got here. And I'm angry at myself again. I try so damn hard not to have expectations. So damn hard. And it just didn't work! What was I thinking, I kick myself, expecting that the person on the telephone who was interviewing me over 1,000 miles away was going to see all the great things in me that I've come to see in myself? How was I convinced, I scream at myself, that I knew what was best for me, when so far I've only had this small faint idea? My nerves are raw. I'm having a hard time not kicking myself because, I've come to see, that I get some relief out of the familiarity--but it doesn't do any good. It doesn't help me grow. It doesn't help mature. And it only gets on my nerves. I want to lash out at someone, any one, because of how angry I am, specifically at me. Somehow, after all this work in recovery, I'm not supposed to have an expectation. An expectation that things will get better, because I've gotten tired of being down so long. An expectation that things will change, because I've gotten sick of having them be the same for so long. An expectation that I'm changing, because nothing else is around me. No, I'm not supposed to go there because this is the result. I'm so raw I want to scream at the people in the library to sit still! Don't move! Don't say a darn thing for godsake! And I'm usually the loudest person here! I wrote a long letter to god this morning absolutely chewing him/her out for taking this away. It should be noted, however, that I haven't gotten a definate yes or no from Americorps. I'm sitting here, waiting. I told god that I'm absolutely finished with this whole instability thing--either get it together or get out of my life. Kinda like how I told my mom to change or get out. Kinda like how I've felt about my parents for a while. And I know that's part of what's going on, here, too. I wouldn't be this upset if there wasn't a WHOLE lotta baggage attached to this. The baggage of I've finally given up on my parents. And I'm angry at myself about that. About how I've finally come to see that ultimately, they have to sink or swim on their own, and I can't save them. And I'm angry I'm not trying anymore. About how I'm finally taking a risk that my life is worth living as it is, not when it is directly connected to my parents. And I'm angry at myself that I'm doing this at all or haven't done this sooner. I'm not letting myself win at much, as you can see, and I'm afraid to cut myself some slack, and really embrace what you guys have told me. It's okay to let go. And sometimes, it's all out life saving.
Oh, Tiger, I have to tell you something. I was driving home from a family get-together last week, thinking about what wonderful parents and family I have and how fortunate I am to have them. How I'd hate to have gone through the things I have without that foundation. And I thought of you. The rough, rough start you've had -- I can't even imagine. I'm old enough to be your mother, and I just want to hug you like a mother when I read things like this. I bet you have a lot of mothers on this board. I wish we could make it better.
This may have been a silly thing to write, but it's what I was thinking the other day.
Just wanted you to know, too -- whenever I read you, I always think of you as a peer. You have wisdom beyond your years, and I learn a lot from you.
Wow, down on Tiger??? I do remember that feeling and it is awful. Been many years hon. Makes me sad to hear you feel so bad.
But hoping you feel better getting it out. Maybe in a bit of time you will realize ya don't feel like that anymore.
My experience was to take many personal growth classes that helped me to know me. After awhile, I started the work on not allowing negative things go on in my head.
I find it so strange how people can tell themselves all kinds of bad things inside: I am so stupid, I am too fat for sex, I cannot do it, no one will hire me, I probaby failed. whatever.
A simple word,"STOP!" then just say, I am ok just how I am. orI am as smart as I am, or I like me just like this, or if this does not come thru,or the next thing will be better.
We can stop ourselves from telling our self negative things. there is nothing wrong with saying I have a good heart, or I will be ok if I get the job or not, I did my best.
I had great parents, never said a mean thing to me. never. But I still was down on me. A lot of what we feel we put on ourselves. Look at magazines and tv, they are horrible at telling us what we should look like or be like.
Models who are anorexic and or bulimic, look like sick heroin users. It is awful.
i know you have it in you to build yourself up. The greatest gift you can give you is loving your self.
I invite you to look at yourself, pretend you are looking and listening to you. What would you do for that lady? what would you like her tosay to her self?
I agree with Jamekaticy, I also think I'm old enough to be your mother, and I also think of you as a peer when I read your posts. It goes to show that we all are "connected" in a special way.
I, too, have those expectations that you talk about. I am in the process of assisting a developer from out of state in a very big real estate transaction here in my state, which will net me a good commission, and possible future business. It's amazing to me how this just "fell" in my lap, because it's a deal of a lifetime, so to speak, especially since I just recently got my real estate license. But the truth of it is that it's all real and is about to get "realer". Deep down I am telling myself, that, if for some reason beyond my control (haha, there's that word...), this deal doesn't happen, I'll be ok with it. I'll chalk it up to experience. Yeah right, who am I fooling, I really will be devastated if it doesn't come to pass! But I guess I'm telling myself that so that I can fool myself into not being disappointed. What "reverse psychology", huh? LOL
Don't be too hard on yourself, you're a brilliant person and you will reap all of God's glory. Just may not be what you thought you should reap, or maybe it will be what you thought.
