The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OMG - I cannot STOP obsessing today over my AH. I haven't seen or heard from him since he left the house Tuesday morning for work. Not a word. Now, you'd think that I'd be used to this as it has been his behavior for the last few years. Going off on his crack binges. The difference this time is that I have no way of tracking him. Before, I used to be able to see his credit card activity to at least know he was alive. But now I can't do that. He maxed out all of his cards in the beginning of the year on his one month runner and hasn't made a single payment to a single one of them....so he has no access to credit.
The only thing I do know for sure is he withdrew $150 out of the joint checking - which was his money anyway. He had deposited his paycheck last Friday. I do not keep any money in there. After I saw the withdraw, I transferred $600 out into my acct and left him $47 in there. I figured he would have tried to get more money from it and at least withdrawn the last $47 but nope, he hasn't. So he has just completely disappeared.
It is just driving me crazy. The not knowing. I would rather him turn up and me be able to kick him out vs. sitting around wondering when he was going to eventually turn up.
Plus I would rather get some things straight with him before I leave for my vacation next weekend. I know the entire time I am gone, I am going to wonder where he is, if I haven't had the chance to talk to him before leaving. Arrrgg....this totally sucks.
Back in Jan, Feb and March, I was in so much better shape. I had moved into my own house, he was off and I didn't expect him to come back. But then eventually he did, managed to talk his way back in and that is where he has been ever since. Now I have to do it all over again.....and I just want to get on with it. Ya Know? I am the type of person who has to do whatever it is I've decided to do right then and there. Not a week later or a month later....right then. Like getting a hair cut....when I decide to get my hair cut, I don't want to wait a day or two until the hairstylist has an opening....I want to go do it NOW. Just the way I am.
Ugghh. Ok, I better get back to work. I think I let off enough steam to be able to concentrate. Thanks for letting me vent.
You probably already know this . . . but what would you do if you knew where he was? Or what he was doing?
I've gotta say getting something straight with someone status post crack binge probably won't get too far either.
It's like you hope knowing will satisfy you. Will it really? And then what?
It's strange, in my case when my A was out on a binge I wouldn't even answer the phone when he called. But now I get curious off and on. I wrote in a post yesterday the sheriff called me to ask where he was. Of course I don't know, shouldn't know. But I still find myself wondering. We were very, very close at one time, a real team. It's been YEARS since we were, but the bond is so strong.
In other words, of course we wonder. I'm sure I'll always wonder. I'm NOT sure I'll really and truly want to know. If seems like something I want, but if I knew I'm sure it would feel worse than not knowing. Just my experience!
Keep throwing this stuff off your chest, that's what we're here for.
Being in limbo can be frustrating - especially when you are a "doer" - But "It is what it is" -
My suggestion would be to vent away, process those different emotions, seek guidance from your HP and keep working on getting thru each day, One Day at a Time.
Next weekend is still several days away - hopefully you will be able to resolve some of this before you leave - that is still in the future - as much as you can - try to stay in today. (I know how difficult that can be - just try as much as you can, my friend)
Try to focus on what you can accomplish today.
Keeping you & your family in my thoughts & prayers.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
This too shall pass. It has before and it will again. If I look at things as part of a long journey called life, I can gain a different perspective. Having that outlook I can envision how I want to handle it. When I have the opportunity to look back after it passes I can be grateful for my vision. Do I want to be sucked back in to the chaos and be pissed off because I let it tear up my world? Do I want to do what I've always done with the same result? Do I want to feel that panic and fear again? OR Do I want to be able to look back and say "I handled that pretty darn well and carried on with my life". Don't forget you are in control of you and your reactions, and the outcome as it pertains to you. You can take the high road and be well no matter what he is up to. You can carry on in gratefulness with the tools you have and envision your wonderful beach vacation. You can have and be what you want. It's right there waiting for you. Or not. It's truly up to you.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thanks to all - what would I do without my MIP family? Honestly....I pretend to be strong and tough to my family and friends....but all inside I feel like a weak little girl. If I didn't have y'all to open up to, I might explode. Y'all offer me such wonderful support, give me an excellent outlet to bounce my feelings and ideas off of and for that I am truly grateful.
Can I ask you something and answer honestly and do not use the words "because I love him"...why do you stay with him? Why do you continue to let him make you wonder where he was at? Do you know you can put a stop to all of this? What stops you from doing it? This is not love, it's not a normal relationship. Is there a reason you think you can not find someone better? Answer to yourself, you do not have to answer to me at all. But think why you do the things your doing. It just has me wondering why you think you not deserve better.
Maybe it's just me but I can not put one day of my time into this sickness. I'm done. I've had it. I won't worry about him not one more day. If he dies, I'll attend his funeral, if he lives...he lives...I'll just know he will be right back there in a month or so. It's a cycle, a merry go round, one of those fair rides that spin you round and round that make you totally sick and you get off the exact same entrance that you got on. Do you get back on to make yourself sick again? Or do you learn and move on to something more comfortable?
This post made me really reflect on my life, Thanks for this post. I'm stopping this madness personally.
