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level.
I am seeing little miracles going on around me and not quite sure how to process them other than thank God daily.
Last night my AH (sober 5 mos) took our 14 yr old son to a youth group. When our son came home, the first thing he said to me was, "I am so proud of dad. We went to KFC after and I accidentally knocked my soda over while driving, all over dad's lap. He didn't even get mad. Just took a big breath and said "let's clean it up" and we pulled over and did it." Then my dear boy gave me a big smile, we high-5ed, and off he went to bed, a very happy kid.
This came on the heels of my AH inviting us all to go the fair. Big deal since a) we are separated and b) he was always resistant (hates crowds) and the beer booth was his favorite attraction. We ran into a lot of people we know and truly had a nice family night with an icee being the beverage of choice.
Then, here's the big one.... 4th of July. Small neighborhood party with good friends, he chose to go. Not counting the fair, this was his first social outing with friends since coming home from rehab mid-Feb. Beforehand he did ask me who knew what (in terms of our separation and convertly his Aism) and I informed him that of the one couple who I told. We have really tried to keep our struggles private. Anyhow, we enjoyed dinner and when offered wine he politely declined stating he hadn't slept much so it wouldn't be wise, and had water. He did loiter a bit in the kitchen where the wine was (I watched through the window - I couldn't help it!) but never touched it. We then went out to watch fireworks and sat a bit away from the others who had brought the wine to pass around. After the show he said he needed to go check on our dogs (true) and left in a hurry.
And, one more.... he is requesting family movie night tonight and said if it is okay with me he would like to spend the night - on the couch with the kids.
I just am not sure how to respond to all this. I'm thinking his "hatred" toward me is waining. I want to think the "family time" has to do with him wanting to be with me as well as the kids, but am afraid to hope. I am so proud of him, but he does not want to discuss his Aism at all (he is in denial), so I don't think kudos from me would go over well. I am nervous too in that he is not working with a sponsor and does not regularly go to AA, if at all. Can he really do this on his own? I am cautiously optimistic. I would like to build him up and encourage him for the wonderful man I am seeing emerge, but am not sure how to go about it. Any suggestions?
Thanks,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Recovery is possible on their own but it is rare. I happen to have a sober (19 mo.) husband that did not attend AA or any other program. He seems to be the exception to the rule of "there is no recovery w/o a program". I see this statement all the time but stay quiet because I know he is unique in his journey. The good news is, he simply can't be the only one :)
Expect miracles, acknowledge them and thank the provider. I find when I am open to accepting miracles, they are everywhere.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can't really say one way or another if recovery is possible without a program because it hasn't worked in our home, but like Christy mention I have heard of people gaining sobriety and some recovery without the help of AA. I'm not sure how they did it and do believe they are a rare exception.
I can relate to those emerging behavior changes that are really miracles. Everyday is not the greatest day but things are getting better and better for my AH and our family. I think when we find gratitude in those we love we should share it with them. If your AH is touchy on the subject of his disease and you giving him kudos on staying sober, maybe try complimenting him on the changes the kids are saying they see and how much you enjoy seeing that in him and with the family. Like everything else take one day at a time and see what blessings unfold. Thanks for sharing today.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'm happy for you, AH, and especially the kids who are benefitting from these little miracles. But I'd be careful, I'd try to explain to the kids (and remind myself) that although it's okay to be proud of dad, that it is possible he may relapse - and also possible that he may not - but to be prepared either way. I dunno...just my opinion after being let down so many times...
On the movie night...I can understand you being wary of him staying overnight. I would be too. Go with your gut on this, if you don't feel comfortable with it, speak up - maybe let him stay till 12am or so?
Your post IS full of little miracles and positives, and that's very cool in and of itself.... As to the question of "can he do this on his own", it is pretty much unanswerable, in my opinion... I see some 'red flags' about the denial and secrecy, but also see some effort and awareness in his actions.... he may be ready to get better, or he may not be.... who knows?
This is where ODAT (one day at a time) really comes into play.... try not to get too far ahead of yourself, projecting into the future, etc... enjoy the good moments as they come, and embrace each of the good times as you can.... work on yourself, and your recovery, regardless of whether he is being good, bad, or indifferent...
One of my favourite sayings: "he will either drink or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
