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We were invited to a party last night and he we were both wanting to go, but then the anxiety set in when I though abt alcohol maybe being there - so I said "can you not drink?" "I'll just have a couple" YEAH RIGHT LOL!!!!! I'm not abt to put myself in a situation where I will look like the fool for bringing him or even being with him (I love him but that is what ppl will think if he gets drunk and makes an a__ out of himself. I said "nevermind I said wouldn't take u anywhere where there's alcohol - we're not going" (we have one car - it's mine - and the ppl that invited us are more my friends than his). So I called the girl who invited us just to make sure abt alcohol being there - sure enough it was - and I bowed us out. I can't keep my mouth shut - he said he was going to the movies and didn't invite me - obviously just to get back at me - even though logically I'm sure he knows I decided not to go to the party for damn good reasons!! I'd normally be like no big deal - but the fact that we havn't spent any real time together - unless u count playin with the baby together once in awhile or sittin beside him while he's zoned into the soccer game! He ended up not going but didn't really talk to or spend time with me at all the rest of the night. It was too late for me to go out on my own by that time - unless I wanted to go to the party - and then I feel like I would become another reason for him to drink - if he knew I was somewhere where I had the option. I miss him - I miss him SO much - I long for the friendship we used to have. The Aism has torn me into something new - someone so sensitive and breakable - no matter how hard I try I can't seem to get over all the crap he's put me through bc of his alcoholism - the thoughts of going through it again are plagueing me constantly - the anxiety comes over me everytime he sais he's goin somewhere with a friend. He's been to 2 meetings, but I feel he's only doing it to keep me - to keep us - whatever the heck is left of me & him - the sex? Then we went to my mom's (his idea) but I warned him that my step-dad knew abt his last incident (he hit me when I was yelling at him like a crazy woman - bc he doesn't spend much time with me - accused me, ME of cheating on him - so that made me think he might have a guilty conscience) I thought I was doing better abt getting sucked into this crap - but here we go again. ANYWAY he decided not to go to my Moms so I dropped him back home n he was acting like he was mad at me - I said why are you MAD at ME and just left slamming the door really hard - then he came after my car like a psycho...but I drove away. I'm at my mom's right now, n kinda afraid to go back home....I guess he's more frustrated than normal bc of the A - that he's (according to him) trying to change so he's lashing out then I'm lashing right back...and he's also distancing himself from me it seems...maybe it's bc I'm so on edge....ARGHHH anyway today I told him 3 months of actually trying to change - going to meetings - and if I don't see an effort - I'm done - I won't make any more threats in the meantime. Why can't I stop being so sensitive and letting the anxiety take over and get me all freaked out at him? I hate being accused of things I am not doing - I hate that he's treating me like I'M the one with the huge problem - like I'm stupid for being scared he's gonna do the same crap again! I'm sorry this is so long....I'm just venting...trying to calm down....Thanks for listening.
He's still drinking which means he's still an alcoholic, "I'll only have a few drink"??? What was that? He's mad because your getting in his way of drinking that's why. An alcoholic can NOT have a drink, not a few drinks. He can not have any. There should be no bardering. Your bf is not ready and I can tell by his post. He's blaming you. The way he is acting he WILL drink again and he probably is when he goes to "his friends house". That's an old excuse. I'm sorry hunny but he needs help. Lots. It only gets worse. If I could give you a timeline just from where your at in the disease I can tell you that your at the beginning and you have a good two or more years. Your man hasn't even come close to rock bottom. He's being enabled by you and his buddies. Your in my prayers. ^i^
Of course he's angry with you, you aren't buying into the disease like you used to do. Or, like he wants you to. They spend tons of effort defending the fortress of their disease, so the time usually spent of family and intimacy is not there. My A could not have a serious conversation, he had to "have the floor" where I sat and nodded and admired him or agreed. The moment I opened my mouth he would start watching TV, stop responding, or leave the room.
He did it without even thinking, it was not a "slam" on me, tho I used to think it was. He was just BORED STIFF whenever something distracted him from his preoccupations. If it wasn't about him, it didn't really exist. He professed love for me frequently, even at the end. He would practically beg me to reciprocate. But by then all I could see was the disease. In five minutes he'd threaten to shoot a goose for honking, so I stopped letting any defenses down. I even explained why, I told him I was so afraid of being vulnerable around him, I never knew what he'd do or say next.
It bounced off his head, the disease had no mode to compute "someone else's experience".
Taking on the disease head on will guarantee that you will lose. Lose your peace of mind, first of all. It does not play fair, it changes it's storyline to match it's needs, and doesn't care if it leaves the loved ones feeling crazy.
I see you engaged in battle with his disease. Frankly, 100% of us in Alanon have done or continue to do this or else we wouldn't even be here. It's understandable, but it's futile. Serious consequences like divorce and jail don't stop many of them, so no wonder our efforts are futile.
Being super sensitive and fragile is IMO a symptom of emotional exhaustion, that's how I get anyway. Just so tired of the same old same old. And here it is again, and again.
Since we can do nothing else but to do something about OURSELVES, we do that here :D . Nothing changes until something changes.
This is what alcoholism does to relationships. It makes you sick too. It will only get worse, so save yourself. Whatever this means for you is A-OK. It's progress not perfection. It's also taking a hard look at yourself and deciding what you want. Not as easy as it sounds, believe me.
Sounds like that is crazy making....I am sure that is not the way you want to live, can you imagine having somebody that is really there for you. As long as somebody is not activly seeking recovery they will not grow. They will conitunue to be the same. The only thing that gets a Alcoholic to stop drinking is drinking! I guess this helps me writting this, because I also need to learn acceptance. acceptance that I can not change people, and the only thing I can change is Me. And the way I live, which is what I am stiving for. I feel growth is changing how I react to situations, doing it in a more healthy way, problem is I have no idea what healthy is, and need other people to help me learn, they can see through the bull.
I beleive that god loves you and your husband, and god does not want you to live this way. So I hope you keep working the program, and keep growing. I believe that if you do, your life will get better.
Even though I have never met you...We love you, and will be there for you, as you grow in this program
Thanks everyone. Things were "good" last night - I say it that way bc all the good moments - for me, are tainted by the past - the anxiousness, being afraid that he will all of a sudden decide to "go get a burger" at 10pm. We watched a movie together - which we havn't done in a long time. I should mention he hasn't drank anything in a couple of weeks (although I'm not counting this as a major sign mind you!) - the only reason I know for sure is bc anytime he drinks he binges - so there would be no way to hide it from me - cause even if he didn't come home drunk (which I don't allow anymore - and have an effective way of enforcing) he'd stay gone for a whole day or more. For him, time off and weekends are when he usually gets drunk or is tempted to get drunk. Last night I read him a verse I had told him abt - Phil 3:14 ("I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.")- he listened as I read & explained it. Anyway I am going to make a better effort not to get sucked into his guilt trips. I honestly believe he wants to get better, but I can't expect it to happen overnight. Logically I don't think it'll happen overnight, but bc of what we've been through - I've been very impatient with him in that regard lately. It really seems like he wants to get better - but he's getting frustrated trying to do it. He hasn't given in to the whole HP thing completely. All of this said, I am still keeping my eyes open - and there is no way in heck I'm going to wait a yr or more for him to start getting better. Like I said he's got three months and if he doesn't go to the meetings & actually make some true progress during that time - I'm done. Granted I can be happy either way - but the sadness of him and what the disease has done to him & to us these past few years will always be there with me. I know that I'd rather be sad without him then sad with him. Thank you everyone for your comments and encouragement.
One thing you mentioned in your post that is concerning is the anger and violence is he projecting out on you. If he is not drinking that's awesome, but unless he's willing to work a program of recovery and sprituality he's really just drying out. The behaviors are still there. My AH can get into this "stinking thinking" mode and it feels like he's trying to pick a fight so that I can assuage his guilt. The anxiety is all to familiar to me and it was very paralyzing in my life. I reacted to every little twinge of fear that popped up, drove my AH nuts and myself nuts. When I began working the steps and focusing on myself and my serenity the anxiety disappeared. I still get twinges of old fears and anxiety but now I can usually tell myself its o.k. those things have not happened, they may not happen, and if it does happen, I'll be o.k. If there is domestic violence in the home, which does not always involve physical abuse but verbal and emotional abuse, seek out some help for you. Your AH will make a choice, to either get help and learn to be happy or he'll stay miserable. It is ultimately his choice to be happy and sober or miserable and sober, but you do not deserve to be abused over it. Your anxiety might cause unrealistic reactions, but his abusive reactions are not acceptable either. Be good to you as much as you can. We are here for you.
Peace and Serenity, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
There's a well-known saying in AA where "1 (drink) is tooooooo many and 100 is not enough." That's why people in recovery almost often when they awaken get down on their knees, and throughout the day too, and say "please God don't let me drink just for this day, just for this hour, just for this minute."
It's a cunning and baffling disease.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
and then I feel like I would become another reason for him to drink - if he knew I was somewhere where I had the option.
You cannot make him drink and you cannot get him sober. He has to work the program for himself or he will just let both of you down. Perhaps a better course of action would be to tell him to go and drink as much as he can - and don't come back until he is done. It might speed up the process.
and then I feel like I would become another reason for him to drink - if he knew I was somewhere where I had the option.
You cannot make him drink and you cannot get him sober. He has to work the program for himself or he will just let both of you down. Perhaps a better course of action would be to tell him to go and drink as much as he can - and don't come back until he is done. It might speed up the process.
Love and Peace.
LOL, can't say I havn't thought abt it. But that could be the makings of another fight between us - so I'll just keep my big mouth shut! Not to mention, that's what he does when he drinks anyway - he binges.
