The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this board but not to Al-Anon although it's been a couple of years since I went to a face-to-face meeting. I am really needing to start back with meetings and this will help in between. My AH is really sinking to the bottom but it's bringing me down. I can't let it but I am so depressed. We are having some financial struggles. I got a part-time job thinking it would help and it does some but it seems like the more "extra" I bring in, the more he spends. I'm not sure if he doesn't care or if he's so out of it that he truly doesn't remember what he's spent. I feel like a witch when I confront him with it, but nothing is changing. I am going to have to make some drastic changes here. I've talked to him about separate accounts but he won't hear it. I'll probably have to do it anyway. I am just really needing some experience, strength and hope just now. I have such depair sometimes that I want to give up or go far away.
Do what you think will work for you. There are some spending/financial difficulties in my household also and I take a more active part now rather than just bringing in the paycheck. My spouse doesn't like me asking questions about her spending habits and I do anyway. I also pay the bills more often than I use to and I also make her aware that I am not asleep when it comes to our situation. What that means is I have experience in the situation and the courage to request change and to make changes myself. Some of our most "reactive" events have been over the subject of finances. I don't do things that suggest we start separating thing and break things down into littler pieces such as her account and my account. The bills are our bills and our efforts go to living and paying for it. I don't like the secrecy in spending so I ask for the picture up front regardless of the emotions that follow. Experience wise I have more of it in keeping accounts paid off and or paid on time with "prudent reserves". Everyone envolved like it this way. Progress not perfection so we go onward.
Your situation has some differences so stick around and read the ESH that is coming.
I am sorry you are feeling hopeless. I found that when I "felt" stuck with some decision or another, I too felt the despair. It feels like I don't have any choices. But in reality we all do. As you know from the past, it takes a lot of courage to change, but if we keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, we become insane.
In my situation, I did get separate accounts. I also was responsible for separate expenses as well. But as a result, I was able to become more independent and not feel resentful about my own credit. I will add that I am now separated physically from that situation but it feels so good to me to be able to take care of myself financially and not suffer all of the consequences of being dependent on an A or alanoner for money.
As we say in Alanon, take what you liked and leave the rest.
Welcome back though and please keep coming and posting, Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Welcome to the board and to MIP! You will find comfort and healing here...everyone can relate in one way or another. I've been in your shoes, and everyone told me that I needed to take care of MYSELF, to make sure I could be ok financially. I'm finally able to see that they were right! I've changed my career path and will hopefully be to the point that I can make it on my own if I ever needed to.
When my ah started doing that exact thing I did get another account and it has worked ever since. He actually brought that up the other day and I told him, go ahead and get your own. I also work part time and I work hard for it, I'll be darned if I am going to have someone else spend it like that. I agree with Jerry, You do what you have to do. I also only had this site. I've never been to a f2f meeting. I have three children so this is all I had and there is alot of strength here to get your through, trust me. Good luck sweetheart. You fight for what's right.
What is it, money and sex are the two most volatile issues in most relationships, even ones (or especially ones) where alcoholism is involved.
I sat passively, fearfully and despairingly as my A spent our account down to almost nothing on drugs and entertaining his entourage of moocher/admirers. All I had to do was get an account in my name and bleed over the funds into it. But I didn't do it until it was almost too late. I really didn't think he would financially destroy us. When he was sober he was very concerned about it, said mostly the right things. The siren call of drugs and admiration that he "needs" won out, and I barely salvaged enough to keep me going until I could get a job. Me working outside the home was NOT in the plans.
I can see so clearly now what I SHOULD have done. I try not to beat myself up, and just learn from this. I did have choices, many many choices. I wish now I had made them, instead of choosing passivity and despair.
NOTHING but nothing gets in the way of their drinking and/or using. Not love, not family survival. We're confronted with very tough things here. Someone has to rise to the occaision, and when our A is actively drinking that 'someone' is us.
Surviving yourself is worth all the anger and pouting that might happen when we set limits.
I know that feeling - the more you do, the less he does....
You need to take care of yourself - that is not disloyal or selfish, merely realistic. An account of your own sounds like a good idea. Maybe don't even let him know anything about it.
Hello Mama , I am a true believer in accounts for a rainy day . Yu are earning some extra income by all mean share it with him but keep alittle aside for yourself . Irresponsibility is normal with our drinkers and the more money there is the more they will spend . If and when he sobers up u will have a nice little pile to suprise him with a holiday for the two of you . If he dosent take a holiday any way . and please get back to meetings do it for yourself . Louise
After I found out my AH was using crack, I immediately took over the bills and was SHOCKED and MORTIFIED to see what he had done to our finances. I work full time and always have. I always just deposited my check into the joint acct for him to write out the bills with. I have ALWAYS kept a little aside for emergencies/vacations/my own wants. I learned that early on in our marriage.
Let's just say I immediately opened up a checking account in my name only, transferred money out of the joint and worked very hard to keep things together until we sold our house. After the sale and paying back the 1st & 2nd mortgage, I barely had enough to put 10% down on my new house for me and the kids. And I don't have a big house now either.
I wish I had been more involved in our finances early on and for the entire duration of our marriage. Instead, I simply gave my AH my money and put all my trust in him to take care of everything. You have got to look out for yourself. Even if your AH doesn't know you opened the acct. You can set it up for email statements so one never arrives in the mail and slowly put money in there so you can have a fall back amount of money or nest egg.
