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Boundaries are a great thing, but what if they are not respected. So what happens when they are not respected. Wouldn't it be great if we set a boundary and the A actually agreed to it. I have been on a long road with my AH and feel as though I am nearing an end, at least to the road I have been on. I spoke to an attorney in Jan. regarding having the house put into my name to protect the asset. My A has not been making sane choices financially, medically or with his addiction. It took me 6 months to call back and have the papers drawn up. So I presented them to him about 10 days ago. He agreed to sign them until he realized that they already existed. I guess he thought I was bluffing. He played along as though he would sign them, all the while I was getting more and more signs that this was not going to happen and began to process my plan B, a legal separation. Anyway, he abruptly signed himself into a psych unit last Tuesday. No conversation etc, just up and went after being out all night on Monday. No calls except one to ask me to do something for him, which I said I was not sure I could. I called there on Saturday, half expecting them to tell me he was not there. How about that, cannot even trust that he is in a hospital when he says he is. The social worker spoke with me a bit and said that he has no intention of entering treatment...blah blah blah. Was he welcome home, did I want him into treatment ...blah blah blah. I don't think she like my response, which was that I would not answer those questions and that my answers should have no bearing on his decision anyway... he needs to do what he needs to do. I did ask to be informed of his discharge so that I could work on my own decsions. So....I get a call today from him that he is on his way home and will see me later. NO treatment apparently/my gut tells me he just wanted to get the heat off anyway. On to plan B I guess. Hung up the phone from him and called the attorney. Ask a lot of questions about what a legal separation would mean etc. I have set boundaries only to have them broken. I think I need the legal back up. I am not ready to completely throw in the towel and file for divorce. It may only be semantics but it makes me more comfortable. So that is where I am today, it may change tomorrow but I will be ok.
I say it like this, I won't have anyone in my life who emotionally or physically abuses me.
Better, I will have people in my life who treat me with respect. (even said this to my growing up son) WE did not speak for a month or so. Now we are better than ever.
um I will not allow any alcohol in my home. Its everyones choice to use or not, but not in my home.
You have to decide the consequences. Does this mean you are moving out, he is she is?
I won't be in the same room with someone cussing. so I get up and leave the room, go into my own private room. Where i had tv, a door out...
NO ONE is in my home that ever abuses my animals and or breaks my things.
consequences for behavior. And that is when we say, make sure you can stick to the consequense.
I think you did remarkably. The A I am involved with is so so apt at getting other people to do for him.
Today he missed a doctors appointment. Admittedly he is exhausted from being homeless for a while. At the same time I don't even get to go to a doctor. I have had a blood test I was supposed to get done months ago. I missed appointments set up for me because guess what I didn't get to be homeless. I had to go to work for myself because there is no one to pick me up!!!!
I do so so much understand the step by step process you are on. I am not there yet to being done with the A. At the same time I see red flags in certain places. One of them being he is not taking care of his speeding tickets.
I am glad you are prepared to go the legal route. I tried that in separating some assets but I didn't get far. I went on a merrygoround with it in fact. Someday I may be willing to go it agian but not right now.
Hi confused , boundaries are not for him they are for you . U set the boundary and when it's crossed it's' up to you to act on it . No point in telling anyone your boundary it's like waving a flag in front of a bull , there gonna go for it . Boundaries are an action , Yours . keep trying u will get there.
For me I had to learn to set boundaries I could enforce. Short of duct taping my A's entire body while he was passed out, I found there were relatively FEW boundaries I could draw. But they were powerful boundaries.
My A like most others is an expert at tearing down a persons resolve. Like Debilyn says, she has certain things that just aren't tolerated no matter what. Everyone has their limits. What are yours? There's a lot of clarity and strength in an honest assessment of what is intolerable to you. This work is all for you, it has nothing to do with what the alcoholic wants or what the disease seems to demand.
Also, setting boundaries you can actually enforce is important. I asked my A to not threaten me, not spend the farm money on his drugs and drug friends. Reasonable. But he continued. I can't stop a persons words, or their actions, but I can get sick enough of them to take myself out of the picture.
Finally I needed legal help to set boundaries with my A. This guy is really crazy and sick, though, many A's don't go that far. But when they do, one still has to set boundaries that can be enforced. So knowing WHAT to do to enforce the boundary is key. I had to get a lot of feedback from others in the program and the sheriff's department and law advice to figure this out for my situation. It takes whatever it takes.
Sound like you are using boundaries, and they are working just fine. They are not there to make him change his actions, but for you to take care of yourself - and that is what you are doing.
Yes, of course it would be preferable (on the surface anyway) if he would just do as you want him to - stop drinking, be responsible, get healthy... However, no matter what actions you take *You Do Not Have That Power*. This has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn, and I have to keep re learning it, too.
