The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've taken 15 steps backward I believe. My husband got out of rehab last Monday and stayed at my house ( we've been separated since April) for the week until he could move into the halfway house on Saturday. Everything was great. He was going to his meetings, we were getting along. We even went to the park as a family on Saturday. He went to the halfway house Saturday evening and showed up at my house at 7:30 Sunday morning and crawled in bed. He says he doesnt want to spend any more time at that house than he has to. He left around 11:30 to go to a meeting. When he wasnt back by 1:00 I called him and he told me he had gone to his apt to get some things and he wasnt sure waht he was doing after that. That he has no purpose, he doesnt know what to do or where to go, he's in between 3 houses and has no friends. I told him to call his sponsor. A little while later, ( and this is where the slip starts) I drove by his favorite bar and saw his truck in the parking lot. HE"S ONLY BEEN OUT OF REHAB A WEEK! I called him and ( more slipping) started yelling and ridiculing him. I was so mad and hurt. Well that didnt end well. He got mad at me for checking up on him when he asked me not to do that. He told me that when he was in treatment, he may slip and if he does he needs me to be supportive and tell him to call his sponsor. Well I didnt. I just kept getting mad. I told him I dont want to be sucked back into this. He says he knows he made a mistake and I dont have to keep trying to beat it into his head. Then he shows up at my house and crawls in bed last night. He didnt get up this morning to go to his morning meetings at the treatment center, he told me it wasnt until 10:00. At 10:30 I had to go home to pick something up for work and he was STILL ASLEEP!. When I woke him up he said he just overslept. I told him that he was welcome at my house as long as he was in treatment, he's no longer in treatment so he needed to leave. He got up and left. We argued more over the phone with him telling me that my "hard ass" approach wasnt helping. I'm just confused. It's such a blurry line between protecting myself and supporting him. I dont know what to do........
I've had my own arguments with the A since I helped him out when he was homeless. I can certaily empathise with the yelling. I have done my share of it. I've also done my share of setting limits recenlty which helps. I've said "no" more.
I'm so very sorry your husband relapsed. I can imagine the heart ache of that. I can also understand the sixth sense that told you to look in the bar. When the A I've been involved with was homeless I knew he was in deep trouble and I felt totally consumed with it. I could barely rest for weeks. He just got by that and now I am in the hurry up and recover mode.
I know being the A's policeman doesn't work for me. I try to back off as much as I can. I've set a lot of limits finance wise.
I've also set a lot of limits on my time. I am no longer available 24/7. I find it pretty hard going personally to set limits because I miss being around the A at times.
I also really miss my dogs who are with him at present.
I am glad that you can set limits. I think that is so so so key.
I know I didn't do that for years. I didnt' know how to. I had to have a lot of support to be able to say no and mean no.
I set the limits but I can rarely enforce them for the same reasons you said, I miss him. I want to be with him. It is truly a form of insanity. Why do I insist I want to be with him if he makes me miserable? I set boundaries with an enabling chaser. Make sense? Of course not. That's why it's insanity!
Well one thing I don't do anymore is to beat myself up. Right now the A I have been involved with wants me to be with him. I'm not. I am waiting things out to see if he (a) manages to have an income (b) manages to get his life together and (c) waiting to see if he will mess up again.
Sot things do change. Nothing changed for me while I was pulversiing myself for loving him. I can love him from afar. i do help him. I have helped him far far more than he ever would for me At the same time I no longer give him every penny I've had.
I try to keep busy on my own goals. I know that is difficult and not always possible but I try to do it.
I know this situation all to well. Your ah is full of excuses and he is finding ways to play you. By him saying "call his sponsor" and "don't check in on him" he is definitly showing signs of not wanting help. As long as he can get away with it, he will do it. My suggestion, that worked for me is really STOP having him come over. You'll realize that he will take full advantage and your only prolonging his recovery. I learned to let him go no matter what. I learned to NOT help at all. I learned to not give in at all. He will get very angry once he realizes he can not play on you. Good luck, be strong.
