The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm feeling a bit uneasy - after the past 4 weeks of binging my A finally made it to a rehab center last Friday. He is in a safe place and I feel a sense of relief now. But now the hard part, I finally spoke to him today by phone and once again reiterated the message I've been saying all along...."I love you - call me after you have 30 days of sobriety - you need to place you energy into your recovery not our relationship at the moment. Our relationship was unhealthy and it needs to change."
I know that if he does not embrace recovery for himself and a sincere desire to stay sober via AA and other programs, that there is no way I can continue in a relationship with him. I've entered my recovery and that is where I intend to stay with or without him. I also know that moving forward will be difficult and an entirely new relationship. Am I ready and willing? Time will tell, Iknow that.
I know I did the right thing but since this is so new to me there are moments I second guess myself and moments I just want to run over and hug him as I know he doesn't mean to do it....but then I keep the unhealthy cycle going and that's not fair to me or him.
Thank you to everyone on this board who helped keep me sane over the past few weeks. I couldn't have done this alone and appreciate the support. I'm here if you need me too.... Your sister in recovery...
It's so hard NOT to second guess isn't it? You sound strong and yep,you know you are doing the right thing.
It wasn't until I got strong and stopped responding to his sorry apologies and promises to change that things got better. My A and I split up and he bounced around drunk for another year before the truth dawned on him- he really WAS an alcoholic,and he'd lost everything dear to him. He's been sober 122 days now. A short while ago he sent me a beautiful solitaire ring,with a message he would always love me. I believe him. He knows I love him too............now here's the rub. Without a programme AND continued sobriety,our relationship doesn't stand a chance. Many is the time I have wanted to drop everything and rush to be with him. I won't!! He isn't in a programme(various reasons,not least that the nearest is almost 3 hours travelling away for him) and I know that nothing can change until he does work at it. I'm so grateful he is sober,but until his thinking changes and the way he deals with life on life's terms changes,then nothing will change.
He wanted me to travel up and be with him for a family wedding this last weekend. The temptation to go and be by his side was overwhelming,and he pleaded with me to attend. I didn't go.For MY sanity,I didn't go. He was upset,but he knows why.I was upset,and I know why. I can't keep the cycle going and be fair to him or myself.I know at any time in the last 16 months I could have run to him a zillion times and hugged him. It wouldn't help him OR me.
It takes a lot of strength to resist when we love them as we do. It's times like this that I really have to work hard at "doing the right thing" for both of us. Alanon tools have been a Godsend for me,and the love and encouragement of the wonderful family here have been a lifeline.
I've said before this programme is a simple one.......but it sure isn't easy!!!
