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I am really mad at AA. I have been mad at "them" before but I haven't let go of the resentments yet. I am wondering why. Why do I always have to be mad at someone? My mother, my ex, AA. Today it is AA. I used to go to open AA speaker meetings and it would about kill me to have to clap for the chip handouts. I mean I really wanted to go up there and say "whooptie do for you, a whole 30 days? How's your wife? Where's her chip for dealing with your crap for the past however many years? And how about your kids? Where are their chips for every game,play,and birthday you missed? Sit down, shut up and stay sober and make amends for all the pain and suffering you caused because you didn't feel like putting forth the effort to get and stay well." See, major anger! And I am still looking for amends to be made to me from the AA's who "helped" my A into relationships with other women, who told him it was fine to dump the kids for the sake of his own recovery, and all the other screwed up things they supported him in thinking and doing. Those AA's are still around. I see them at meetings every week. They are still sober and still looking like they have it all right and have done nothing wrong. My A only had one sponser who was really good. And not in that he had anything to do with me at all, he didn't. He was my A's sponser. But he didn't let my A lie. He called him out on his crap. He supported my A in what was right, what was real. I don't think it was a coincidence that he was the only sponser my A ever picked that was also in Alanon. He came to our family picnics, he was kind and loving toward our kids. He was just an over all healthy, good person trying sincerly to work the program and pass it along. That was the longest my A had sober too. I don't know y'all. My question is how do I let go of this silly anger? I know they are sick people, I know that what has happened to me and my A and our kids is really not their fault. It's just that my A warps into whoever he surrounds himself with. He has no idea of who he is so whoever he is around he becomes. Literally. He worked in a farm store with a bunch of very family oriented guys and he was all about the family. He worked with a very unethical couple and all of the sudden was acting like he had no morals. Actually lost his morals and did whatever they said. I don't know if it's the disease or his mental illness that makes him that way. It just is the way he is. I know this. Am I mad at myself and just putting it off onto others? I know better than to expect amends. I know I make mistakes everyday and hurt people unintentionally. It just seems so diliberate and so against the program for these AA's not to even attempt to make some sort of apology or something. They didn't just hurt me they hurt my kids with their actions and influence over my A. Maybe they thought he was just a regular A and so could be told things and they didn't realize the influence they were really having over him. WOW I sound like a nutjob! LOL! Ok, back to me. Any suggestions on what to do with this anger? I am no longer going to the open AA speakers meeting as I think my ex and his gf might be there. But I see these other AA's at my meetings all the time. And it is all I can do NOT to spit in their eye or let them know what they have done. It is specific to certain AA's and it is a general feeling that AA doesn't get it. They don't get that this is a FAMILY disease. They don't understand how it affects the ENTIRE family. They just focus on getting sober and trying to make their amends when THEY are ready to and in the meantime screw us, they have to concentrate! They have a life or death disease! Yeah well, they're not dead if they're in the program.....And I am pissed off every time I read or listen to our opening and traditions and it says we must guard with special care the anonimity of ALL AA MEMBERS. Screw them, this is about us. Or "encourage and understand our alcoholic relatives" NO! I will not! How about if in AA it said something about UNDERSTANDING US! Their family. Man, is this anger real? Or is it just another way for me to not look at myself and my character defects? Am I now taking inventory for ALL of AA? How do I turn this around or let it go? I have had this resentment for years now....What do I do with this?
Do not be hard on yourself serendipity. You have every right to your indignation. I so very much understand where you are coming from, and it is nothing to do with any character flaws you may imagine you have. All of this can make you downright, by God mad; anyone understands that. To work through it is the key so that it doesn't eat away at your soul.
You sound a little bit like Diva.
What to do with your anger? You made a good start by giving voice to it.
All best wishes,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 10:41, 2007-07-01
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Whereas resentment is often the emotion that goes with complaining, it may also be accompanied by a stronger emotion such as anger or some other form of upset. In this way, it becomes more highly charged energetically. Complaining then turns into reactivity, another of egos ways of strengthening itself.
There are many people who are always waiting for the next thing to react against, to feel annoyed or disturbed about and it never takes long before they find it. This is an outrage, they say. How dare you "I resent this. They are as addicted to upset and anger as others are to a drug. Through reacting against this or that they assert and strengthen their feeling of self.
A long-standing resentment is called a grievance. To carry a grievance is to be in a permanent state of against, and that is why grievances constitute a significant part of many peoples egos. Collective grievances can survive for centuries in the psyche of a nation or tribe and fuel a never-ending cycle of violence.
A grievance is a strong negative emotion connected to an event in the sometimes distant past that is being kept alive by compulsive thinking, by retelling the story in the head or out loud of what someone did to me or what someone did to us.
A grievance will also contaminate other areas of your life. For example, while you think about and feel your grievance, its negative emotional energy can distort your perception of an event that is happening in the present or influence the way in which you speak or behave toward someone in the present. One strong grievance is enough to contaminate large areas of your life and keep you in the grip of the ego.
It requires honesty to see whether you still harbor grievances, whether there is someone in your life you have not completely forgiven, an enemy. If you do, become aware of the grievance both on the level of thought as well as emotion, be aware of the thoughts that keep it alive, and feel the emotion that is the bodys response to those thoughts.
Dont try to let go of the grievance. Trying to let go, to forgive, does not work. Forgiveness happens naturally when you see that it has no purpose other than to strengthen a false sense of self, to keep the ego in place. The seeing is freeing. Jesus teaching to Forgive your enemies is essentially about the undoing of one of the main egoic structures in the human mind.
The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
The real question is how long do you want to let this emotion rule over you. You get to decide how long you want to stay in the anger. Who is it hurting? Will you get what you want from them? If you could get an amend would it take away your pain? Would it be good enough.
For me the answer was no. I had to deal with my own anger, my pain -- I couldn't look to someone or something and say "if they'd" then I'd be better. I just got tired of the all consuming anger. It was self defeating.
Please understand, we can get pissed off, things can irk us and that is OK. But when it begins to interfer with our lives/living then we've allowed it to control us. Never forget that you have power over your own emotions/self. If you choose to say it's because of someone or something else then you are giving that power away. It is a choice. You can choose to feel it, accept it, own it and give it away/turn it over.
I'll never forget telling someone "I just want to be pissed is that okay with you?!" and hearing "sure -- just don't stay in that stew pot too long okay." And they left me to be miserable for however long I wanted to be.
You are allowed, you can spend however long you want jusifing your feelings about "them" and what "they did" and how "they should be" -- and whenever you are ready, you'll be able to let it go.
You're going to make it thru this, it's just one more wave. Remember what you know
Like Luna mentioned, I am of the opinion that it doesn't matter how or why I am pissed off... the question I NEED to ask myself is, do I want to continue to feel this emotion. Anger is poison to me... if I'm in that "stew", it will spill into everything I'm trying to accomplish. I have to physically take time apart from my day, figure out the root cause, and then decide what I'm going to do with it. If I'm working my program, I will find the right answer for me, whether it is picking up the darned 200 Lb phone and making a program call or being able to Let Go of it.
Whatever you decide to do with it, it is yours and you are certainly entitled to feel your feelings. The HALT principles enter in and I sometimes just need to concentrate on taking good care of myself.
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Hello Serendipity , your anger is normal but to me misplaced. AA works if it is Worked period . Blaming others for choices the alcoholic in your life makes is a waste of your energy . AA is a program for those who want it not those who need it . I suspect your more angry at yourself than anyone else for allowing what u did I know thats where I ended up anyway . My husb did nothing to me that I didn't allow over and over again . He was only doing what worked for him and I did nothing and until I said enough ! and got my own program nothing changed in our home . Open AA meetings are great occasionally , but I finally decided that they were still about him and frankly I had had enough of thinking about him so I got into my program and stayed there . Al-Anon is a program for making my life better not his and it only takes one person to change to create change . Let it begin with me helped me alot . Anger will poison every postive thing in your life find a sponsor get rid of it so u can make room for the good stuff . I had a part in this mess too and when i was able to accept that and take responsibility for it my anger towards the alcoholic and the world in general started to lesson . Good luck Louise
Wow, Serendipity! Your post really hit home! So much of it is exactly what's been on my mind lately. And my obsessiveness about my A's past and present behavior towards me. And my resentment towards him for going out into circles of friends and acquaintances to make them laugh with endless dumb jokes and his eager "sure!" to anything they may ask from him - money, favors, etc. Anything to make them like him while he often treats me & the kids so distantly and cold and NEVER shows anything in the way of amends. But once, after a binge, he did say he never meant to hurt us and he would talk about his own thoughts about his drinking, generally. Maybe that's the only extent he knows how to express his thoughts and feelings. But I feel stuck in a lot of resentment and some anger even as I type this. And I soooo much appreciate TenderHearts response to you because it laid it all out for me! I truly feel some of the weight lifted!......jaja
Your post was a huge slap in the face for me...... I have also been there, I "Hated" AA, the people, the principles, the programme the whole shebang. THEN..I joined Al-anon, and I started "Little by Little" to appreciate what AA is all about. As someone said, yes it can work, it does work, but the Alcoholic needs to want it to work. I have heard some AA members say, there are people in AA who are NOT on a programme, the go to meetings to do the "Poor me" thing, and they are content to do this. I discovered my huge thing with AA turned out to be "JEALOUSY". I was envious of AA. The A in my life didnt need me anymore, he had someone else to listen to him, talk to him, support him, (FIX) him....lol
Just give yourself time, try to focus your attention on you. Work your programme. An AA member asked me a question yesterday, and I replied "I dont know" she said YES you do, you got the tools, you know how the programme works, Work it girl..(That told me), she didnt put up with any of the "Poor Ally's".....Some of the nicest and wisest people I have met are in AA. My sponsor is a double winner.
Thinking of you, and know where you are comming from. Someone also told me AA was for saving his life, and Al-Anon was for learning him to live again....
When you look at the AA's getting their chips, smile, and just remember, life has dealt them a blow too, the same as us, and I also feel, the slogan "Fake it, until you make it" can apply to a lot of people. They might appear to be arrogant, insensitive, but im sure they are in pain just like you..
Just as you will find people in AA who are not really working the program, but are using it in some sick way to justify their self pity and self absorption, you will also find those in alanon who use the program as a "bash the alcoholic" forum. So what?
The reality is, none of us work a perfect program all the time. If we make as many meetings as we can, read the literature, post and read the answers online, and actually THINK about what we are hearing, eventually, it sinks in. We stop spending so much time and effort justifying our old sick behaviour, and actually learn new ways. All of us can fall sometimes, though - it doesn't mean the program doesn't work, just that we are fallible human beings. I think it is the job of those who are at present on a healthier part of the path to guide discussion into more useful forms - this thread is a perfect example of that. Lots of good insight, presented lovingly.
Thank you everyone. I really do apperciate putting something ( a thought, feeling) out there and getting support, love and ideas. Alot of times I get responses and I know I am not in a place to put them to use...yet. But then the day comes when it clicks and I am ready and these new ideas of how to handle things pops into my head and I do it differently. So, I don't know yet if I am ready to let go, or put the suggestions into action but I have learned that I can do it differently when I am ready. And that it is up to me to know when I am ready. I don't have to live with this anger, hate and resentment. I can choose to do something and let it go. Or I can not rush myself, I can hold this anger for a bit and really examine it and feel it and know that it doesn't make me a bad person to do that if it is what I choose to do. I am right where I'm supposed to be ( AAGGHHH). But at least I know I am not alone and y'all are watching out for me and giving me you ESH. Thank you.
I used to have such anger at the Big Book. I found it really incredibly tedious and used to want to shove it in the face of those who eulogised it. I think my anger was really about my family of origin. They never supported me, were interested in me and I projected that everywhere I went.
The A I have been involved with also merges. He has gone through some very trying times lately and I think out of that has come choice. He has started looking at his family of origin in particular and seen some issues he would not deal with before. The irony is that although he merges he never really does want to be intimate with anyone. I don't either. I want to gloss it up a lot. I never really want to get to the nitty gritty.
Right now I owe the therapist I worked with for a few months a letter of thankyou and goodbye (I can't see her as I am working and she is only available in the day).
For me my anger at the A was a huge wall I had to break down. I literally ate slept and wept that anger for years. The other irony of course was that despite the fact I was livid at him I still loved him.
I can still get angry at the A. I can express it to him now. Of course I am not living with him at the moment and that helps. Distance helps. I have had to let go of a lot as I was really holding onto huge grudges against him and others.
I can't tell you when that will happen but the fact you are aware you are angry 24/7 is a good omen.
I also can't say that I dont' think I will be there again. I know I can be. I have to moderate my anger all the time. The situation I live in now the house I live in I could if I wanted to exist in anger all the time. I choose not to but I also know my time in this house is time limited. I never knew that with the A. I felt absolutely trapped in some cycle of anger, regret, rescue, resentment with him that I could not get of to save my life.
