The material presented
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Matt has 8 more days in rehab. I'm absolutely starting to lose it over here. I'm in almost constant physical pain because I miss him so much. He couldn't call me yesterday because he did something to lose his phone privilege, and he didn't call tonight even though he was supposed to (I learn this through his mother, who actually is in contact with him).
To complicate things more, he was extremely hurt by something I told him about in a letter, something I didn't think was a big deal, and that's been a huge stress point between us. I'm not even sure he still wants to be with me at this point. I don't know if he still wants me to go on vacation with him or even visit him on Sunday.
I'm going nuts. I don't have a job because I only had about 8 workable weeks in this summer, and by the time I got an application turned in they pretty much told me no immediately. I have very few hobbies (I'm broke anyway) or friends in the area who aren't working all the time. All I think about is how he's doing, if he's sleeping, if he's forgiven me, pretty much anything to do with him.
I thought it would get easier the closer we got to the end, but it's getting exponentially harder. I don't know what to do. Someone help!
my first suggestion is to breath! You sound out of breath. Been there. It's hard to do, but if you can take the focus off your A and think of something to do for you....a bubble bath, listen to music, watch a favorite Video, ANYTHING that will get your mind off him, it's a start.
Have you been to a f2f al-anon meeting yet? They are lifesavers, have been for me. Get yourself a sponor, someone who you can relate to. I know mine saved my life several times. Didn't always hear what I wanted to hear, but I heard what I needed to hear.
My prayers are with you during this difficult time, kiddo, just remember....BREATH!
Lots about him - will he still want you, etc. Not much about you - do you still want him? Early sobriety is a very difficult time - if he is honest about it, he will be doing the hardest work he has ever done in his life. If you are sitting at home, resenting him for the time he will need to put into AA, for the focus he will be putting on himself just now, no time for you, you not only make it harder for him, but your own life becomes impossible.
Luckily, there is an answer to this problem. Get as hard into your own program as he wil be into his. Life as it used to be is gone (if he is serious about recovery). You need to be a "new idea" as abbyal always says. You can get alanon books from the library if you can't afford to buy them, thrift shops are also great places to find them. Meetings are free, and if you need a ride, just call the contact number - someone could probably come and get you.
You may not be able to get a job, but you could volunteer - it would get you out of the house, give you something else to think about, and let you meet new people. There are lots of free or cheap healthy things to do (check out old threads for ideas) and the more you live your life, rather than passively waiting to live on the sidelines of his, the better for both of you.
Kiddo, I sounds like you're driving yourself crazy. Take a step back, a deap breath and carve out some time to help you sort through your feelings. To Lin's point, volunteering is very very rewarding, and can help you in immeasurable ways. You could make the rounds in your community or I have known people who just typed in a search and found countless options. Local Boy and Girl Scout programs are always in need, just as an example.
My AH was in treatment about 10 months ago at this time, and I know and understand the "what if" questions running through your head. What was most helpful to me at that time was journaling, doing an inventory of my fears, and reading a lot about addiction I think that no matter how much we say to concentrate on ourselves, we have to gain some knowledge and understanding of their struggle in order to help with our own.
Ok. I'm feeling better now, because I wrote him two letters. One's pretty intense, so I'm not giving it to him until after he gets out because I don't want to do what I did last time.
Yeah, something I didn't mention, I have pretty bad anxiety that's only partially controlled by medication. So, that's definitely not helping matters, haha.
Anyway, I'm going to see him tomorrow, and if he's still upset enough that he didn't put me on the visitor's list, I'll just sit and wait for his family to finish. I'll be pretty ticked I drove all that way (it's like an hour and 45 minutes each way, plus the 2 and a half hours I'd be sitting there), but I'd rather show when he doesn't want me than not show when he does. Also, I'm fairly sure (75%) that he'll put me on the list.
23 hours from now, I'll know either way. And I'm fairly certain I can keep myself occupied for 23 hours.
Is there a meeting you could attend in your area? It seems like your only focus is him. What about you hon? You know, I was told that you can't depend on someone else to make you happy...and that's true. It has to come from within. In order to find that place it takes some work. That's why Alanon says to keep the focus on yourself. It's impossible to find happiness when the focus is elsewhere. You gotta work on you first. He'll do his own work. Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 20:24, 2007-06-30
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I'm having problems finding a meeting that isn't in the city (which I avoid like the plague) and that is remotely near where I live. Besides, I'm reluctant to get involved with a group when I spend most of my year at college, over an hour away.
Normally I'm not this completely obsessed with him. It's just that I haven't seen him in two weeks or talked to him in over a week, except for a letter. I'll chill out a little after I see him, and probably completely when he gets out. Also, I'll feel a lot better when we get this whole disagreement thing sorted out. Our circumstances have just been a little weird this summer, even without the whole rehab thing.
