The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Years ago many moons before the A I had a boyfriend from Australia. At some point in our relationship his mother invited me out there to stay. She lived by the Great Barrier Reef. I was tremendously excited. On the way back I was going to stop in Bali. It was a trip of a lifetime.
At a certain point the then boyfriend said he didn't want me to go. Well he never said it directly but it became very clea.r My disappointment and sense of embarassment and betrayal was enormous.
Recently a mutual friend said that he wanted to get in touch with me. I tried to be casual (and I was) but in the back of my mind was the trip to the Great Barrier Reef. In fantasy I wanted him to say oh by the way come out now.
Of course the whole logistic of it is impossible but it was there in this littly tiny fantasy.
Needless to say he hasn't written. As a result of doing this program I have done a big 4th step on many relationships I've come to peace about lots of relationships. I have a sense of peace about him and his actions now.
I'm not shutting the door on interacting with him at some point in the future but I'm interested that my fantasys are still there about making things right, about being rescued, about being taken care of and about escaping. Escape, rescue and redemption are huge fantasies for me.
I hope some day my only redemption schemes will be ones that are orchestrated entirely by me.
I know I have recovery when I can look at this stuff with peace and equanimity rather than seeing it as another example of being unworthy.
Wow, this is kind of similar to a situation that happened to me recently (only mine's on a smaller scale).
An ex who used to use me as a kind of side dish to his girlfriend (I was infatuated with him and he told me he loved me. I eventually got smart about it and called it off, and don't behave like that anymore.) called me a few days ago. He hadn't called me in about a year, and we hadn't seen each other in months. He wanted to borrow a DVD set of mine. When he came over I made it painfully clear that I had no interest in resuming past activities and that he was not yet forgiven. We'll see how it progresses when he returns my DVDs. We used to be really close friends (this was after dating and before the physical relationship got in the way), and I'm willing to be friends, but the moment he tries anything he's out the door.
Good for you on letting go of him. I also felt better about said ex after I came to terms with the fact that he wasn't going to call me anymore.
Maresie I live in Australia and the location I reside in has its own reef that is actually much nicer than the Great Barrier Reef. So I can help you live out your fantasy to a certain degree( although cannot fill all the roles the boyfriend would have lol). Let me know when you are feeling down and I will tell you all about the untouched beauty of the beaches with no litter, no crowds and emus in my yard. Had two outside this morning. Luv Leo xx
When I was 18 I worked three jobs and saved almost all my money so I could go to Australia. When I left to live on my own, the money dwindled away. I'm still planning on going though, probably take a couple years, but later is better than never I think.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Wow- I thought I was the only person who carried on with delusional fantasies about past relationships! I reminisce back on a guy I left for my A. When I really think about him though I realize that there was a reason I left him! I actually saw more of a future with a guy who would show up high and half the time drunk at my door (my current AH)-- than with the former guy who was immature and still lived at home with his parents @ 32. When we think back on "the road less travelled" there usually is a good reason we didn't take the other path--- very few of us were choosing between good and evil-- it is usually between shades of grey. I recognize now that I made a lot of dumb choices on my road to my current relationship. At this point, the past doesn't matter. What am I gonna do TODAY?
Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Well I am going to be polite if and when he writes. At the same time I'm pretty clear I do not want to get re-involved with him. A mutual friend is doing some kind of writing about a mutual friend of ours who died of AIDs. Before I would have been in the thick of that. Now I am not. I am finally taking care of me first.
