The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The chemical assays done on the paraphernalia found here at the house showed no methamphetamine. The plate full of pot is a misdemeanor, so the county jail will release him tonight. The sheriff called to notify me which I greatly appreciated.
If they issued a warrant in Spokane county for 'failure to appear', he'll end up being extradited up there.
Immediately, on the phone with the sheriff, I felt disappointment and fear. It felt so safe to have him locked up. And there was a satisfaction in all the felonies he gathered, mainly because it meant he would be in custody and again, locked up and away from me.
It's so easy that way. But it ain't the way things 'are'.
I just needed to put this on the table. It was nice to leave the doors unlocked and relax. I'm scared, there's no doubt about it. I was scared before all this went down and he went to jail, but I couldn't really feel it, or didn't allow myself to feel it.
So I'm struggling with that feeling I also used to get when I was afraid but could do nothing about it aside from leaving the farm. I don't know what to call it, it's a desperate defensiveness, almost like panic.
At the same time, I have ole HP here and a restraining order and my resolve. I'm turning it over to HP as I write this out. It's in HP's hands, as it already was.
MMmmm, I feel better.
So I'll add this to my list: I can have a safe and peaceful life whether or not the A is using or sober, and whether or not the A is in jail or out.
Thanks for listening, I needed to get this out of my head.
It is nice to feel the relief of peace. I remember those nights where I had to have him locked up just to allow my kids to sleep through the night because if I hadn't, he would have been ringing the bell and kicking the door and peeling out. We have to do what we have to do for our sanity. Relax and enjoy for what it's worth. :)
This blows my mind . . . the sheriff who arrested the A and put him in jail is giving him a ride up to the farm. "Could you please pack a bag with enough stuff so he doesn't come back and bother me for more?"
Another call back: "He is going to try and take the one ton, can you put the keys in it and then we won't have to come in the house."
I couldn't help it, I asked "Why in the world are you giving him a ride up HERE? Why are you helping him like this? He did this to himself!" The sheriff said all the clothes he had were ripped and splattered with mud from being tazed by the police, and also said "I know, I know" to my increasing barrage of questions for HIM. I still need to apologize to him later, and I am sorry, but I was outraged that a COP would extend a hand to help this guy get back up here in this town. I said, "I am tired of people telling me how serious he is, how sorry he is, and what his grand plans are. I fully expect him to show up, especially since you are bringing him into town. He has no money and no one would let him in their house. He's going to end up drunk and back here, and you'll have to respond when I call 911."
The sheriff was very kindly with me, and sounded like he regreted his decision but didn't want to get out of it.
I felt overwhelmed instantly, and then I got up and packed a bag for him. I stuck the key in the one ton truck and tried to start it for five minutes. It's a '71 Chevy, it's been sitting idle all winter. Oh well.
This situation is almost absurd. I'm telling it as straight as I can. I'm sure this sheriff does not go to Alanon, only people like us who are so fed up and broken down by the disease show up, and we think crazy things like "you can be happy no matter what the A is doing" at least to the general public. So I am disappointed in the sheriff, and angry at what appears to be a lack of regard for me. Thing is, the sheriff doesn't "know" the A, and I can tell him stuff all day long, but until the A does it, it won't register. It's not personal, or even a lack of regard. Basically, I have to take care of myself, that's where it comes back to again and again.
. . . . well, they just came by. The A decided to take the ATV (the one I use to haul hay and feed around). It was my pleasure to tell the sheriff the goat kids had climbed on it and turned the lights on, so the battery is dead. "He just wants to be able to get around" said the sheriff. I "couldn't help it" again. "I could really give a shit if he has wheels or not, he did this to himself!" The sheriff kinda smiled and off they went.
It feels like reality distorted and got really weird for a while. It's too late to dig another hole, I'll have to find another outlet!
You said you are scared... "no doubt about it". If you are afraid of how your actions and feelings are affected by him being out, then you are right... HP and faith can help with that.
On the other hand if you are afraid he will be violent... keep that sherrif's number on speed dial.
We are here for you, but a gun toting cop can calm things down in a hurry. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
My dear friend Kim. Have you told him not to come back that he has an R order on him not to?
How has he responded? If he has a warrent from somewhere, if he is caught on your place won't he get thrown back into jail?
Well you know him Kim. It is always more scary to think about what might happen. It looks like his style is to go away isn't it?
What would bring him home, he has no drugs there.
So what do you need to do to protect you? If you have things in place, then you can relax more. He has not threatened you has he? I mean he has no ill will towards you?
If not, you have your skills now. You know not to argue, you know if he is not safe, that you have things set so you can leave.
Or do you have a plan where you could go? A place in your woods? A neighbor you can get to. Can you put your vehicle where You can get out quickly.
key hidden to your house and the vehicle, flashlight or lights, cell phone. list of numbers, a bag of emergency needs hidden in a barn or?
Think survival.
I don't know how old your pup is but you may want to make sure you have a leash stuffed, me I would not leave my dogs.
I was thinking you may want to keep a survival thing in your vehicle or? one of those emergency blankets,a gallon of water, energy bars, uno.
Also this may sound strange but if it is bad, which I have a feeling it is more likely he would not come there, You could always cut and put cattle panel over your windows. I know it is a drag but protect you.
Hey have a pair of handcuffs ready. I mean it. practice, think about scenerios. handcuff him to something, anything cumbersome, whatever uno?
My A said oh you could never do that to me. I said look down, I had already handcuffed him to me. Our situation was different then. i would not allow him to drive.
Well now you have to keep us posted. email me your phone number if you like.
do you have friends there to check on you? Call them and tell them he is getting out.
I am not bossying, you. more like these are suggestions.
geez now you got me nervous....I am going to email you my phone number.
now i wanna say, keep some boots or shoes you can get on easily like good running shoes or boots, by you or handy, I love my over alls and can throw them over my nitegowns....
Ok now that you are laying in bed in your boots, overalls, and a sweatshirt, clasping a flashlight, cell iln pocket, back pack of water blanket and power bars and your list of phone numbers.....
I've dealt with cops who felt sorry for the A before. They are, after all, incredible manipulators.
I think having the restraining order helps. There is some language in it where it says you can have somoene mediate between you. The issue with the order is that for a time there is back and forth in getting stuff. We have to be patient about that. I know the fear. I also think I know some of the fear was that I would go right back to the way I was.
The time for you to do that is long long gone.
I know full well the ovewhelm stuff and the what now.
I also know my own esh was that the A went into full victim mode. He did not aggress on me for a long long time. For me the A in vicitm mode is pretty difficult to deal with. I have to remind myself constantly of my own needs. There are huge areas of need for me that are being unmet right now.
sometimes we have to go back to taking it one hour at a time.
Wow Kim, what a scary situation. Debilyn offers some great advice on being prepared for anything. It reminded me of a movie I saw once w/Jennifer Lopez in it. It was called "Enough" and it was about her Knight in Shining Armor of a husband turning in a a cheating wife beating sleeze bag. It is her story of how she got away from him and was prepared for him to show up out of the blue any second and how she could escape. You ought to rent it sometime and just get some survival ideas from it.
My sister is dealing w/a psycho abusive husband. She kicked him out this past winter and got a protective order against him. He is psycho and had threatened to kill her and the kids on many occassions. The cops here gave her this alarm that she wears on a chain around her neck. Basically if she feels like she is in danger, she pushes the button on the alarm and it alerts all of the police in the area of her danger and they immediately respond. It is a pretty neat gadget. Maybe your town has something like that...maybe not but worth checking into. Especially if you are out on a secluded farm where you don't have easy contact w/folks.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and hoping you find some peace and serenity daily.
