The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Earlier this year the A got two speeding tickets. I had really hoped he had taken care of them. He hasn't. At the same time he's still doing this work under the table stuff which is all well and good if he earned any money at it.
He hasn't.
During the time he was homeless he earned nothing.
Meantime I was barely making it at minimum wage jobs.
Now I am eanring somethings its a tough call. In theory the truck could be impounded with the speeding tickets (they are long long overdue0. I am so fed up being held hostage with this truck!!!!!
I am also fed up with the A not being responsible.
He's stopped asking me for money but really he has no sympathy or time for my living situation.
I stepped in and helped him out he does not reciprocate. Of course I am expecting too mcuh because after all he is an A.
Right now I should be happy he is off the street, healthier and not about to die. I'm not I want perfection. I want him to turn into a sane human being. He isnt' likely to.
I have to really come to grips with as long as I assoicate with the A he's always going to have his crisis. My plan b went out the window when this living situation I am in deteriorated.
I need a new one. I don't really want to get one because I'm back to the same old same old. I don't like the compromises I have to make. I still want the A to turn into a regular human being. He isnt' going to.
Sometimes my anger can be the motivator I need to move me in the direction I need to move in. Enough is enough and I need to take responsibility for myself and my needs, not blame others for the predicament I am in. It sure would be great if my fantasies about the A would come to reality, sure would make my life easier, but then I am using one of my naughty words, "If only he would...." You are wise to have a Plan B. Keep taking care of yourself and trust in your HP. It does all work when I let go.
Your A sounds much like mine when it comes to work. My AH was working construction for pay under the table. Amazing how I NEVER saw any of that money. Amazing how he was still needing money from me into to put gas in his truck or cigs in his pocket. So yea, I am right there with you on that aspect.
Now he is working a real job....one that cuts him a paycheck and takes taxes out and all. BUT I have yet to see any of that money either. He has $100 sitting in the joint checking acct. but only b/c he has no easy way of getting it out of there. He should be getting his 2 paycheck tomorrow and I am hoping he gives me some money to at least put towards groceries and utilities.
The difference between you A and mine it sounds like is mine ignores all the drama. We get calls in from his creditors every 20 minutes or so it seems and he just ignores them. He says there is no point in talking to them until he has something to tell them....like when he will be able to make a payment. Not smart in my book but not my problem. I just have to listen to the phone ringing off the hook. And he ignores the mountains of mail he gets from all of these creditors too. He just piles it up, puts it aside, doesn't even bother opening them.
His truck could be impounded at any moment too for lack of truck payments being made. But I try not to worry about that. I have my car and he has his truck. If he loses his truck, he will have to figure out how to get where ever he needs to go. And it won't be by using my car. No Way Hosay!
My approach to all of this is that his problems are not my problems. Why should I worry about something I cannot control. I have to take care of me. He is a big boy and will just have to take care of himself. This approach is tough sometimes, especially when I see my monthly credit card bills come in and I see how much money he is costing me without any contribution or appreciation at all. But I am working the program, working on detatchment and praying that something changes before I run completely out of credit. I am working on setting up new boundries when it comes to finances. That is a tough one for me as I feel torn - let him suffer and figure it out or help him out until he gets going w/this job. I am hoping since tomorrow will be his first big paycheck, that some changes will take affect.
Good luck to you. Keep working on you. Sincerely, QOD
Well I was trying to work on a way to get the A's car. There are some moments when I think it just isn't worth it. I miss my dogs tremendously. Where I live is super problematic. The A;s answer to that has been to make it worse there for me. The other day he did laundry there and swore up and down someone stole his jeans. They didn't of course. The jeans were in the mess he has. I knew someone had not stolen his jeans. That is "his' way however. The other day he came and met me from work. I think he felt he was making a nice gesture. At the same time I'd had a hugely diffiicult day. As usual I didn't feel likehe had my needs in there. He wanted to hang out with me which would have been all well and good if he'd asked me what I wanted to do. So we were back in the same old groove, me attending to him. At a certain point I just said I want to go back to where I live.
Getting the truth out of the A....Is like trying to shovel air out of a hole?
Metaphorically I mean.
It's like trying to have an intelligent conversation with a donkey and you finally realize the donkey explained and somehow YOU missed it.
Or
Getting the truth out of the A....Is like trying to get iced tea from the microwave, it might only happen if the A is in there holding on to the glass while you have the door shut and you finger on start.
