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IMO(in.my.opinion), when one parent has already punished the child for a particular bad behavior - I don't consider it necessary for the other parent to do the same or enforce some other sort of punishment. Am I wrong on this? I blew up at AH last night bc of this - I know blowing up at him was uncalled for and I apologized later. When he does this sort of thing, it makes me feel like he's obviously thinking my punishment wasn't good enough i.e. undermining my authority. I feel that it sends a similar message to my daughter - I'm not even sure what exactly - I guess, that I am to be less respected than her father? I dunno. Please tell me what you think!
Hmmm . . . though I can understand your conclusions about what your husband is thinking, I'd hesitate to believe what you do believe till you check it out with him.
Much of my A's behavior seemed utterly personal to me, but ended up just being self centered or impulsive, had nothing at all to do with what he thought I was doing. He wasn't thinking about me at all :D . So my assumptions were wrong.
It made me feel better to do a reality check. And besides, whether or not he thinks you are to be less respected is irrelevant, you aren't to be less respected.
odd that you said in your post that this was off topic. i see it as completely on topic in regard to the disease of alcoholism. my ah would sometimes do this and when i spoke with my sponsor about it she relayed that perhaps it was his way of attempting to establish control over a situation that he had no control over, that being the fact that the children do not turn to him for anything anymore. he wanted to make it known that he is still their father regardless of his choices, that they should still show him respect, even though he does not offer it. i think that there is very little that you can look at when living with an A that you cannot look at through the lenses of this disease.
i would say from my own experience that i needed to check my motives. was i trying to show my kids who was boss? was he being more reasonable? was i? were my children really getting mixed messages, or were they more aware of what was happening than i? did i need to share some alateen literature with them? could they read it on their own?
if you do not have any alateen literature i would strongly suggest getting some. if your child is capable of reading on her own, she could do that. i have often asked my child to pinpoint the feeling ie frustration and then read the pages on that with him and talk about the connections. also, i feel that it is my responsibility to learn all i can about this disease, including how it affects children and the alateen literature allows me to do that without it being quite so close to home.
IMHO, I think the "double punishment" is not a good thing. For the reasons you gave. Not that AH is intentionally doing this to undermine your authority, but I think in some ways it might. It also really sends a confusing message to the kids.
The parents that I know and admire usually hold off on deciding a punishment until after they have had a chance to discuss it with each other, if this is possible. When the "offense" occurs they will let the child know they have done wrong and that there is going to be consequences to their actions to be determined after discussion with the other parent. This gives the parent first aware of the problem time to simmer down if necessary and not react out of anger. By letting the child know that both parents will decide the punishment together, it demonstrates to them that both parents are equally involved and shows a united vision of parenting. Which results in consistancy!!!!
If one of the parents has to make a call "on the spot" so to speak the other parent never counteracts the call. If there is a disagreement with it, the two discuss this in private and file the discussion away for the future. If a bad decision was made as to the punishment (and both agree it was bad) the parent who gave the punishment can then go to the child and amend it if necessary.
I know this sounds kind of impossible if you haven't lived this way, cuz I know it did to me!!! But I know people who live this way, and boy does it work for them!
I agree with david62 on this one. I have found myself in this exact situation and now when I have a problem large enough that I KNOW my AH will feel compelled to apply his own amount of punishment.....I tell my children that their dad and I will have to discuss what the appropriate punishment will be.....but for them to be expecting it.
Now the one that always gets me is when I put one of the kids on restriction and my AH let's them off when I am not around. Like when I take TV away from my 13 yo son.....my AH will let him watch TV after I have gone to bed.
AND I have a rule of no eating/drinking outside the kitchen....(this is my new house & I want to keep it nice)....my AH will eat in the living room and allow my son to do the same when I am not around (or after I have gone to bed). That one really gets me. To me, I feel like it is teaching my son to be sneaky AND to teach him "What mom doesn't know won't kill her." ways of thinking. To me, it seems like my AH is trying to bond w/our son and make amends for his own bad behavior by being the "cool" parent. I also see it as making me seem like the "bad guy" to my kids. I have talked to my AH about this and he has gotten better about it but it still happens from time to time. Just like last night....I was upstairs taking a shower and when I came down my husband was laying on the couch watching TV.....my son was sitting in the recliner EATING cookies w/milk. I just looked at him like he was stupid and said "What do you think you are doing? Get in the kitchen with that!" My son just laughed and went in the kitchen w/an attitude like "Dang it! She caught me." I just looked at my AH like "What the heck?". He just grinned and shrugged it off. In my opinion, even if my AH thinks that rule is a silly one...he could have at least told my son that he had better get back in the kitchen w/the cookies and milk before I caught him. To me that would be better than just letting him do it w/out saying a word to him. But that is just me.
Good luck w/sitting down and talking to your A about rules and punishments. Hopefully y'all will be able to come to some middle ground on how to handle misbehaviors from the kids. Sincerely, QOD
I never thought of it from the perspective of him trying to gain some control over another situation bc he has no control over the A. I've noticed that our daughter has pulled back from him alot compared to the way she used to be with him. Thanks for all of the thoughts and suggestions!
Some times Gurly the double punishment comes because the child ticks off one parent which makes life difficult for the other parent and earns the child a "double hit." I know this from my own experiences. I use to buck my mom when my mom and step-dad were at odds with each other and looking for any kinda peace they could get. Then I would do a "no-no" and my mom would add me to her list which would also contain my step-dad. My step-dad would see that she upset and know it was because I bucked against her and he would then come down on me. You could say I got "more bang for my buck". Back then parents had absolute power and authority. Things have altered that today somewhat as to the treatment of children however it takes program for me to act and react fairly, honestly and justly under similar circumstances today. Al-Anon has handled me with the "gentle" touch and guides me in doing the same within all my affairs.
Last night's meeting was on "the family in recovery".
I personally don't like the double punishment idea as I had a bad experience of it with my youngest son. He got into difficulty some time ago, whereupon I was very angry. I sent him to work with his dad, who also got very angry with him and he went missing as he became very distressed. I will never forget the 2and half hours he was gone as long as I live and the effect it had on the ex-A was terrible. Because of some of the tools I had practised from alanon, I did not play the blame game and we got through it, I feel I caused the situation and that the response to the difficulty did not warrant the punishment meted out. My son felt bad enough already. I just think its too easy when things are difficult enough for the children for things to spiral out of control. The children know far more than what they let on and our frustration in hiding it from them does not help. I hope all goes well with you and what ever the situation between you and the A, I know that making some kind of attempt to discuss it together is the better solution, rather than all the winding up that can go on.
Please tell me what you think!
and not react out of anger. By letting the child know that both parents will decide the punishment together, it demonstrates to them that both parents are equally involved and shows a united vision of parenting. Which results in consistancy!!!! 
But I know people who live this way, and boy does it work for them! 