Hi guys,
Well, I've been in counseling a year now.  And I have learned to really listen to my counselor.  One thing she said to me was to remeber who people are.  Specifcally, my grandmother (93) is hard of hearing. Old. Old fashioned, Doesn't like confrontation; no waves.  Not into honest heart to hearts or real emotional conversations. Nothing deep. Doesn't like change.

Before I'd gone into counseling last year, I called my grandmother b/c I was close to her house (I'd just recently moved into her county after living 45 min away for 45 years) and wondered if I might drop by to say "Hello".  I thought this was a nice gesture, esp. since we weren't close while I grew up (she lived w/ my aunt and uncle and their kids so she was close to them). I thought I'll try to get closer to her, let her know I do love her... try to be a better granddaughter by visiting her and calling on her.  So, I did. 

She said "No. I'm busy. I have to do laundry and iron some shirts for [my uncle]." I stood with my jaw dropping. "NO?!!???"  She'd rather do laundry than see her granddaughter on a Friday when she is alone in the house?!!!!
Ouch! I cried all the way home.

This was one more story to the many times she'd rejected me... my gifts she stuffs while she adores what my cousins give her. The photos of me and our kids I give her on the back of the shelf while my cousins have a shrine to each of them. Faces she'd made at my requests as if I were asking for the moon while she bends over backwards to do anything for my cousins and my father... whom she thinks walks on water (he really, really doesn't!). She reaches for my cousin's kids to hold them, sit next to them or just get a bit of attention from them, while she barely talks to my children. ouch - ouch- ouch!

It took months of therapy to learn the reality of who my grandmother is and what to expect of her.  So, I basically expect nothing, pray for grace to deal with whatever she gives me -- good or bad.

Tonight, I decided I wanted to get some strawberries and ice cream with my 2 1/2 year old son Ben.  I thought, "My aunt and Uncle are away on vacation and my grandmother is home alone.  I think I'd like to go visit her and ask her if she'd like to share some of these beautiful strawberries." My kids don't really know their grandfather but I do want them to know their great grandmother... have some sense of family.... so I asked Ben "Want to go to Grandmom's house with ice cream?"  He smiled, "Ice cream. Grandmom's house."  Like he knew it'd be a good thing.

A thought of fear went through my brain... "What if she rejects us?!" but then I thought, "Be yourself. Just be yourself." And I prayed the entire way over to the house. I prayed for her and I prayed for me.

Well, remembering she is hard of hearing and only sometimes wears her hearing aid, I didn't take offense when she didn't answer me right away...

Remembering she is old and doesn't like change, I was prepared that she might not like a surprise visit and might not be happy to see me ... but with a cutie pattotie like my son and a bag with melting ice cream on a 99 degree day -- would she turn us away? -- probably not...
She didn't. 
Her first look was one of flabbergast.  I think it took her off guard... but after she realized I had ice cream.... hmmm... ice cream.... she melted!
She smiled... she welcomed us!

I kept my expectations realistic... no heart to heart conversation, just the weather, restaurants, catching up on who is where and what they're doing... light, light conversation.

I also thought, short.. not a long visit... short.  I thanked the Lord that after 45 minutes, my toddler started saying "go home?" -- well, he has to go home to get a bath and get ready for bed! It's that time.... we all smiled...

It was nice... and I felt true to myself.  I braved my fear. I knew if I let my fear of rejection keep me from acting, that I would feel awful all night and would've obsessed about how awful I felt and what could've happened.  

Tackled the situation with prayer and appropriate expectations... and it went fine.  And I feel good that I followed my gut to do something nice for someone else -- that's my nature... like I said, I feel true to myself. It feels so good to be true to myself.  

[I'm relieved of course that she didn't reject us at the door or that she didn't say, "I hate ice cream"... "I hate strawberries." or "I already had dessert" or "I don't eat dessert."]  I believe God did give her grace to accept something from me...

and my hope is that maybe she'll open her heart to me just a tiny bit  more because of this gesture. My deepest hope for the next several years is that she knows how much I really love her  and reciprocates that a little before she dies because I've spent the last 35 years feeling alienated from her and afraid of the pain of her rejection. I know she's got alot of years under her belt and may not change, but at least I know I did my part.

I did a similar thing on Father's day with my dad (her son... the apple doesn't fall far from the tree)... and without going into that story... God came through with grace for each of us and it was a pleasant get together.  

anyway, thanks for listening.... just wanted to share this small victory for me.
with love,
Lee Ann