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well it's been several months since my husband admitted to me he was an alcoholic. he has refused to do any sort of program, saying he could do it himself (with my help of course). he's recently started trying to quit; he's been sober now for going on 2 months. i'm so excited about that, and i'm very proud of him, but i'm trying to not to get my expectations and hopes up too high, since he still won't do a program or anything. then tonight we were talking, and he was saying how good he feels now, and how much energy he has now (but he recently quit school, he was going for his bachelor's degree, so that probably has a lot to do with it too). it's been nice, because he's not holed up in our room drinking and using homework as an excuse to be separated from his family. it's nice he has energy and feels better physically since quitting. but then he says that he wonders if he was even an alcoholic to begin with, because the urge to drink is not really there anymore, and he says that if he were an alcoholic he doesn't think that it would be so easy for him to quit on his own. he's thinking that he was drinking out of mere habit, and that he was in this cycle of depression/drinking-he was drinking because he was depressed, but drinking made him more depressed, so he drink the next night because of depression etc...etc. i said, that's what made you an alcoholic, the reasons you were drinking and the amount and the fact that he was physically addicted to it, he would get sick if he didn't drink. he said that he feels habitual drinking (which he is now convinced he was) is different that alcoholism. i said it's not healthy or wise to start thinking that now, and start denying he had a problem. he said he's not denying he had a problem, but that the problem may not have been alcoholism. this has me worried now that he'll start drinking again, and we'll start this cycle all over again. i was trying not to get my hopes up that he would stay sober, especially since he's doing this alone, but now i'm really worried. i mean if he's in denial that he was even an alcoholic to begin with, what's stopping him from thinking he can have a few beers each night. then a few will become more, and soon he'll be back up to a 12 pack a night again. what can i say to him? i just want to smack him and say, wake up! you are definitely an alcoholic! get with it! i don't think that would be helpful though. well, i guess i've rambled on long enough. thanks for listening!
Oh boy . . . don't be hard on yourself for hoping he'll stay sober. Who wouldn't hope that? It's the clinging to the thought "he MUST be sober for me to have a good and stable life".
You ask what you can say to him . . . I've been there right with you, watching my A's warning signs, slips into denial, all that. I've watched him cycle through sobriety, all the kinds of relapse that proceed the actual drinking and using. I said just about everything, and I've got the gift of gab. He's sitting in jail right now with three or more counts of felony narcotic possession, all obtained in a months time, so what I did say didn't amount to much.
I could however refuse to participate in his denial. If he made an outrageous statement, I disagreed. If he wanted to pick a fight about it, I said "I do not see it that way, and you asked me, so that's it. I don't want to fight about it." I used to buy into his denial because we got along better, but I started getting sicker and crazy myself, I felt awful and depressed and very afraid, like we were on a rollercoaster and the car was out of control.
Often during these times I felt my emotion rising, and what I wanted to do was shake him or start spewing my rage at him. I slipped up, no doubt, but plenty of times I just left the room when I felt myself start to give in to the emotions. I felt much better when I did not rake him over the coals or challenge his craziness than when I did, so it became easier to do over time.
That's why it's been so important for me to have a riveting, exciting life outside the relationship with my A. I have had sources of satisfaction independent of him and his moods, and had LOTS of practise doing this farm alone while he was out binging. I learned I can even do winter up here without him. He became rather unnecessary in my life the worse he got. He was months from prison or death at this point, so I'm telling you how it was for me with an end-stage alcoholic/drug addict. I did not have to wring my hands in isolation while he went down the tubes, I had a life finally that didn't need him for me to feel good.
Now I'm going on and on . . . but that's my experience with how the tools helped me stay mostly sane NO MATTER what was going on with my A.
You have a lot of insight and strength and honesty with yourself. Keep working at it and posting, it really helps :) .
had this same conversation with my AH last nite. He doesn't like the label. thinks it doesn't relate perfectly to his situation. I am learning to be quiet and not give my opinion unless asked. He has got to figure it out for himself. He goes to meetings now and it seems when he hears it from people who have this disease-- he believes it more. kind of.
one interesting thing we talked about last night- he says that he has never been one to accept something as truth until he sees it/experiences it himself. I asked him how far he needs to take that premise. He needs to figure that one out as well. the funny thing about this is that he talks to the kids about learning the easy way (Mom says the stove is hot) or the hard way (burning yourself on the stove). Takes one to know one, right?
enjoy your day and be good to yourself- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Ya know, I just had a situation w/my AH this week that made me want to reach out and shake him until his thoughts were straight again. My AH also seems to think he can kick a crack addiction and alcoholism on his own. That is a BIG task for anyone to take on w/out professional help as far as I am concerned. Of course he says I cannot make a statement like that b/c I have never had an addiction problem. TRUE! I have NEVER had a chemical dependency like he does.
Now his mood since last Thursday has been HORRIBLE. And I had a feeling that he was working hard to NOT give in to his addictions. I asked him if he was ok and he would just say he had a bad day or a rough week. I asked if there was anything I could do for him and he said no. What I really wanted to do is address the situation at hand as I saw it. But what good would that do. He has to battle this on his own. I cannot do it for him. I can be there for support when he asks for it but other than that....I cannot control him or his addictions. I can however control how I react to it. And I did just that.......I found things I needed to do or wanted to do that took me away from the situation at home and away from him and his moods. I went to my martial arts classes, ran errands, watered the flowers. Anything to separate me and the kids from him and his sour mood. I kept my mouth shut and after a week, he was passed it and doing much better.
I don't know how or if this helps in any way. Just felt like sharing it w/you. Hope you have a great day. Keep your chin up and keep working on you. Sincerely, QOD
I can so relate,my h who hasnt drank for 5 mths blames deppression too,in 33yrs of marriage he hardly drank at all,then wham,drank until he lost nearly everthing we had,no-one on both sides of the family have had a drink problem either,so i arrived at this board a total wreck not knowing what the hell was happenening and why. We are both taking it one-day-at -a-time. Love to all Ollie xxxxx
