The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm making it a point to listen to some of my favorite music. Watch some of my favorite TV shows. That my father is out of state on vaca has served me well, because I'm using his TV to watch my favorite shows. I know. It's immature. But, honestly, I didn't realize how bad off I looked until 2, count'em two, different people asked me "Are you okay?" And when I gave the customary, "Oh yeah! I'm good!" They responded with the "Sarah, you totally suck at lying" look. The best I could say, in responce to their responce, was simply "I've got alot going on, and alot on my mind. But I really, honestly do appreciate that you asked." I stuck to the facts, Det. Friday. My stomach still feels like it's sucking itself alive. My knees still feel like jell-o. I'm going to make up geology lab tomorrow. I've spent the better part of today reminding myself "This too shall pass." I've kept reminding myself "It's gonna be okay, God, it's gonna be okay." I don't know why I'm reassuring God that it's gonna be okay, because God knows, I need to be reassured that it's gonna be okay. As far as boundries go, and we talk about them alot here, I set a doozy of a boundry. And this is the kind that I can't necessarily say "oops! sorry, was a bit too much of a bitch there! my bad!" Or, rather, I can, but I'm a little attached to my self respect at this point. And you all taught me that, really, self respect is the best part, and one of the most important parts of recovery. It means that, no matter what the dysfunction of alcholism espouses, the truth is I am God's child, 1st, last, always, and self love, coming from within, is always pure. And very, very different from ego. I really want to tell you all again, I really really appreciated what you did for me. I can feel myself begin to cry here again, but, as someone pointed out, at a certain point, grief is an important part of recovery. And recovery, after all, is why I'm here.
Hang in there Tiger, everything will be alright and this too shall pass....I hate cliche's but they are true. Who said recovery was easy? It's a train wreck that I need to get off personally. :) We are here for you hun. Lots of love
Crying is good. Grief is real. At least you have a name for it now. I spent years wondering what was wrong with me. This too shall pass really happens if we can hang in there.
self-esteem is good, so i hear!!! i hope to try it on, soon! sometimes, we need to just cut ourselves some slack-- we are doing the best we can. progress is knowing when things could be better, and working toward that -- progressing toward making things better. for me. sometimes i have to swallow my pride and ask for help from friends, family and definately HP... that is humbling, but at least it keeps me progressing. thank you for posting.
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
