The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So i'm really working my program to detach with love and let the A have the diginity of finding his own bottom and reaching out for help when he is ready. But, I find myself now trying to get in there with his mother and control her. I've watched her run over to his house, take his keys, convince him to go to rehab, take his money so he won't buy anymore alcohol, evict him....I've tried reaching out to her and gently suggesting al=anon and have told her why it is I am detaching, lest I get sick along with him and that I am powerless over his choice to drink and powerless over his choice to seek help and on and on an on.... I know she needs to hit bottom too and find myself now getting angry with her for not backing off him, but she is powerless over her enabling, and so I now need to work my program realizing I am powerless over her enabling.
thanks for listening...I had to write it to have it make sense for me...
At least you have enough program under your belt to realize what you are doing. I've been told that once you recognize behaviors, you can change them. You'll be OK, just remember to concentrate on your best interests, not his and not hers. You've suggested Alanon to her, but maybe she's not ready. The less you get yourself involved, the easier it will be for you. Good luck!
If it seems right to you, and if you're prepared to have her reject this overture as well, maybe consider giving her one of the intro alanon pamphlets, like "What do YOU do about the Alcoholic's drinking?", or "Merry-go-round called Denial", saying something closer to "I really liked this" than "I thought you might really like this". (Warning: I recently heard someone share that they did just that, thinking as they read merry-go-round, oh! that's me! oh! that's so-and-so!. The family member they shared the pamphlet with handed it back a week later, saying, that's interesting, but it's not US.)
Another one I really like as a kind of bridge between outsiders and Alanon is the Forum magazine substitute, Alanon Faces Alcoholism 2007. It has wonderful articles by a psychologist, a lawyer, etc., talking about how they have seen families affected by Aism and helped by Alanon.
And then you've done what you can do, and it's up to her, even if she's a train deciding to keep heading for the wall. Take a deep breath, and keep coming back.
It seems like alcoholics always have more than one enabler, and we can't control them any more than we can control the alcoholic. The other enablers are just part of all of it that we need to let go of.
If we were able to wave a magic wand and disable the enabler :D , the alcoholic would go find another one.
I would certainly feel very very frustrated in your position. But I'd have to remind myself of the basic principles and pull back from that situation, too. The "other" enabler isn't going to stop your A from the consequences of his illness any more than you could have, not in the long run anyway.
Breathe deep and let her go, too. Your peace of mind is worth the work, and you are working hard for it. Take care.
Are you my long lost twin??? The majority of my grief comes from trying to control the enabler. I pretty well have it set in my head that in no way shape or form am I going to control the alcoholic so I guess I have just moved on.
Damn, another realization. Guess I need more work.
Truly, the only ones we can control is us.
lilms
__________________
Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
