The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...and ain't that the truth. The number of ways I have been humbled this past year is astounding, and one of the most powerful is in my parenting and my childrens' behavior. On an outing last night, the interaction between my daughter and myself could have been straight from an episode of "SuperNanny", honest to goodness! I was absolutlely appalled. To many details to even go into but she made sure taht she had a reason to be miserabel about someting the entire time. Her AH dad (who is now sober and doing a great job of being present) has been out of the house for 5 mos now and she is mad! Mad at me, of course. To be honest, and as you probably could guess, my behavior has been less than stellar the past few years, I was a yeller,sarcastic and rude., just like her. I took at the majority of anger toward my AH on my poor children and the impact of that is slapping me in the face now on a daily basis. Her defense for her behavior is that she has a right to be mad and that she can't be happy. Also, she is acting just like me, and I don't get punished so why should she. The sad part of it all is that what she is saying is true. But, I am trying, and feel I have been doing better, but she on the other hand is not. I am afraid I have lost her and it breaks my heart. I ned to get us help. We don't have any warmth between us because frankly, as hard as it is to admit, we don't like each other very much right now.
I guess I'm just venting more than anything else. Proof positive that Aism is a family disease,that's for sure. Today is a new day and I will greet her with open loving arms.
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
As an adult child and now being a parent married to an active A I can tell you that we are all affected and your subject is very true... but consider this. As you change, they will learn that too. Nothing is instant, and for many of us it took a long time to get were we were... and will take an equally long time to get back to a level state.
My son was having a rough time of it last night too, must be the moon, but I asked him if he was upset about something and he said no. So I carried on as if he was not in a bad mood. Before too long he wasn't.
Now, he is 12 and things and well.... he is a guy, so?
Take heart, be patient with yourself and your daughter. Literature might help if she is willing, but at around 15 or so I wasn't. Just didn't want to hear it.
The best thing you can do for your family is get better yourself... that's why we are here.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Lou, as a mom who has gone through similiar with my own kids, I can tell ya that yes we too got "punished". How? The pain we feel seeing what we taught our children, the pain we feel seeing them angry and upset as we used to be, the pain we feel not knowing how to "fix" it.
I had a conversation with my oldest boy about these anger issues. I acknowledged his right to be angry. Yes, he does have that right. I also acknowledged that I was imperfect and had made mistakes as a parent. I also pointed out that I tried to do the best I knew how to do back then at the time, that today I can see what wasn't good and what is good, that I am working on changing myself so that I'm not that mom of yesterday. All we have is today. I can work today on being a loving good mom. My son is a young adult, and I told him he has the same choice I had. To stay in the anger and blame, or to look at how he can change and make his own life a good happy one too.
Since that talk, I can see he took my honest words to heart. He has really worked on his own anger issues and it helped open the lines of communication between us. One other thing I had told him which I think is important, is that while I am truly sorry for the "bad" in the past, I was not going to take the guilt and blame anymore. My way of going forward/of showing amends was to change my own actions/words. My carrying guilt/blame didn't do either of us any favors. Just kept the cycle of "sick" going.
Best wishes to ya (((((((Lou))))))))
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Dear Lou, What a powerful post. Thank you for your honest share.
My sons are 8 and 2- 1/2 yrs. and I know my 8 year old is watching me. This scares me alot! I've seen him act not so kindly toward one of his innocent friends and thought, "Oh God... he got that from me!" I looked upon the poor friend and I could see how he'd been taken hostage... I now understand what that means when I take hostages. I understand more than ever how my behavior victimizes my children and it kills me... they are innocent and they don't deserve it... they are innocent bystanders. I hate this disease and so I try very, very hard to keep getting better. It's the only way I know I won't hurt my children... left to my own ways...... ??? scary to think about!
I have reflected alot about parenting over the years. The thing that stood out for me about my childhood (and it was very rough) was that my parents never, not once , ever apologized to me for their mistakes or misbehaviors toward me. Even when I was an adult talking to my mother about the past, she never once said "I'm sorry." Never once owned her mistakes. All I got were excuses why she acted the way she did. "I was this or I had to deal with that" ... "your father.." or .. "your brother.... " or "You were so difficult..." Nothing but excuses.
So, the thing I try to do when I mess up/slip up or act out... is go back (when I'm calm and able to be honest) and apologize and explain why I acted as I did. I take responsibility, I own it. I often will say I was wrong or made a mistake in my behavior and I'm sorry. In the beginning, my son would always say, "It's okay mom." But then I told him, "No.. it's not okay. You don't deserve to be treated disrespectfully or yelled at or have curse words used when I talk to you. No one does... please say: "I accept your apology -- I take your 'I'm sorry.'" I want him to learn not to accept certain behaviors -- the way I did. And I want him to know those behaviors are just not acceptable - period. Anyway... sorry for the tangent... that's just one thing I'm doing differnetly than my parents did for me.
I think you were very brave, honest and humble in your post... keep it up... if you're humble, open and willing, I know God can work in you and through you. And wouldn't that be a wonderful lesson for your daughter to observe? As a parent, I am always hoping I can break the cycle of this disease, break it somewhere, lessen its effects on my children.... so hopefully, my children will be somewhat better off than I had it. Lord willing!!
Well, tonight was Round 2. Score 1:1. Tonight we were home and I stayed in total control and was unbelievabley cool, calm and collected. If she wouldn't leave the room when requested I left her. She didn't like that so much. My 10yr old girl finally felt so out of control, she screamed at the top of her lungs and hit the floor until she hurt her hand. She then said she needed help and asked for comfort. She was determined not to take any responsibility for her actions, and to convince me that it is what I have taken away from her that is making her so unhappy (sleepovers, her ipod, and her dad) thus I determine her happiness. The fact that a change in attitude could get her what she wants (with the exception of her dad) appeared lost, though I know she knew better than that. Anyhow, to make a long and very loud story short, after being by herself for a while, she had a miraculous spontaneous recovery and approached me saying "I understand", and that was that. The rest of the evening was pleasant and we had icecream and watched Charlotte's Web. Whew! I am thinking she is thinking it is all over and that her restrictions will be returned tomorrow. Unfortunately she is mistaken. I decided to cross that bridge when I get to it and just enjoy the evening.
Thank you for your experiences and dialogues. You are all incredibly helpful.
RTexas, I needed that reminder of patience and the encouragement to keep getting better. Thank you!
Kis, thanks for putting into words about my "punishment", you are exactly right. To see the pain my daughter is in and feeling I have only contributed and cannot fix it is overwhelming at times and definately one of the worst punishments a parent could get. Ouch. I like how you spoke of comparing about yesterday and today.
And Lee Ann, yes, I've used excuses and am really working on owning my behavior without putting my children on a level or superior playing field. I find that tough to do, but think I am slowly making change. I, too, want to break the cycle of this disease. I appreciate your encouragement.
Blessings,
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
