The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I was out rounding up the critters for bedtime and milking last night, this phrase kept coming into my head. "Living to regret."
Indeed, I am living to regret right now. I did not get through all the bank statements, you know how you go off on tangents. In those tangents I realized why the A did not post bail for himself. He has a checking account he opened for himself a while ago, and I'd told him to take that money and get out, get help, go away, so it was money I had let go of.
Well, it's GONE. What a shock.
The money in my account was untouched, but is critically low, I mean low enough that only by shutting down some extraneous services we have, like satellite TV, will I make it for the next six months. That's if I don't go back to work, which of course I will. Plus, I have to pay the lawyer.
Since the A was picked up and thrown in jail, I have walked around in a fog of relief. Very little energy, just sort of limp with relief. Some anger toward him, but not a lot.
Yesterday, after I heard that his truck was run into the ground by the tweaker/drunks my A was hanging out with, and was involved in an accident that hurt a pregnant woman, I found myself enraged. It was a cold kind of rage, not all hot and explosive.
I'm thinking it is more of a delayed reaction than anything. Some of the stuff I posted on yesterday's thread shocks me about myself. I still feel my hands going into claws to scratch his eyes out. I still need to do some physical labor today to burn it off.
But the anger is an energy source, it motivated me to delve deeply into what he's been doing, which I refused to do before. I have to see what he's done so I can adapt my ways to accomodate my "new" and improved lifestyle.
In all honesty, I am at least as angry with myself. By the time I woke up back in January of this year, and realized this aircraft was in a nose dive, it was already too late. I may have saved a few thousand dollars, not much considering what we started with. So in essense, I've got a picture of how sick I've been being with an alcoholic/addict. For what it's worth, it sort of does have me feeling a little more compassionate with myself.
I managed to get through two bank statements last night. I got as far as I could. I was starting to curse and see red. But at least I know what's there, the pattern. It won't be a terrible shock when I get back to work on them today.
In conclusion: I knew that this is what would happen, and felt and was powerless to stop it. At the same time, I couldn't believe he would REALLY destroy our retirement and our finances the way he has, I really thought better of him than that. My greatest crime was trusting him, which I did up until yesterday.
Isn't that crazy? I DID trust him with my life. I DID trust him, period. He's my husband. Why wouldn't I?
I'm living to regret that. I'm 42 years old going on 13. He screwed me. Bad. There's no getting around that truth. And my part in it? An ill placed trust. I should have known. Umm . . . I did know, but didn't want to know.
Sorry about the disjointedness, but thanks for listening anyway. I'll have a meeting tonight, which I am very much looking forward to.
Hey Kim65 - I am guilty of the same things as you. Misplacing my trust. I am still doing it, sadly. I don't trust my AH 100% but I refuse to believe that he would take from me any more than he already has. Even though every day he proves to me that he does take from me without concern. In simple non-chalant sort of ways - eating up all of my groceries, needing gas money, using up my electric & water...all of this w/out any regard to how it will effect my wallet. All of this without following through on his promises to get me money. I am a fool to trust that he will eventually start giving me money. I am just a plain ol' fool.
I too had to start over, all that we worked hard for, gone. Yet I am still supporting his dead weight and can't figure out why. I have blinders on. I reckon as long as it is a good day and things are pleasant at home, I continue to live in this lie that all will be ok some day. It almost makes me wish he would be mean and hateful all of the time.....that would make it easier for me to turn my back on him. But he is sweet and charming MOST of the time. That makes it harder for me.
And when he was in jail for a week.....wow....I felt freedom! I almost wish he'd go back there. It would kill him. He is not the type of man to be locked up. Not that any man is but for him, it seemed to cause the anger to grow 2 fold. Maybe he just didn't sit in there long enough, who knows. All I do know is when he was in there, I knew exactly where he was and knew he wasn't going to just show up at my door, or just disappear. I could go on with my life, do what I needed and wanted - no worries - well at least about him. Isn't that sad....that I wish him back in jail just for my own freedoms. Very selfish of me.
Eh, anyway, I've rambled. Take it easy on yourself. Pace yourself w/those statements. You'll get through this and you come out a stronger healthier person in the end. Good Luck. Stay Strong. Sincerely, QOD
It really is a shame that there are those of us who trust so easily and get stepped on time and time again. Especially when it is by someone whom we love.
Trusting people is NOT a bad thing, it is a wonderful quality that helps make you a wonderful person. People who abuse our trust, well, how can I say this nicely.... they are s***heads.
In Al Anon I do my best to share my E. I am a real supporter of having my own money, vehicle, home etc. That if anything happens to the A I am not lost out of anything but the A. Which is bad enough.
I am sure, had you known you would have done the same. I almost lost everything too. Kim I could sign my name and get money, pickups, jeeps, etc. Now I have to go to those stupid loan things.... His disease ruined my credit big time.
I have gone hungry becuz of it. So hon I relate.
You are young and healthy so you can get yourself picked back up again. I have great faith in you. And yes we walk around for awhile all confused and feeling like, "what the heck was all that??"
I wish I could work some. SSd and retirement is not enough, I am so tired of owing people I care about money. My dentist for example.
I am sad your A is so sick, even ruined your truck.
but I know you can let all that go and get into your farm. I do my best to look at my view, the trees, the solitude.
You can get your satellite just your local stations if you can afford that. I went a very long time with dvd's and vhs movies, and did you know you can watch all kinds of stuff on your computer? I loved that. I could watch star trek ng all day! and everybody loves raymond....(c:
Maybe you could take in a room mate. How big is your home? Is there a way to make it two separate areas sortof?
How many acres do you have? I am packing up Estersue and Fannie and all and heading there....
Keep us posted. Hey I never got the pictures!!!! ????
you know, one of the reasons I keep posting "the denial cloud is lifting again" is because of what you're describing. It makes me crazy. Why couldn't I have seen this? How could I have missed that? That's why I remember always the clinical definition of denial: a protection measure for an individual until they can handle the truth of whatever situation they are facing. I had to live in denial until I was mature enough and stable enough to handle the truth. I can handle it now. All of it. Painful as it is. I'm glad you're posting. I'm sorry you're hurting. Please don't quit. I'm so glad you're here.
Time to be gentle with yourself. Love yourself as we love you. Might help to take a blankie out to one of your grassy spots; lay it out, go over to another spot, throw the best tantrum you can and then come back to the blankie and lay down and look up at all that beauty you have no control over. Let HP entertain you for a while and whisper to your heart, "This too will pass." It always does. Don't fall asleep too long and miss your meeting.
Here are some ((((hugs)))) for you and your heart.
Just wanted to send you a big (((((Hug))))) Taking off the blinders and facing what is real can be just sickening. There are days I still stand on my deck and scream to my HP that I just can't believe what has gone on. I just shake my head.
Let it soak in a little at a time and always remember, that for whatever reason, you weren't ready to deal with what was going on until now. So today is the day that you have the strength to deal with it -- it's kind of like Alanon, how many people have said I wished that I had come in the doors sooner -- but we all know that we get there exactly when we are suppose to. So it is with this. Wishing that you'd have taken care of some of this earlier is useless.....because for whatever reason it just wasn't possible until today.
LOL Jerry, if I lay down outside on a blanket, sleep will not be a problem. 3 dogs, 11 goat babies and the goslings will all be fighting over who gets to crawl, nibble or lie next to me. They sure do make me forget stuff for a while. The farm is a constant, and the A and his drama are passing, so thank you for your words :) .
When I think about it, I was not ready to get honest with myself about what the A was doing to the finances. In fact, I avoided looking at all. I believed I would scream and lose my mind and there he would be on the couch, the perfect target. It was like watching a FUBAR unfold before my eyes, and not being able to stop it. I think about Elie Weisel and other survivors of terrible situations, beyond worse than mine. You stop "looking" because you don't want to see. You just want to get on with your day, survive the day, and possibly enjoy some parts of it too.
I see how I was just trying to survive day to day. It takes all of your energy sometimes, as we who love A's already know. There was no possibility for this relationship to survive, and the more I pulled away and let him go, the worse his using got instead of him waking up and getting a grip. He was more irritable, more provocative than ever, while admitting he used because he was afraid he'd lose me. It was MY responsibility (according to him) to start sleeping with him and be a wife again, if only I would, then he wouldn't "need" to go out and use.
Since I never for one second fell for that one, it was just a matter of time and endurance.
Deb: He ruined HIS truck. It is impounded an on a police hold for the county where the accident with the pregnant woman happened. My name is not on the truck TG. Insurance will probably not pay for any claims she makes, and the lawyer and I have plans to protect my interests.
I am looking around at what has been saved rather than lost. I look at what the A has lost. Prison, which is likely, is his worst nightmare. And whether he is or is not the type to deal with jail or prison is something he should have thought about a long time ago. I don't have it in me to wish him well, but in brief moments I pray for him, if nothing but to relieve myself of the anger and prevent resentment.
I always feel so much better after posting and getting your responses. You guys rock. I'm starting a Hug Bank, and have some of these hugs set aside for later :) .
Just popping in to make a deposit at your Hug Bank ((((((((((((Kim))))))))))). Gotta love them animals... I'm the same way, when I feel down I go outside and talk with my hens and Mr. Gobbles. Just got 3 more chicks which I needed like a hole in the head, but gosh they were just so cute, ya know? LOL Saw the pics you posted a while back of your brand new babies (kids) and was sitting here going "ooooohhh, I want one!!!" Made me miss the days when I was working on the sheep ranch... for about a minute. LOL (They raised them for research so the living conditions were awful - that's why I ended up leaving there.)
Keep on keeping on! ((((((((((((Kim)))))))))))
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
Reality sure does bite at times. Wanted to send hugs your way, let you know that you are in my thoughts.
I like Jerry's idea even with the menagerie.
Take care of you, don't judge yourself too harshly. Mistakes are just that, mistakes. Some may take a bit longer than others to dig ourselves out of but it sure sounds like you have all the right stuff.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Well, guys, some positive news on a non-alcoholic front: my last pregnant goat kidded today with triplets, two boys and a girl. She was one of the does who got into the grain, and was very ill for a week, but she and her three babies are doing great.
So total goat babies: 14, 9 boys and 5 girls. It's been a 'boy year' for a lot of other goat owners, too.
I'm whupped. I took away the girl and then she rejected one of the boys, so now I have two goat babies in the house. All done for the year. Nowz the time to make some cheese.
I am grateful I'm not beating myself up. In some ways, it was enough to stay sane(r), and money is not everything. After reflection and feedback from others, I am not destitute :D. It's going to be OK. Everyday, I've been waking up in the best mood, sad to say, mostly because the A is gone. I was getting my life back anyway because of this program and you folks, but without the burden of the A, it will be so much easier.
