The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Has anyone any insight into watching your loved A hit his bottom? It is everything I can do to stand true to my boundaries; 1/that we can not talk on the phone when he is drunk and 2/ more importantly that he needs to be sober for 30 days and then we can get together. He has been drinking non-stop (binging) for the past 2+ weeks. I don't know what his bottom will be and will not rescue him by picking up the phone or running over to convince him to get help. I've done that before and it doesn't help, just makes me resentful when he doesn't embrace recovery and his drinking continues.
He has definitely hit my level of discomfort and where my bottom would be but I know I need to give him the dignity of his own. So hard to watch and sometimes so afraid for him. God's will, not mine, be done.
Letting someone bottom out is brutal. The best thing I can tell you is during this time to go the extra mile for you. If there is something you know you can do for you, do it. If there is something you think you can do for you, do it. If there is something you might do for you, do it.
I watched my husband hit bottom a few years ago - it was terrifying. But, I knew at that point there was nothing I could say or do to end the insanity. Plus, I was actually glad to have him out of our house, away from our kids. It seemed to calm everyone down not having him around. His alcoholism and addiction turned into a full fleged crack addiction that took over him completely.
The best thing I did during that time was NOT think about what he was doing, or going through. I only thought about my needs, and my children's needs. Absolutely took things one day at a time, and accepted whatever fate his HP had for us, for him. And that was before I had found Al-anon. I did it on instinct. I joined our local Alanon after he spent a month and a half in our local mental ward, and then rehab. I've been involved with Alanon for two years now, and it has saved my sanity. Get the support you need and deserve during this time - for you. God bless!
I have a 29 year old daughter who still hasn't hit bottom. She OD'd on prescription drugs in front of her children over a year ago. She was rushed by ambulance to a major medical center, unresponsive. 48 hours later she was cut loose from the psych ward, only to go back to the same old same old. She's lost custody of the kids, thank God. She lives like a gypsy, finds some sucker to take her in, gets kicked out, moves on again. She is in jail...again.
I have been on both sides of the fence, and this coming August, I will have 17 years sober and clean.
My parents' prayers were answered, but in God's time, not theirs.
I had to hit a bottom, and I have to allow my daughter that same right without interference.
When I look back, those things that seemed like the worst possible circumstances at the time were blessings in disguise.
I wasn't ready to truly surrender till I was face down in the dirt with no one to pick me up.
I believe God has a plan for each and every one of us, and I have faith his plan is in the works for my daughter.
I can't change the past, I don't know what the future holds. All I can do is embrace today and be the best person that I can. I have to put my own recovery first and foremost, and with that properly in place, I can get through anything.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
It is heart wrenching and terrifying to watch people you love slowly self destruct. In this situation I need to take care of me. There is nothing that I can do or say that is going to stop her now. I know that.
So, for me, I stay away from it and don't want it in my house. Yes, come visit if you are sober. If you have had any alcohol then you need to stay away. It is hard.
Take the best care of yourself. Keep coming back and reaching out.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Twinkie, I do not know if this is really a "bottom" because it is nothing compared to the stories of so many others. However, we were at a softball tournament last summer, one of those 24 hours a day for charity dealies. It started on Friday night and I went to the first couple of games, but did not stay to watch the post game getting shitfaced. I went back for a couple of games on Saturday, and my AH got into it with first the umpire, (normal at a sporting event for there to one hot-head, right?) then a guy from the other team (nicely shouting profanities back and forth in front of everyone and their children) and culminates his special performance by telling a Chief Master Sgt to piss off.
Now here is the part I am proud of. While all this was going on, all these people kept looking from me to my H, expecting ME to do something. LIKE WHAT??? So I just sat there. Eventually, I did say "one of you will have to shut him up, because I can't." Then my H storms off to his truck, by now he has the base police watching him and a young lady, about 18, says to me "You can't let him drive. He hasn't stopped." I wanted so badly to say "You mean since Friday night, or since 1999?" Good lord, child, tell something I don't know, bless her well meaning heart. And again, they all wait for me to intervene. Again I do nothing. Somebody says, "Michelle..." and I say "If you all want to stop him, go ahead. I can't. I am staying right here." And so they went. And I stayed.
Now, like i said, it is nothing compared to so many others stories. However, it was the event that got him into treatment, as he was called on the commander's carpet the next workday. With no if's and's or buts, he was told he would be going to the hospital for an alcoholism eval. and he would be taking the recommended steps. The base docs recommended inpatient treatment, so he went. He was humiliated over his actions, especially when our 9 year old daughter told him he hadn't been a very good sport and he was letting his team down. (he was banned from playing in the rest of the tourney) I hope it was his bottom, because I cannot stay around and do it all again.
I left my Abf six months ago. At this stage I could take no more of the constant disappearing acts and binges, and all that goes with it. That was just what I had to do. Everybody will have their own limits as to what thay can cope with.
Now six months on, we do not have contact anymore. Last I heard was he was constantly drinking. It was hard to accept there was nothing I could do.
I believe the Awill do what he wants - regardless of what we say or do. And if he is going to get sober he will do it with or without me. That's what I learned. I then had to decide what to do for me.
I hope you find the strength to decide what's best for you. You are in my prayers. Blessings, AM
I know exactly what you are going through. It is one of the hardest things we do. It is heartbreaking, frustrating and every other emotion you can imagine. But along with those emotions, there are also lessons of love, compassion, detachment and empowerment.
What we think should be their rock bottom is often very different from theirs. The only way they get better is by hitting their bottom sometimes more than once. It has to be his choice. That's the only way they truly get better. He has to find something, someone, anything to keep him sober.
You're doing really well with your recovery. Keep doing that. When it gets tough, go back to step 1: powerless over alcohol. Remember the 3Cs. You're life can't stop because of his disease. Your recovery is a choice too. You choose not to die for his disease. All you can do is turn him over to his HP and hope he finds his way back.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
