The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am on the merry-go-round again with my wife. I have a very needy program that I have been battling for a long time. "Poor me" has always worked well, but seems to morphing into defensiveness and anger when I choose to not do it that way.
It started out with me having an expectation that she would be home at the time she said she would (I know that almost never happens). But I let my expectations get the better of me and then got angry when she said she would be late. I get sooooo impatient. Now, the conflict we had the rest of the weekend is a result of me not being willing to get past this.
She, of course, is telling me all the things I could have done differently, and owns none of what happened. I am stuck with only being able to acknowledge that I would love to be the person who doesn't take things personally and just be kind and gentle - and I am not that person.
Sorry for rambling on about this, I just feel rather stuck and I am tired of saying I am sorry.
One of the things that always saved my you know what was teh telephone. "Could you call when you're leaving wherever you're at? Just to tell me you're on your way? I'd really appreciate it." I think theres a boundry between neediness and obsessiveness. You'll know if you've gotten ther. Promise.
It's a bummer when people don't do what they say they are going to do and it's even worse when we are expecting them to follow thru with it.
Seems to me there are a couple of things here you could ask yourself -- first is, am I setting myself up by expecting something that I know from past experience isn't going to happen? Since you say she rarely arrives on time, you kind of know that this is her pattern. Also, can you make her take responsiblity for it? probably not. So what do you do? Accept it as part of who she is.
Quit being sorry, you don't need to be. There are times when we need people to do what they say they are going to do. In those case, well, I'd say just about anyone would want to blow off steam. This is also where you have to ask yourself how important is it in the grand scheme of things. Her arriving late -- did it prevent you from going somewhere, doing something? or did it just irk you? If you were prevent from going somewhere because of her being late and it causes you to resent it, well go without her. Sound cold but it's part of taking care of yourself to not put yourself on hold for another who repeatly prevents you from participating in thing you have planned.
Here is something that I use to do, I'd start getting pissed off before I ever knew my Ah was going to be late.....cause down deep I did know. So I started feeding that resentment WAY before I got the "I'm going to be late call" Sick huh? You see I had to take responiblity for my own peace and happiness. Hanging on to that resentment and anger ruined a lot of days for me. Kind of had to ask myself how important was it....my peace was very important.
Accepting that this is part of who your wife is, is the biggest thing that you can do to help yourself emotionally detach. The second thing is doing things for yourself without waiting if you need to. Don't miss out because she's late. And remember that we are responsible for our own peace/happiness....we give it a way if we say "I'd be okay/happy if they would ....."
I hate being late. I have friends who are always late for everything and they think nothing of it, it is how they live their lives.
I had to decide to either stop inviting them to anything or figure out a way to deal with it so I didn't end up all bent out of shape. It sure as hell doesn't bother them any.
Now if I need them to be somewhere for six I tell them to be there at five. So far it seems to be working.
lilms
__________________
Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
When I feel this way, I always go back to Step 1. I remember what brought me here in the first place. I also remind myself that my recovery is about me and for me, regardless if my A recovers or not. It's about taking back my life. Living my life that is best for me. Living the life I deserve.
We all slip in recovery. It's a good thing that I have lots of padding back there! The beauty of recovery is that we get to start it all over again at any point in the day. Don't beat yourself up. Just start again, again and again like so many of have. You're on the right path.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thank you all for your feedback. Another insight that I am getting out of this is MY need to control the outcome. In this case it did not end up really making a difference whether we left when we said we would, in fact EVERYONE was late! So it boils down to me having an expectation and then getting bent out of shape (being right) when it didn't happen the way I thought it should.
On the otherhand, my wife is now on the let's point out everything that Bill does or doesn't do that annoys her. Maybe she has the right, since I was being all resentful and righteous over the weekend, but I am getting defensive and that never works.
Tired of playing this game with her - I know I have faults and I am willing to look at them and work on them, and I just want to get to a place where I am not at the effect of her stuff.
