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I'm back from a week of Girl Scout camp-- bug bites, sunburn and a serious case of hat head LOL. It was a good week. I've worked camp the last 6 yrs. and love it -- it gives me a lot of joy.
Anyhow, I wish I could go on and on about how good life is, only it isn't. I'm so flipping frustrated. Okay, first off my last post, lol, really I laugh at myself, mentioned how my A wanted to get together -- well lets just say he must have been having a black out when he said what he said cause he is now someone totally different.
He's not come by to see the kids in a while, I know he's working a lot of hours but that's not all of it. He called tonight to say he wasn't coming, yesterday he'd been out at a family celebration and he mentioned how one of his brothers got totally smashed. All 5 are A's -- only this one knew, he stood up for me to their mother. The only one brave enough to flat out tell my mother-in-law they were ALL A's. This brother in law once told me if he'd ever got into that stuff again it would be all over him in a minute. He knew, but is now drinking again. I told my A I was really sorry to hear it. My A actually said maybe I should write him a letter....I love Alanon. I just told my A, that we all know our own truths, that his brother knew the truth and it wasn't for me to write him about it. I'm still so sad about it -- he was the one person in that crazy family that wasn't drowning in Alcohol or denial -- he knew the truth.
So what I proceed to do next just blows me away. How come I know there is nothing that I can say or do to change my brother-in-law but I pulled out the big guns on my AH??? While working camp the volunteers who have sons get to bring them and group them in the Tags, so my son was there (my daughter was with a Jr group) and so was another boy -- my Ah happens to see this boy's father pretty regularlly. So Friday this boy, the same age as my son, tells me how I have wierd kids, I laughed cause we were doing Scouts Own and everyone was, I just told this kids well if they weren't weird then they weren't mine LOL.
What he said next bugged me for the rest of the day. He says my Ah is REALLY weird, that he's like Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Carribean and then pretends to walk drunk. Well you can only guess that he also told this to my son, who tells it to both his sister and myself when we get home Friday night.
I was so pissed off. I know I can't protect my kids. It's just the first time that they have been confronted by his Aism away from him. So guess what I did. I told my A this story. Yes, I knew it was useless. I knew and I did it anyhow. I was just so pissed off at him. And ya know what, it didn't make me feel a damn bit better --- what I got to hear was how he's not a curb-wino and doesn't drink on the job. That the kids know he drinks and that this kid has never seen him stumbling around. Excuses, justification, and denial.
Why is it that we have to say something, when we know it just doesn't matter, it doesn't change anything and it only makes us madder. It's that same brick wall, ya think I'd stop banging my head against it. When it comes to the kids -- I just come unglued. I know that I just added a bucket load guilt onto my A --that they carry their own guilt and shame --well the worst part is, is I didn't want him to get away with not carring that bucket, he deserves that bucket -- he's earned it.
Aloha Luna!! The short of it is that we always have opportunities to make choices. Sometimes we make great ones. Other times we muck it up much better than the alcoholic does. T H E N...we gotta go on hopefully from an honest apology to those we hurt and were dishonest with in words or actions. Run back to HP. Run back to sponsor or someone else when sponsor is not available. Run back to family aaaaahhh you're already here.
The definition of insanity is???? Doing the same things over and over again expecting different results. (Memorize and repeat over and over in between choice making.)
Cut yourself a break. You were pissed. I'd be pissed. You felt those feelings and then tried to get them out of your head. You are working it.
Maybe, now, you can turn from it -- are you sick and tired of those feelings? is it time to "turn it over"? perhaps, perhaps not.
I've come to the realization that I am a human. I get mad. I get frustrated. I want justice. I want fairness. That another boy made such a mockery of your AH highlights the truth. Your kids are being affected by alcoholism, and it is not fair or just. Your Ah is in denial and it is not fair, just or sane. And just to poke a bruised rib, someone you had a bit of faith in fell off his wagon. I would be frustrated, too.
You have the tools to work this... you said you need a meeting... go get it!!!
much love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I was sitting in a meeting the other night saying how badly I wanted to go off on my A. Someone else replied " Sounds like a good idea except I have never told anyone off and had them reply ' You are SO right! I am going to change that behavior RIGHT NOW! Thanks for telling me!' " I laughed so hard! I guess he's right but at the same time, I can't help myself sometimes. I mean, especially when it comes to the kids I always thought we shared. And the fact is, if some little kid said to my ex or my kid" your mom is so wierd, she's bald and sick all the time and she dresses wierd." I would imagine that should be shared with me, it's an experience the kids had and I would want to know. I deserve to know.
As far as how you handled the obnoxious kid, I am impressed. I think I would not have been so caring or kind to a kid who hurt my kid. I know I would have said " Well, that was a very rude and hurtful thing to say. It if you have nothing nice to say, then don't speak. Imagine how you would feel if I said your dad was lazy, smelly, and stupid? That would hurt your feelings right? Right. So, next time think of others and their feelings before you speak." It takes a village right? And sometimes the village has to vote off the mean people....kids included. LOL!
WHY? Because we're human! There's this funny physical attachment to to our bodies called a mouth and vocal cords. Trust me there are time when I consider myself a Howler Monkey! Don't beat yourself up on this. You've had a wonderful week, relish in that. I'm sorry the kids had to face this. But keep in mind, it really isn't the first time they've dealt with this. They've lived with it a long time. But they've got you as a good example and with the patience, humor and love you shower them with, they will come out the other side.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty (who has really bad hat hair all summer long! Me, not the cat!)
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It is an imulsive action. One we have to fight all of the time. I know when my AH came waltzing into the house Sunday morning after staying gone all day Saturday and Saturday night that I just wanted to reem him out. But I didn't. I quietly waited for him to offer an explanation, an apology - something. I got nothing. So I quietly asked him if there was any explanation as to where he had been, what he had been doing? All he gave me was the he was stupid and immature. THAT WAS IT!! I wanted to lose it on him BUT I DIDN'T.
That was my control kicking in. What would the outcome have been had I screamed and yelled at him, jumped up and down and just lost control? Nothing except for a horrible scene for the kids to witness. I would not have felt any better, he would not have given me any other answer and worse than that, the poor kids would have had to endure that on top of having to deal with a father who can't stay away from drinking and drugging. It is a pitiful shame. One I am tired of and fixing to toss in the towel on.
Good luck to you on this. I too try to protect my kids from the whole A'ism but we can only do so much. I guess more than protect them from it, we need to teach them the proper tools needed to deal with it and hopefully they will learn to not get involved in the alcohol and drugs when they get older.
Just a quick note to let you know I believe a lot of us have been where you were when you "spoke up". I know I have! At the time, I felt if I didn't say something, I was going to explode! Just letting it out felt better, not that it changed anything. Now that I have found this site, instead of venting to him (my H, my A), I vent here. A wise friend once told me "feeling aren't right or wrong, they just are". It's OK - don't beat yourself up about it.
(((luna)))- I think you should stop beating yourself up over this. What is the alternative? Stuffing your feelings back in or taking it out on your kids or on a mouthy kid who maybe made an accurate observation? I have a bit of a different perspective on this. I don't think that you should withhold that kid's hurtful observation from your H. I believe part of their denial is that they honestly don't think anyone notices that they are drunk or high or not participating. Pointing out that someone notices might be only one drop in the bucket to wash away denial-- in my humble opinion. Will it change him? probably not-- but it may be food for thought in the future. An example from my house- my AH would go out to his car to smoke pot. The smell of that care was outrageous-- it was Woodstock on 4 wheels. (and he feebly tried to cover the odor with one of those pine treee airfreshners). One of my son's friends said "your dad's car smells cool" one day when he gave them a ride. I told my H what the kid said. I tried to say it very matter of factly--- just an observation. I agree that it is very Non-alanon to say it with blaming.
Your life sounds similar to my own. I went to GS camp last month. It is nice to get away with the kids and away from the AH. peace- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Don't beat yourself up on this. You've had a wonderful week, relish in that. 
(who has really bad hat hair all summer long! Me, not the cat!)
