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I could use some ESH. My A is a binger and for the past year whenever he drank,we always called them relapses. Truth is, it is and has always been his addiction as he has not embraced a recovery program. Having come out of my denial and hit my bottom with our interaction and my sickness to "get him healthy", I finally started practicing detachment. I was doing a great job at it and getting very healthy. Then he got worse and feel into a deep binge. He's been drinking non-stop for 3 weeks and has called the paramedics himself and been in detox twice now, only to return home and start drinking.
Throughout this time, I keep reiterating the same message. Without recovery we can not have a relationship and have stayed away from him. I've tried to not take his calls when he's been drinking and when he is sober have told him I love him on many occasions and I am sorry to see him struggle.
I've been doing ok until the past few days. I find some old behaviors creeping in. I now feel guilty for not being with him when he returns from the hospital so he wouldn't be alone. But without recovery, this relationship doesn't work. I finally told him yesterday that I need him to be sober for 30 days and then we can get together. But today I stopped to see him and picked up his call this evening even though he was drunk. I'm not perfect and my grieving is causing me to slip back and lose my serenity. I am feeling my own sad feelings of loss. I have no idea if he'll make it or not and I get very very sad. I love this man and want so badly for us to have a relationship yet I know it won't work unless he too chooses recovery. It is so hard to say goodbye. I pray he finds the strength to move ahead but only he and his HP know that. I pray I too can find the strength to stick to my 30 day rule and not give in to this disease, because I get worse when I do so.
Thanks for any insight, ESH, you can give me. God bless us all.
my heart goes out to you in that horrid situation. truth is, the majority of alcoholics cannot control the addiction or even find recovery. it is heartbreaking to see our loved ones do this to themselves, and it does require us to grieve for the relationship we lose.
i've heard a lot of positive feedback from those that have been able to get a copy of the new CAL book (the title escapes me). anyhow, i believe you are clear in your thoughts and path, which sounds very strong. it sounds like you know that Aism is a progressive, FATAL disease, and that your man may be heading down a dim path. sometimes, the most we can do is not sink with the ship. that doesn't mean not to love or have compassion, but to detach (as you stated) and focus your attention on the path of your recovery.
my heart goes out to you with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Twinkle personly I think you are doing exactly the right thing for both of you, it's not easy by any means, but how I wish I had had your insight many years ago, your actions are loving and kind, stay strong.
Sounds as if you are doing exactly what you need to be doing for YOU. Keep up the good work, you can find recovery and happiness for yourself , whether he keeps on drinking or not. He will find the help he needs when "he" is ready, and no matter what we say or do , it will not aid in his recovery any quicker. So for now taking care of yourself is first and foremost. I spent years trying to get my A husband to stop drinking. I did every thing humanly possible in that respect, only to lose myself , my self worth, my self esteem, and my mind and soul. Was it worth it? No! But at that time when I was in my chaotic insanity within myself I thought so. I look back now and see clearly how I wasted all those years, worrying, wondering, crying, begging , pleading, etc. etc. And in the end, he still drank , and I got sicker and sicker to the point where I didnt know myself anymore. I still and will always love him, but I couldnt live like that anymore and now he is gone. To give up 33 years together was the hardest thing to do, however I have peace now, and I smile and laugh again, and I can enjoy this one time chance at life as I can have it. We have choices and so many of us seem to forget that. The question I ask you is do you want to keep living like this?
My A is a binger/alcoholic addict, and just reading your post made my stomach sink, but then you describe how you're handling it and I say BRAVO!!
My A is in jail now, finally 'stopped' by the law, not by me unless you count my disclosure of his er, drug use history to the narcotic detective.
The binge cycle wreaks a different kind of havoc than the constant drunkenness. Since I only have 'appreciation' for the binge style, I can only say Oh gosh, do I relate. It is unbearable, and your head is so clear that using the Alanon program MUST work!
The coming home all sorry, bedraggled, sick, filthy and exhausted, the genuine desire on his part to be DONE with all the antics and drug use . . . then they sleep and eat and viola, back out again.
My very human response to this was to find myself fantasizing his death just so it would ALL STOP. It's only been a week for me since the A was "stopped", and I feel such relief, my energy is coming back, my hope and my life.
I couldn't get my A to leave, he just kept coming home again no matter my desires so I moved upstairs. I was afraid to call the sheriff because what if they could do nothing? I was afraid of what he would do to me. I run a small farm and will not leave the animals. So I chose to wait, and often wondered how long a body could endure this hell.
Now, I don't have to start it all back up unless I choose to. I choose not to. I don't go too far into why, how or what for. It's too soon. The decision is black and white and that's it, I'm done and can't live with someone who might do this again no matter the love I feel for him. Love is definitely not enough.
Thank you for sharing, like I said, reading your post hit so close to home, and I am not alone in my experiences either.
It sounds as though you are doing a great job of setting boundaries for yourself and communicating them clearly to your A. As for your own "relapses," be gentle with yourself. You are not perfect, nor are you supposed to be. This is a program of "progress, not perfection." Keep the focus on YOU and keep coming back.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Recovery, to me, is not like a traintrack with one straight line going on and on in a progressive direction. Instead, it reminds me of the cloverleaf turns and on ramps of highways. You take the wrong turn, you learn that's not the exit you want, but only because you took the wrong turn. You get a speeding ticket in a speed trap, you learn not to speed in the trap again, but only because it's a speed trap. In recovery, we are garenteed the opportunity to repeat our mistakes until we learn from them and implement the lesson in our recovery and are able to share it with others. Example: a woman said "I felt so horrible about how I behaved as a wife before recovery. I spent the next 10 years in and out of relationships that were punishing, abusive, demeaning, and negative as a way of reminding me of how horrible a wife I was exactly. To this day, I have no idea why I thought I needed to treat myself that way, be in those relationships, or be around men that I knew from the instant I met them they were bad news. The bottom line was that I felt so bad about how I had treated my husband when we were married I let my guilt be the instigator for bad relationships." Until she learned the lesson, however, she kept repeating the mistake. It took her 10 years. Untill you learn from the mistake, just like until I learn from my mistakes, and everyone else here, we will find new opportunities to learn. New and different opportunities. And even when we do learn our lessons, we will be challenged in HOW we apply these lessons. If we are growing in spiritually, we will realize that the "old" lessons are going to always be applied in new and different ways. I promise.
Aloha Twinkie!! Here is some ESH. When I found myself slipping back I got a sponsor that I could grab on to and a home group in Al-Anon and tons of phone numbers from that group that I could keep in contact with and therefore keep rein on my own heart and head.
You have awareness and the disease doesn't care about your awareness. It sweeps people away even when they seem the strongest. The goal of this disease is to get you alone, get you sick and tired and then try to finish you off. It does the samething with the alcoholic. My alcoholic was a binger also...God what a crazy insane roller coaster ride that is. When I took my own personal hope for serenity and peace of soul and mind off of her shoulders and into this program and followed as many suggestions as I could from those more experienced than I; my life started to change for the better. She continued to binge.
Mutual programs sounds like a dream and I guess it is possible. Reality is this program is my program and God is given everything else including my efforts.
Grieving loss is perfectly normal. Make sure it isn't self pity! Grieving can be balanced out if you also celebrate the good times and things also. I forced myself to do that upon the suggestion of my sponsor and you'd be surprised how much sadness that can lift from your soul. It ain't/wasn't all bad!!
Also this might be of some help also. Get out of yesterday and tomorrow. Get only into the moment. Yesterday contains regrets and remorse and resentments and tomorrow contains depression, loss of hope and endless dread. It is only in today this moment that we have the opportunity to reality of the Serenity Prayer; (Serenity to accept, courage to change and wisdom to understand).
Well twinkie i understand your dilema , u have two choices as I see it ,rescue him one more time or allow him the dignity to hit his bottom . been there it's not easy . thinking of you Love Louise
