The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A little history---39 year old husband struggling with addiction for 2 years. In and out of sobriety for 2 years. Presently dealing with some serious legal consequences. I found this today---I haven't heard from him since yesterday at 5p. Here goes...
It's at these times that I truly believe that I am 2 different people living 2 different lives. While inone life it's hardo think about the other. I'm still tying to comprehend is tht moment of crossover. When and why. When I go from Ward (Cleaver) to party monster with a quantified addiction. Not to say Ward doesn't have issues. I mean what is it? Could it be the moon..the stars or remnants of a DJ's beat parked inside my head? Maybe a little bit of each. Someone once said to me just be who you are and let you be you. But who the xxxx are you? So the real you has got to step up and make a choice. It seems so obviously easy and yet so ridiculously hard. That, my friends, is addiction. I crave that adrenaline rush that comes with the anticpation of the moment more than the drugs themselves...or is it just the drugs? Sometimes I'm not sure. As the anticipation high can sometimes superceed the actual high. That may seem hard to believe to most non addicts. But the rest of you know what I mean.
Trying to capture a moment or a feeling that is gone forever never to be had again as hard as you might try over and over again. Occasionally you might get a glimmer. But the odds are you will be less than successful. Not to say you won't try. Here comes that beat again and you feel yurself sliding in your mind to another lost weekend. At that moment you blink and you realize 2 beautiful children are your responsibility and at the heartof your soul, then the beat again.
These children are as real as it gets, never to be outshined, never to be left behind and always on your mind.
The sun goes down and that evening approaches and ever so subtlely you start to hear. And it gets louder and you already know you're gone. The preparations begin, however big or small, whether you have even admitted to yourself. The magnet is too close to the steel and the beat gets stronger and louder. It's at this point you know it can't be turned off. Hours of a daze slide by with beats strong and soft, high and low. Every class and race is represented here. This is America. This is Atlantic City.
Thena moment of clarity. You look around and see phonies, leeches and two faced addicts working every angle they can to go on. You realize you gave more of yourself than most deserved. Once again the beat takes over.
The sun sets again. Hours of anther haze go by. The group is ever changing. I'm not even sure who was here yesterday. YOu know it's happened again. The quagmire of your own making has arrived.
The beat is softer and mostly from your own lips, but still going. The end is near and the panic or the relief has arrived.
The feelings of this ride begin to subside with the turning of the ignition. Or do they. I'll let you know when I go.....
I wanted to share that with all of you. His struggle is real. Addiction hurts so many.....I think it's going to kill him mom to 2
PS Still haven't heard from him---it's over 48 hrs.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Wednesday 18th of March 2009 01:26:23 PM
it is sad. i grieve for my wife, often... she is a good person, just like many of the alcoholics we all write about. the good part of my today, is that i learned that i CAN grieve and then "turn it over" to my HP, so i can move on with my path.
love to you, keep coming back and sharing cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Ugh, that is a painful struggle! I know it is real. In my situation, it was much more real to ME than it was to my A. I spent a lot of time pointing out HIS pain and struggles with his disease, to absolutely no avail. But recognizing it as a terrible struggle for the A was an important part of my recovery. It highlights my A has a disease rather than is just a jerk, user and criminal.
And like CJ I sit here grieving for my A's life. I pray for him often, and right now it helps to keep the anger I feel from building up and blinding ME.
If anyone has read "Hannibal" they might remember something ole Hannibal Lecter said about Clarice Starling, comparing her to a kind of pigeon, the 'high rollers' and the 'low rollers'. My A in this case is a low roller (or was it deep roller :P), he seems to have no bottom, no depths to which he'd not go to pursue his addiction.
In a previous thread I started, I admitted I even wished he would just die and leave me alone. It's sobering to me to realize that is just as likely an outcome as the one that did happen, he's in jail. This disease kills and kills, it seems more often than recovery happens.
Thanks for posting this, it was very hard to read but illustrates your point well.
It's so weird. It's kind of hard to read but on the other hand it shows that he's not a bad person trying to hurt us. I do think there is a degree of weakness on his part and I don't think he tries hard enough to recover---but addiction is something I will never truly understand as I don't seem to have the gene to be addicted, except to ice cream.
He had been to court on Mon and got bad news--so his only solution to deal with that was to drink to hide from it. He's been doing pretty well with sobriety for a while now and I got very angry about Mon. He was depressed about it and also tried to get it together--went back to AA, did alot of work around the house. I worked Thursday and when I got home he had to go to physical therapy (recent shoulder surgery). He told me he had a meeting with attorney the next day at 9am and a doctor's appt at 11am--made sure I didn't have to work so the children were covered. He said I love you and I am truly sorry-- I said actions not words. He said I know, I know. I haven't heard from him since---nearly 72 hrs. I too sometimes think things would be easier if he would never come back. That's hard to admit. Also, I've asked him to move out-- he would be free to pursue his life however he chooses. He does not want to do that. That's kind of confusing for me---
I used to think that he didn't really love me because he seemed to choose alcohol over me. I don't think that anymore---it's not really a choice--it's an obsession. He love those children---he is the most attentive father, the most loving, and involved---the only father I know who has been to every birthday party we're invited to--even on football days. But when he's gone, he's truly gone. What's the answer?? I do not know anymore. I think outsiders think we are crazy to "put up with it." For me it's not about putting up with but about making the best choices for the children. At this point his income is a huge help and he's giving all the money to me. I am not quite financially independent but I could be if I worked full time. Not quite sure how he's funding this binge.
Anyway, thanks for listening. We're all in similar boats and I pray for each and every one of you. with love, mom to 2
