The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ex was working for this older, sick woman in the program. She came to love and trust him very,very much. She was similar to my mom in that she just leaves important things like credit cards laying around. I remember him telling me he found a pile of her credit cards like 25 of them that weren't expired. He asked her about it and she was like "oh, just leave them.....". Now here's my question, should I contact her by mail and give her a head's up as to what he has done to my mom? She also gave me a piece to sell in the auction of my father's stuff back in march and the money from that still hasn't come in so I haven't been able to give her that money. Or do I just leave it alone? I never met her in person. I don't know what my responsibility here is or my motive. I mean there is a huge part of me that wants everyone in the program to know what he has done. This woman was beyond kind to him, really accepted him as family and enabled him. But then again, if she were my mom or me, I would really want to know so that I could protect myself. Or not protect myself. From what he has probably told these people about me I might just come off confirming what he said....that I'm crazy, a liar, a trouble started, trying to mess with him and his perfect life, whatever. So, any ideas?
I think to answer that question you need to ask yourself if focusing on the things your alcoholic is doing is helping you? Is taking his inventory and focusing on the wrongs that he is doing helping you to live a better life? He's obviously not well recovered, but are you? As an Al-Anon member for many years, I learned a slogan early on in my recovery: "If you have one finger pointed towards the alcoholic, there are three pointed back at you." Many of the posts on this board complain about what the alcoholic is doing to them. And there is nothing wrong with feeling those feelings and being angry. But how does that help your recovery by hanging onto that anger and the victim thinking. Take care of yourself, focus on the good things that you are doing, stay in contact with your higher power, and you will get your answers.
SenoraBob
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Higher Power doesn't always wrap presents in pretty paper.
Whoa!! THis lady needs to know the story of your Mom's credit cards. Nowhere does AlAnon say we cannot help protect someone from the potentially felonious acts of an alcoholic. If I am wrong and it does, count me out!
Does it help you to tell this lady? It certainly SHOULD!! Not telling the unsuspecting lady is a travesty.
We cannot do anything about their drinking, but we sure as hell can help someone who might lose a lot of money and her good credit rating. Detachment gone amok. It just kills me.
Tell her!
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm with Diva on this one. It's obvious from your post that you are JUSTIFIABLY angry about what he has done. In my book,if it's the honorable thing for us to do to allow others the dignity to make their own choices,then this woman also deserves the same respect. In my very humble opinion,she has every right to know the situation,and then it's HER decision whether she acts on it or not.
Personally speaking...I would tell her,and allow her to then make her own choice to leave credit cards laying about.My conscience would be clear then,knowing that I had done my best to protect her and knowing that,if the worst happened,I wouldn't be the one bearing the guilt.
I agree with Diva,I didn't see anywhere in Alanon that we weren't supposed to be honourable citizens or share any info we know to be true,so long as it isn't done out of spite or malice. I don't see how this case could be justified as either of those motives.
I'm torn on this one. I think it is the right thing to do in contacting her. But it then begs the question: what about the next time and the time after that, and the time after that? At some point you will end up spending more time trying to help protect his "victims" rather than working on your recovery. So at what point do you say: "ENOUGH! Time to get on with my life. He's an adult and has choices to make." ? Bring it back to Step 1. POWERLESSNESS over him, his disease and the choices he makes.
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Here I go :D . . . if I took the Alanon injunction to not focus on the A to an extreme, I wouldn't have told the sheriff's office what he was actually doing and he'd be sitting on the couch right now watching Spike TV instead of facing the music in jail.
Maybe I am incorrect of whatever in my judgement of your situation Serendipity. But if I KNEW something about my A that would hurt another person, I'd want to do "my part" and inform that person so they could make an informed choice.
And like Karilynn says, this too can go to an extreme of focus on the A.
I can see myself, in my anger, warning EVERYONE that my A is a bad drug addict, don't trust him, hide your valuables. It's a fine matter of motivation. I'm probably getting too analytical here. But just in this case I think the woman in question deserves a warning. She is an innocent party.
THere are plenty of these conundrums in living with an A, isn't there???
I'm sorry for the anger and pain you feel for your Mom. My A once stole from my Mom too, it hurt worse than when he stole things from me.
This is a situation that must be a personal decision. What is going to make you feel good about yourself? We learn alot of coping skills thru Al Anon, sometimes conflicting ones. I've learned to not lie for my A, which in this case would mean telling. I've also learned I can only control myself, and am only responsible for my actions which could mean not telling.
If I were in this situation my first questions of myself would be ...
How will I feel if she does get violated in some way? How will I feel if I tell and appear to confirm everthing he may have said about me? What are the positives that would come from telling or not telling to my life ...
I'm quite sure I would overanalyze and dwell on this for awhile. Eventually the right answer comes though and right because it is best for you, not made in anger or control or any of the other reasons that may effect how I react to any situation.
Much love and another big hug, take care of yourself.
Kiddies, there is only ONE right answer to this one...If serendipity does not warm this innocent soul, she (seren) is as guilty as the addict. I cannot imagine not telling the lady. If this seems "anti-AlAnon" to some of you, you are misinterpreting the program. MHO.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm with diva on this one, it would be important to me not to let anyone be exploited if I coulc help and am about to fall out with a very close friend on an issue which is a little like this emotionally, perhaps this lady wont listen to you or want to know and while I know you are really annoyed and feel that this is because of it, I think you know that you got to try to do right to be right. I am not sure how you should go about it but I hope you get the right answers to this, he also does not have to stop if he is not caught at this and it is a serious crime,
I, too, would tell her. Ordinarily, I ask myself "is my name on it?" If it is, it's mine to deal with - if not, it's not mine." There are exceptions:
The program also teaches us wisdom, though, and just as I would help someone across the street if they needed it, this woman is a potential innocent victim unless someone tells her what could happen to her credit cards, etc.
I'd have a hard time living with myself if he took her cards.
For me, detachment is made in degrees according to who I'm detaching from.
I think you should tell her too. This lady should be aware of what he has done, and if she is an AA long-timer, she has probably encountered something like this before.
As far as "responsibility" goes, I think we have reached a point in our world where we have lost all sense of social responsibility. Think of it this way... if you watched a woman place her purse on a counter at Wal-Mart, then saw a person you knew was not with her take it..... would you say something? Same thing, as far as I'm concerned.
Tell her! who cares what the AA people think of you ? What other ppl think of you is not your problem right? Everyone knows that actions speak louder than words and his actions are going to land him in jail soon. Really I hope you set up a child support order~!
I would want to know if this were me. I go with tell her. There are things in life which we may not be directly responsible for but which we become complicit in by are action or lack of action.
lilms
-- Edited by lilms at 22:54, 2007-06-25
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
