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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> PLEASE HELP! I MESSED UP BAD!
Post Info TOPIC: PLEASE HELP! I MESSED UP BAD!
hippietrippiechick


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 169
Date:
PLEASE HELP! I MESSED UP BAD!
Permalink  

OMG! I need some help BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
You will not believe who is on my couch, asleep right now. 06.gifYup, my ex A. 34.gifHe and I were talking earlier last night, and I wanted him to find me a joint or something to help my physical pain, which is a whole other topic altogether, and my choice. 

 So, he showed up, bearing food -- 2 microwave dinners, and knows my micro is broken. 22.gif I don't know. We just started talking and BOOM, we were in my bed. 25.gifhump.gif

Earlier this week, his really drunk girlfriend fell over a chair and said she hurt her chest area. frustrated.gifI think it happened Mon. She went to the ER Thurs, and they had to keep her---collapsed lung. 20.gifomfg.gif
my A went to work that day anyway. I can't figure out what was going thru my mind. I slept all day yesterday, have been doing that for days. I am deeply depressed.15.gif All my dishes I own (almost) are dirty. 11.gifThe rest of the house is not bad.
Even while we were in the act, I was thinking about "why am I doing this."06.gifohmygod.gif
I bet you think really bad of me now. 26.gifI did tell him firmly that he will not share my bed tonight. 04.gifMy pillows do! I gave him the couch. You know how guys are after the act--most just fall asleep. So he got the couch!24.gif
After he got settled and asleep, I ran to the bathroom to take a second bath-VERY HOT. Plunged my head under the water, and raised up, with thoughts of guilt and regret. spin.gifCleaned myself all over again. At least that made me feel better some.disbelief.gif
I know when he leaves tomorrow I will be prompted to cry, as always. I will do my best to keep a stiff upper lip and just say, "see ya". ignore.gif But I know I may cry after he is gone. I don't know what I will do..I am so confused.
Making a doc apt Monday for sometime next week in order to be able to get tested for STD's. nod.gifI also need more samples of my Rozeram (sleep medicine she has me on, which, by the way, works great.)
God knows who else he has had besides this tramp. God bless her anyway. floating.gifHe said he talked to her on the phone but really got nowhere because she was drugged up on pain meds. sleepy.gifShe must really be suffering. sadangel.gifSuffering as well because who she believes as "HER MAN" hasn't even made one attempt to go see her. What a jerk. furious.gif
Not surprising though because the times I have been hospitalized, he barely ever came to see me either. He has been partying it up a great deal I am sure.beer.gif
I have to get this out.....censored.gif! censored.gif! What a fool I am. no.gifIt will never ever be like it was in the beginning with him, and here I am, with him asleep on my couch.
I have no idea what tomorrow holds in store. I know we are never guaranteed tomorrow.

Maybe I can get him to help me clean up some, but I strongly doubt it. He will be out as soon as the craving for a beer.gif hits him. He is pretty well aware I will not have that censored.gif going on here in MY HOME.
I know I am not the only fool who has let the ex alkie back in for "just one more time"
It's a fantasy, and not reality. He will leave and I will be left to myself again.
I am soooooo confused.confused.gif
Once, recently, he and his censored.gif came to my house. And then I remember well,  hearing him say, to both of us that he can't ever love any of you "censored.gif", and the only one he has ever loved was his wife. Also once on the phone being told he really never loved me.
Then once I confronted him about the engagement. I said, "You asked me to marry you!"  "Don't you remember the ring you got me?" His response was......"I was drunk", and also added---"You were the one who wanted the ring." I am sooooo stupid.
No, I made a huge mistake.jawdrop.gif I hope this doesn't affect me as horribly as I see it can.
Even my 15 year old daugter has more sense than me.
She told me once, "Mom, give it up. He is a drunk and will never stop drinking. He is hurting you.....GIVE IT UP!" sadangel.gifA very smart kid, huh?smile.gif
I am in a world of censored.gif and scared.
The hot bath was also to help my muscles after "doing it after not doing it for a long time". I always got really sore and barely could do anything the next day even when we were together. I am not counting on it, just trying to prepare for it.
So, to add to this whole thing, what was very interesting to me, was that, my cat, Jodie, sat in my computer chair, directly beside the bed, and looked on during the whole event. I think he was trying to make sure my A wasn't gonna hurt me. I know for a fact if he tried to hurt me, Jodie would latch onto him like flies on censored.gif. That cat really cares for me, and knew as well as I this was not supposed to be happening. He didn't act loving and caring towards my A one bit the whole time he was "awake". Now, as I write to you, he is on the twin bed to the left of my computer, sleeping soundly. He left the living room when he realized I wasn't coming back in there. Smart cat. I love him. The cat, I mean. I am not too sure I really "love" my A anymore.
As I am writing this, I am sucking down coffee and ice, while puffing away on cigarettes.
You know, I got to thinking, what about this poor girl. He hasn't even gone to see her..made any attempt to get a ride to the hospital whatsoever. That is a total and grade A #1 censored.gif
Why did I do this? To relive former memories? It wasn't even loving or the same as when we were together.
I bet this email has your head spinning. Mine is! 30.gif22.gif34.gif33.gif26.gif
This is really making me see just what kind of man I spent over 2 and a half years with. Maybe he cheated on me too. Who knows.
I really didn't want to post this in any of the groups I belong to. Too personal, but I trust you all. I wish I could have just walked away and never looked back.
Earlier in the week he said he could help me with $ this week. Now he came with empty pockets. I know this because I collected his clothes from the floor of my bedroom, and, being nosy, saw he didn't even bring his wallet. I don't know what I would have done if I discovered the wallet in his back pocket. I may have slipped something out of it. Wrong, yes, but don't I deserve something. I am not a whore, but damn. All he brought was something I can't even cook cuz my microwave is broke. Gotta open it up and dump into frying pan to eat. thumbsdown.gif
I don't care about the food. I have plenty of that---went to the food bank already.happy.gif
I know I am unloading a whole bunch of very personal stuff, and haven't posted in a "coons age", but like I said, I trust you all, and I just have to get this out.
My therapist emailed me tonight, not knowing the events that have happened, to let me know she will be calling me this weekend for a session---boy what a session this will be.whisper.gif
VENTING----it helps.shoutbox.gif
But I am also asking for your thoughts and maybe some advice. God,
censored.gif! I cannot believe this.
You may not may not know this, but I like crushed ice in a blender, and coffee at the same time. Well, since this is MY house, I just crushed a bunch for myself (1:30 am present time), and he didn't even wake up. Got coffee too. I know it sounds like a crazy combination, but its what I do every day. Gotta have my coffee and Ice. Took my load of pain meds earlier, and even with the Lyrica, my left arm is giving me massive trouble. Hard to type, but I just have to talk to you.
At least the pain meds have kicked in and I think I may be able to go to sleep soon. I will try not to sit up all night worrying and going over this in my head over and over. This is why I am writing to you. I had to get it out.
Yes, I am actually starting to feel sleepy. Wooo HOOOO! I guess it is safe to go to sleep and not worry about him. Who knows, he may slip out quietly without me knowing. censored.gif if he does that, my door will be left unlocked. He has no key.
Anyway, that is where I am at.

Someone please help me! pray.gif

I hope I haven't said anything that is inappropriate. Forgive me if I have but PLEASE post this to the board.
I need some help BAD!


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This is HippieTrippieChick Signing Off Be blessed and have a wonderful day. Remember God loves you. PEACE
Jamekaticy


Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 38
Date:
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Hi, HTC! I don't how much help there is to give except to say what you already know -- you certainly AREN'T the first person to let their A back into their life, but it also doesn't mean he has to stay there. For God's sake, he's supposedly involved with someone else now.

It sounds as though you're taking this as a lesson in what you don't want, and I must say I hope you keep looking at it that way. It was so hard getting him out of your life before, and although you didn't let us know much about how it's been since then, I bet it was a WHOLE lot better.

Keep that daughter and cat close, and have a good session with your therapist. You're already loved, even by people you've never seen, and we're all pulling for you. Stay strong, girl!

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Barbs45


Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 143
Date:
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((((((((Hip))))))))

I'm sure you'll not be the last woman to have been in a situation like this.

I really do hope you start doing what's good for you, don't allow yourself to be used like that, it's so destroying.

Thoughts are with you,
Barbs.x

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serendipity


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1516
Date:
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 I have done this too, Hippie. I have felt all the fear and regrett that you express. It was never as good as when he was a kind, sober man. I wanted to kick myself for letting it happen. But I am human and I have a heart. It was a mistake and I am still learning from it. You will be ok. I know you will. You can do the next right thing and keep focused on what it is that is best for YOU no matter how he tries to manipulate you. stay strong and be kind to yourself, we all make mistakes, it's what we do with them that counts....much love and peace

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Friendofyours


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 859
Date:
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All I can say is it'll keep happening until you stop it. I know for my own experience NO ONE is worth catching AIDS for. Forget that. I AM too good for someone like that. Good luck chick.

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Friendofyours


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 859
Date:
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I have to wonder too hippie chick that you are also an addict?? Just wondering. You talk about pot, sleeping pills, pain killers....these are serious medicines EVEN for chronic pain. Maybe alot of your desision making is clouded by being mentally intoxicated yourself? Usually addicts are attracted to addicts. I have a friend like this. It's not my place....but from an outsider looking in.......you might want to get yourself checked out for major addiction. It's hard to admit it but you will feel better and find other non narcotic ways to heal yourself. All the drugs you said you take can bring on depression and very bad choices. Good luck again.

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