The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, I found this site a couple weeks ago and have been reading which has been very encouraging. I'm feeling like I need some reinforcement for what I know is the best thing for me to do, isn't that silly that I would need reinforcement for what I know is right? Long story short, I was married to a functional A for 21 years. I went to therapy, learned how to not allow his behavior to effect me, stayed in the marriage thinking it was the right thing to do for the family, he'd get better than worse over & over. He was in denial about his problem, wouldn't get help. My love for him was destroyed and when I saw his worsening behavior was starting to effect our teenage kids, I chose to end the marriage. He chose to take his life which was devistating for our family, but we're survivors. Fast forward a couple years, we've healed alot. My first love from 30 years ago & I start talking again, he lives many miles away, we re-connect, things are great, I watch & listen for signs of dysfunction and he seems so healthy. My heart feels .... really feels after so many years of having to be protected. We visit back & forth, it's so good that he's planning on relocating. As months go on, I start to see signs of alcohol abuse. I talk to him about it, I tell him I will never go through that again. Another long story short, he does have a problem with alcohol, how much of a problem I don't know as we still live far apart. I have struggled over the last months and I know in my heart that the right thing to do is to let him go, in fact I did let him go and he keeps coming back, tugging on my heart. When things are good, they're ooooh SO good, but when the coin flips he displays all of the A behavior. He admits he abuses alcohol, he told me of one time he went to an AA meeting but I haven't heard of another. I've done very well at not letting him reel me in, i.e. how our relationship could help him by being encouraging to him. I've told him he has to do it for him and that he has the right to live anyway he chooses, but so do I. I think he was very safe for me because he was my first love, all those youthful feelings became alive again. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll never find another man who can make me feel the way he does when things are good, but I know I can't sacrifice my sanity for it. I would rather live alone to ever go through that again.
I've started to post this a few times, then thought it was silly because I know the answer and didn't, maybe actually writing it down and having someone else listen is what I need. My mind conflicts, when I feel sad about losing the good aspects I get so foggy, I think because my head is telling my heart NO, don't do it! I wish I could make him see, but I know I can't and he's the only one that can make the decision to get help. He's tried to quit a few times without help and is still unsuccessful. We've remained friends and talk once in awhile but I'm thinking I need to cut it off altogether, it's just too emotionally difficult for me.
Wow, I feel for you....that would be so hard, finally finding someone you think you could have it all with, then realizing he's an A. What a heartbreak! I don't have a lot to offer except heartfelt sympathy. I'm glad you're letting him know of your hesitation and doubts, so if he relocates, he does it with full knowledge of the situation and no illusions. I sure hope he doesn't relocate -- that would make any decision even harder!
By the way, welcome! As you've already found, this is a wonderful, nurturing, safe place, and no matter what you decide, everyone will be here for you.
It is certainly evident that you have been reading and learning, and I think it great that you took the leap of faith to write something down. Writing down my feelings, whether in my own journals or on this website has allowed me to progress in leaps and bounds. It does take courage to put yourself out there, so give yourself a giant pat on the back.
What is the right path for you to take in this situation is only known by you. You stated that you certainly see the "red flags" and you have addressed this potential partner concerning it. He does not have a program -- and will only ever have one if he chooses (ie. you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it). You have been through the ups and downs of an A relationship, and state that you do not want that ever again. Did you speak truth? because an alcoholic is an alcoholic whether they are drinking or not...
at times, my heart and my head can tell me 2 very different things. my heart can want to give my love without regard... while my head says, "wait a minute, you've done this before, stop the trend, stop the cycle, you see the red flags, it might be good now, but it will be painful later".
if you are unsure of what to do, i would encourage you to pick up the telephone and talk to someone you completely trust about it. meditate on it. ask your HP (higher power) for guidance on it. and if none of them work for ya, then perhaps do nothing on it till you feel more clear.
if you are able, i would certainly encourage you to find a face to face AFG (al-anon family group) and attend a few meetings. it has always helped me to gain clarity, peace and serenity, whether i had tough choices to make or just to live a little better.
it is awesome to hear how strong with program you are in a just a bit of time--keep coming back!!!!!
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Welcome to the MIP family! I understand the first love so well. I married my true love 2o years later. The tug at the heart strings is strong. I am greatful he has found sobriety. It's been hard though.
For me, I know that I could never be involved with an active A again. It's too much drama, too much of everything for me at my old age. Call me selfish, but I just don't want to ever go through that again. I still wonder should the A relapse how I would handle it.
Only you can decide what is best for you. The answers will come when you are most ready to receive them. Recovery is about taking back your life. Doing what is best for you. Improving your quality of life, and living the life you so richly deserve. So ask yourself, would your quality of life improve if he was to come back to your life?
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thank you all for your responses. I read them this morning and have been giving alot of thought to the wise words you've given. I can't express how much it means to me to have this support, sometimes you can know something but you get clouded with emotions and feelings, and having people point out the reality of it can help to make it so much clearer. Did I speak truth ... this one had me thinking, as I absolutely said I'd never go through this again, but here I am having pain again, allowing myself to have pain as it's nobody elses choice but my own. To thyne own self be true ... I believe I've allowed myself to get muddled (the hope that he would become sober) and I need to clear out the mud and get back to the truth. I need to concentrate on 'taking back my life, doing what is best for me, improving my quality of life' ... good words! He's not relocating here, I've told him I won't see him until he is able to stay sober for 3 months. I can't say why the '3 months', it's just been my experience that my L(late)AH couldn't go more than 2 months and so far this guy can't. He said he would never lie to me about it, and so far as I know he hasn't, he tells me if he's been drinking. I've asked many times for guidance, and looking back I have received it and chose not to continue with the relationship ... but I get muddled when I hear the promises, see short lived improvements and have hopes of him becoming sober. Another area I allow myself to get muddled, is thinking that I may never find this deep of love again. I need to have faith that when the time is right for me, I will meet someone who will be right for me.
hello re , it's okay to love an alcoholic , and u may find this interesting I sure did . After being in this prog for a yr or so i thought I would check up on my past relationships to see if any of them were alcoholic . They were 2 were in recovery , I killed himself in a car accident , drunk . The other was still out there doin his thing . For some reason even way back then I was attracted to the bad boys . Alcoholics are exciting people and lovable . I wish u luck in your new relationship just keep the focus on yourself and you will be fine . Louise
Welcome, and don't ever feel like what you need to write about is foolish! You should read some of the stuff I have written over the past year and a half! Yep, like you, I am attracted to A's. Put me in a room with 1,000 men, and only 1 of them alcoholic (yeah, like THAT is a possibility!) and I would hone right in on him, and bypass the 999 others. Story of my life. Glad you are here. Keep coming back. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I definitely do love him, and I know I always will, whether we're on the same path in life or not. I also love me, I've even come to love me more, and I know that unless/until he chooses to address his problem(s), really make a commitment to get better, I cannot have a relationship with him. It'll destroy me. I stayed in my marriage too long and am suffering the repercussions of it, working hard on healing, dealing with PTSD which comes out when I'm around him. Yet, just the sound of his voice can make me melt. I guess it's a toxic love.
(Raising hand in air) Yup, I'm attracted to A's, this is the 3rd one in my life, and having met this one first as a teen, the other two I've realized had little characteristics he had, just reminded me of him. How do you change who the love of your life is? I'm working hard on defining why. I know alot of it was the co-dependence, and having someone else define who I am instead of me defining myself. I've learned alot in therapy (and reading MANY books over the last 20 years) and am pretty successful (most of the time, but practice, practice) at living healthy. The fun, free-spirited personality attracts me. The open-ness. But the jeckyl & hyde devastates me. God give me strength.
