The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am still wavering back and forth on whether to visit the A in jail or not this Friday. I keep asking myself why do it to myself? It's my day off, its 2 hrs of driving for a 45 min visit, I KNOW I have better things to do! Why do I feel the urge to go?
BTW I have been smoking off and on and quit again last week (grumbling to myself) but have not smoked in a week! Why can't there be a good health addiction that I enjoy?
I can definitely understand the wavering. I can also understand that you want to know. The not knowing about the A was far far harder for me than anything else.
For weeks I knew the A was in deep trouble, knew it instinctively and that was very very difficult to live with. For me knowing helps.
I may not be able to do anything but I have a clear picture and with a clear picture I can put those boundaries in place.
Just a suggestion, have you put on paper a pro/con list for going for the visit? And maybe also listing reasons why you are visiting? What you hope to accomplish by the visit? Are there any realistic accomplishments?
From what you have shared with us, this seems to have been a very up and down situation for you, emotionally. Sometimes looking at in a cold hard written facts can give a healthier direction for me.
Remember, if you do decide that you need to go for your mental health, that at anytime, you begin to feel uncomfortable, change your mind or if he has those drama issues to try to put on you -Please Remember, you have choices and you have the right to leave and take care of YOU.
Wishing you peace in your decision,
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You know, you don't have to make that final decision until it is time to leave. Up to that point you can say go and don't go as many times as you want. Then when it is time to leave, you can hop in your car and take a nice quiet drive to the jail and use to time to think on it some more. And if you decide to turn around, that is ok too. If you actually make to the parking lot of the jail, you don't have to go in. If you do go in and sign yourself in, you can leave the second you see him, if you want. The point is - you are in control of this. No one else. Least of all the A.
I know it is frustrating to waffle back and forth. I do it every day. Let my AH stay or kick him to the curb. He is doing great and the only reason I have for kicking him to the curb is that he is costing me money simply by being at the house, eating my food, needing gas & cigarettes, talking me into spending money I don't have. He has been great in general outside of the financial issues I am having, which are MY issues - not his. Granted he has his own financial issues to deal with and that he is currently ignoring. I just have a problem with him contributing to my own financial woes w/out batting an eyelash.
Ahh..I got off subject - sorry. Try not to stress about this decision. You'll do what is right for you when it all said & done. Even it you think your final decision may be the wrong one...in the long run, it will be the right one. I think deep down we know what is best for us and we act on that without even realizing it. We are here for you.
I always try to think it thru, both options. How will I feel if I go, how will I feel if I don't go. I like what was said about you being in control of this. Check my motives (although I hate doing that). And I am trying to just be where I am. It really is all I am capable of at the moment. I long to be a healthy, compassionate adult. I have been that in the past, I will be that again. No matter what you decide it will be the right decision. Remember there is no shame in loving an alcoholic, no matter where there are, what they've done, our feelings are real. much love and luck!
I don't know about that, I stayed in a bad situation for a really long time and just because we know what is best for us doesn't mean we do it... I want to pick up a cigarette and smoke it but I know it's not best for me, doesn't mean I won't do it.
I can only give you my ESH. I beat myself to smithereens about not leaving. Then I looked at my options. What are my options. For me it is important right now to be in touch with the A. I have issues I have not resolved. Its easy for people to say walk away but any long relationship has a lot of issues that have to be resolved.
I did not talk to my family of orign in decades Did I resolve all my issues with them. Then I went to see my family then I was in touch with them again. Now I am not. That took a long long time. I didn't have a timetable for it.
I don't shut the door on my family at the moment either. I don't have much contact but I no longer deal in aboslutes. Today I do not deal with them. Tomorrow I may. My mother's ill health was a factor in being in contact with her.
I chose contact. There are lots of levels of contact. I visited my family of origin once in 20 years. Some days I think being in contact with them might have resolved still more issues.
I don't think for me it is black and white anymore. Its for me not a matter of do I beat myself to smithereens.
For me its whats on the table. I have not resolved issues with the A. Until I do I will probably be in contact. Will I marry him? Probably not.
Will I spend the rest of my life with him probably not that either.
I can't resolve those issues overnight there are lots and lots and lots of obstacles.
These days the only person I answer to is the HP. I don't have to explain my actions to others.
Loving someone dysfunctional is hard enough why beat yourself up for having done it?
Thanks, the last line made me laugh. It is hard, why ? why love someone dysfunctional? LOL I guess what's done is done though but that doesn't mean I need to keep doing it LOL.
Well I love my own very very dysfunctional family from a distance. That journey alone took me decades. I never did stop loving them though.
I have decided there are different kinds of love. One love is unconditional the kind i have with my animals. The other is a more conditional kind of love that requires reciprocity for me.
I measure my strength energy and emotional capacity more carefully these days. After all I've regularly gone over the edge with giving myself away.
