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I have an AGF of four years who has now been sober for just over a year. I have tried a few face to face meetings but all the meetings in my area seem to be mostly A's, and I don't feel comfortable discussing how difficult it is to be with an A, in front of A's
So AGF, just days after her 1 year sobriety anniversary, out of nowhere, said that she can't be in a relationship right now. My understanding is that in her program you are discouraged to make drastic decisions in your first year of sobriety, and I had regularly expressed my concern that she would up and leave me after 1 year, which she promised she would never do.
We had been increasingly happy over the past months. (that is how I feel, and that is how she has said she feels.)
This is extremely difficult for me because I am at a point where I am over any resentment I have had over things that have happened in the past, and over any bothersome feelings about how much time she spends with her program friends, etc. These were clear barriers to us being happy in our relationship.
She has said she had not discussed any of this with anyone other than her sponsor. I feel like such a big decision should not be made based on the inut of just one person. I have always felt like her sponsor did not believe I was good for her.
Anyway, I don't know what to do. Can some A's just not be in a healthy relationship. Even if I can be completely over the past, can she not ever deal with the fact that I have seen her at her worst?
She inists it is not about dating other people. She says she needs time to figure out herself. She has a great new job, is pursuing other things, etc. But then she will say she loves me and sees us being together, and pictures her future as us together.
She says she wanted a week to think about things. She just started a new job this week, and has had a tone on her plate, so if she said, hey, I am really busy and just need a couple weeks to take care of things, that would have made a lot of sense.
So I don't know what to do. I feel more strongly than ever that I love her and want to be with her, but I spent 2-3 years waiting, dealing with terrible things, supporting her, etc. If she is not ready now to give it a try, then will she never be ready?
In a relationship with an A, is it normal for the A to base almost all important decisions regarding the relationship on what her sponsor says. Our communication has been terrible, she is unable, or unwilling to discuss "us" with me, so what her sponsor says goes, as far as our relationship.
It has been just over a week, she is busy with her new job, we have talked briefly about her job, just saying hi, but not about us. We left "us" as "she is reconsidering us and the fresh start we have always talked about, but she needs the next week to figure things out."
I have been with her for almost four years, but I guess I don't know if she really knows how I feel about her. Should I ask her for a time to talk sometime in the next week, tell her strait up that I am done being resentful, thinking about the past, and I want you the way you are (that is how I feel, she does not know that, her guilt makes her think that I could never love her unconditionally.)
Tell her that, but then what, she will say I don't know, I am so confused, etc.
OK now I am rambling, Any advice would be greatly appreciated, or anyone who has experience with an A with changing feelings after 1 year of sobriety passes.
It is really hard to be in your position. In Al Anon we learn to let go and allow our hp to take care of our A's. We never had any control over it anyway.
A or not, a person who asks for space, if we love them, we back off. Respecting their boundary, respecting their need for personal growth.
I know when someone gives me that, I love them all the more. Makes me feel like they are not pushing me or smothering me.
We cannot control if they love us or not, or if they will be back or not. All we can do is go on with our lives, and hope that our loved one finds their way back to us.
I honestly believe when someone says I need to work on me, they really do, they are not trying to end the relationship.
So maybe instead of focusing on the past, all the times you hung in there, all you gave. Think about what you want now, for you. Or allow yourself to coast for awhile and not think about it at all.
go get massages, go for walks, get funny movies. do your best to find you again.
Hey I know how hard it is to be alone when you love someone. I also know how hard it is to want to do much alone.
If you can go see friends and family, paint your house, put up a fence. whatever. Projects help.
No use analyzing anyones motives.
There are meetings here at MIP in the chat room. Go to the home page and it will tell you times.
Also in Al Anon, after awhile we do not talk about the A so much anymore. We tend to talk about how we learn to handle the disease. How we have learned to be happy in spite of the disease.
I can also say, when you back off, and give her space, she will feel you respecting her, it will make her love you more.
she has been sick a long time. A's when using do not grieve losses. Can you imagine all she has to go thru? it all comes back up.
Since she has been drinking, no progress in growth has happened. Now she is being bombarded with so many things, she used to avoid.
glad you are here, keep coming. love,debilyn ps. sometimes all we can do for others is love them.
I actually just talked to her an hour or so ago. As I said our communication has been terrible. She brought up things I had no idea about. I rarely drink, but do on occasion. At first I didn't at all, but she would encourage me to go out with the guys and have a few beers on occasion. Now she says she can't be with someone who finds drinking so important, which is not how I feel at all. Drinking is not important to me, does not make me happy, but she is convinced that it is for me. She says test yourself, go to partys, functions, etc. and don't drink, and see how important it is to you. I said fine, but I will tell you again drinking is not important to me, because that is how I feel. She says she doesn't want to be with me now unless she is going to be with me in the long run and she can't envision herself with someone who finds drinking so "important". Don't really know what that means I guess. Are all A's different as far as their tolerance to a partner who drinks? Drinking is not important to me, but how do I make that clear to her. I didn't drink at all for a long time when she was first getting sober, then she encouraged me to "go out with the guys, and have a few beers if I feel like it" so I did.
I have been doing many different things for me lately, which has been nice, thanks for that advice. She was emotionally drained tonight, when she was leaving I asked if I should not call her for a week. She said do whatever you want to do. I said doing that would probably be to call her within the next couple days to keep the lines of communication open. She said fine, do that. So who knows. Right now I am going to think about what I want for me.
Glad you have been doing different things for yourself lately. That is a great start. Although you are not comfortable in the f2f meetings in your area, maybe you could try the on-line meetings and also reading recovery literature. How Al-Anon works for Friends & Families of Alcoholics is one of my favorites.
Hope you will continue reaching out for help for you.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
