The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so sick of whining! Man, I have actually felt graditude in these past 4 days. I have been slowly falling in love with my house and feeling slightly good about owning a home, a really nice home at that. I have friends who love me so very much and this program and meetings every day if I choose to go. I am a very lucky, blessed woman. I have 3 beautiful girls who I am raising to be strong, independent women. I have values and morals and I know what they are! I have 2 stinky mutts and one sweet cat (and one psyco cat...she has issues but she eats the entire mouse so she earns her keep!)
But, my mother. She just called to check on the dogs. I said well, spencer has had dyarreha all day. She said what are you feeding them? I said puriena or something. She said well, they are used to IAMS. I laughed and said I can't afford IAMS and these dogs had a regular diet of skunk, racoon, and decaying deer for the first 9 years of their life! She said well they haven't for the past year! Then she told me not to shave them because they'll get skin cancer. Honestly, she doesn't like the way they look when they are shaved. I can't stand the smell and the clumps of fur and I have 3 kids and a life so I am not inclined to brush them. They were shaved for 9 years of their lives every summer. She is telling me that I should drive out to where she lives (45 min. away) rather than just down the road to have them groomed (not shaved). I know daily petty irratations. She's not a drunk! Yesterday she wanted me to stop and discuss money and the dogs and what a screw up I am. I said I'm sorry, I can't deal with all that at the moment, I am having a really rough time. She followed me around and out the door telling me I am a bad parent and she feels bad for my poor kids and she understands why my ex has done what he has done. I didn;t engage, I just kept walking and left. I swear, I just wish once, she'd put her arms around me, give me a hug and tell me it's ok. She has never once done that. It is always sarcasim and hate out of her mouth. SHe has always been abusive it's just there used to be periods of peace inbetween. Now, I can't speak to her without getting slammed. I have always assumed it was true, everything she said about me is true. She is my mother, it had to be true. But the wierd thing is, the more abusive and negative she is the harder I try to be good, be nice to her. I catch myself thinking I want to tell my mom or call her. I am having as hard a time accepting her for who she is as I am accepting my ex is a well, whatever he is. They are so similar. And my reaction to them is so similar. Beat me...I love you, Hate me....I love you, Steal,lie, cheat on me......I soooo love you. So, how does anyone accept their mother is a sick, angry, negative person who is out to really hurt me?
My mother does this too, she slams me one minute, is loving the next; shames me one minute, slathers all this love on me the next. I'm not sure there is one good way to handle it or if theres a bad way to handle it. I do know that standing up for yourself will make a difference. Being direct and honest about what you will and won't tolerate will make a difference. As long as she thinks she can walk all over you, she will. I know that as long as she continues to treat you like crap you have the ability to stand up and say "I'm not participating in this behavior mom. You can't talk to me like that. When you're ready to treat me with respect, you call. Until then, don't bother me with your attitude." Standng up for yourself is aboundry thing. you'd be surprised what happens when you refuse to be abused. The books "Games People Play; Toxic Parents; Emotional Blackmail" are good here.
I really struggled with my mother for years. I had those kind of relationships in other areas too. Now I start to look at the patterns. When I have the craving to be acknowledged and loved I don't go to someone who is going to stab me in the back.
Ironically for me it has to be the back against the wall stuff. The latest crisis I had made me think super clearly who and where I went for help. I received promises galore. Not many of them materialized. Then I received directives. I used to really get super sucked in. Now I can step back.
For me personally its all about the pattern. Can I intterupt it. How? When, what can I do.
Of course there is /was a huge component of grief in there too. I think I spent years mourning the lack of the mother.
Hate so much that your Mom is the the source of the emotional support that you need, but please keep taking care of you and getting the support you need from those healthy resources that you have worked so hard to establish.
Just like your ex's alcoholism is not about you, neither are her issues. Some people just can't be supportive or happy for others.
In recovery I learned that acceptance doesn't mean agreement. Just because you accept that your mom is the way that she is, doesn't mean that you agree with her. Just saying "It is what it is" and I'm going to go on and live my life regardless of their actions.
Just my e,s, & h, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I hope you will take this the way it is intended by me <cuz I can oh so relate> but I have detached from this enough I guess that I started laughing as I read your post. It's not that it's funny -- it's especially not hilarious living through it --- But ... it was like you were writing about my own mom who's been deceased for over a decade! And you hear about women 'marrying their father' -- not me, I married my mom. He was a handsome masculine guy, but the personality was her magnified. And I didn't see any of it, not really see it till after she died. And it was bad ... and got worse. And then I needed to figure out how to crawl out of the hole. Now I didn't choose my mom, and I didn't really know I had choices about relating to her til after she was gone, but I did choose my ex. And I've come to learn that I do choose my thoughts. And being aware of this, and being aware of the negative 'tapes' that were constantly running when interacting with my mom or my ex (out of their mouths and into my head) -- well, I choose not to run those negative tapes in my head anymore, for lots of reasons, including that they are not accurate. I never thought of my mom as an A, my dad was - heavy drinker on a daily basis. And my mom's dad was probably an A, from what I've heard. Looking back, my mom exhibited all the signs of being a dry drunk, but I recall only a couple select holidays when she was drunk and that were ruined by her behavior. And between the 2, it was my mom's behavior that was the most insidious, the toughest to deal with. The great thing is that after years, <yeah, years> I can now look at some of their stuff, things they (mom and ex) said, and I can laugh about it. I mean, once I can step back and detach, it truly is absurd. And some of the time, I can also see that nearly all the things my mom (and my ex) say, it is about them, not about the person they are directing it towards. It took me a while to learn how to detach, but that is one worthwhile lesson. All that leads me back to keeping the focus on me, learning about and implementing the boundaries that I did not know existed until I found al anon, working an honest program, so that my choices in the future can be healthy, for me and as a good model for my children. (((Yours in recovery))) emma
I had this same problem with my mother. I finally decided that I no longer needed to take the verbal abuse, so I cut all communication for a year with her. After being in Alanon, I woke up and thought to myself---this is my life and I want to be happy, but this relationship is causing me pain so I ended it. A year went by and she sent me a card pouring her heart out and apologizing for her behavior. I went to visit her shortly thereafter. My mother and I have been closer than I ever thought possible. My prayers are with you to find what is best for you.
