The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of my housemates is this incredibly nice man, Gilbert. When he isnt' drinking he is the soul of the earth, considerate, kind, accomodating, generous. Put some alcohol into him and he becomes super belligerant. One day last week he brought me breakfast next he went wild about me doing the laundry.
For me there is no question I will not deal with Gilbert anymore except on really super perfunctory terms.
I can't say the same about the A. He's burned me to a frazzle so many times. He's betrayed me and abandoned me umpteen times. Yet now he is down and out I find it super hard to say bye.
Admittedly there are a lot of issues on the table. I would like to have a place for our animals. I would like to have custody of the truck. At the same time he is absollutely and completely exasperating most of the time. His self absorption is incredible to say the least. He is not the Jekyl and hyde of Gilbert. At the same time his actions do not appear to be logical by any stretch of the imagination.
The burden he puts on me is absolutely stupendous. And I no longer live with him. I deal with him for about one hour a day at most and I'm exhausted.
Today was one of the first times I told him absolutely I will not do this unless you do something for me. I need too. And I meant it. I mean it absolutely. I will no longer give till I break from giving.
He has an ultimatum and I mean it. For me I had to get to points of having my health practically stop to be able to set that kind of limit but I do mean the limit and I do intend to hold it. If the A continues in his fashion of not taking care of himself he will lose "everything" and the only person he will have to blame will be himself. Of course he never holds himself accountable but he is no longer going to put me in that bind of giving till I drop dead from giving.
he is absollutely and completely exasperating most of the time. His self absorption
I deal with him for about one hour a day at most and I'm exhausted.
He's burned me to a frazzle so many times. He's betrayed me and abandoned me umpteen times. Yet now he is down and outI find it super hard to say bye.
I will no longer give till I break from giving.
he is no longer going to put me in that bind of giving till I drop dead from giving.
Part of Al Anon is saying back what we hear from each other, maybe saying what we see. Does not make it so, is only our hearts and eyes.
Mary I really looked at this post. In it I see a person saying "I" deal with him, "I" find it hard to say goodbye.
Then it is turned around as "he is putting me in the bind."
Mary did he come looking for you? This is where Al Anon helps us. We stop giving to them, we don't put "ourselves" in the bind. Did he drag you into "his" world again? Or did you seek him out?
When we really take care of us, use our skills "we" no longer step into the pit "they" are in.
They can no longer pull us in. Does this make sense? We do not go back and look for them after we finally left them. We think about us, how are we going to eat, pay the bills they left, take care of the pet family they cannot care for.
I am NOT judging. As almost all of us go back and forth for awhile until we are ready to completely cut the connection. We are so tired of going back into the pit, we turn around and leave, leave the trucks, cars, houses, etc.
We are mirrors to each other in Al Anon. It is not always easy things we hear. I welcome othe insights.
Ultimatums do not work. They never have, never will. Boundaries are different. I will not longer give to people who do not give back. Not, unless you do this I won't do that.
It is your boundary for everyone.
It is all coming together for you. I see all the pieces you have learned coming together.
But remember mary, he already lost everything. Who came and "saved" him?
And again, it is YOUR decision. We all learn from this. Like I told you, I would find it very hard not to help my AH too if he was where your A is. I know I would not, as it stops the process of them getting where they learn how to pick themselves up.
Aism is so horrible. We want to help, we love them, we would take any dog or cat from the street in our A's position. But we have to face it only makes it worse if we do!! No wonder we hurt and feel so awful. We only want to love and care for someone we love who is so sick.
You are in a horribly hard position dear friend. It may take you a few more times of taking care of him, for you to get to the point that you will find it is fruitless.
I hear the self will, self absorbed on the A's part loud and clear. My AHsober is oblivious to me and his family. Me, me, me. But they are hard to say no to I think because they have that radar out when we start to get stronger and try to make a break for it. Stay strong with your posts. You definitely have a process in your recovery.
