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This is a hard one for me to put out... Stories can be so conveluded and so screwed up. I'll try and do the abbreviated one. So as Iv'e said before, my husband has refraimed from alcohol use for 5 months now. Thats an absolute miriacle in itself. And I must say life is better then it has been in years....He's hiding it still, but I also have admitted that I know he is back to smoking pot again. Our son, soon to be 17, is also smoking pot. I know they have smoked it together. (my husband doesn't see pot as being a dangerous or addicting drug) He has also been having grade trouble in school. Hmm wonder why...So here's the thing...I layed in bed last night with this huge epifany about my son and husband, more my husband I guess....My husbands recovery is like my sons situation at school...My son...Just because he goes to school, shows up, doesn't mean he's going to pass his classes, he's got to do the work....My husband, Ok so he is sober, but that's it, he's not fixing the behaviors, he still acts like he's drinking, maybe not at the extreme, but he is still not rational, or I hate to say this, normal in any way of thinking...I know that sounds so common sense like, I guess I lost some of mine some where to...I'm taking it back... So here is the outcast part.....I'm the bad guy now....everyone shuts up when I enter the room. They seem to have this boys club thing going on. I know I'm the Mom and he's the Dad, But even when we have caught our son red handed doing something he isn't suppose to, skiping class, smoking, whatever, my A husbadn still plays the good guy, the friend. Iv'e been monitoring our son very closely because of all this. My husband hasn't come out and said it, I guess he doesn't have to cause I know it. He just refused to monitor him.. I really believe its' becasue of all the monitoring I used to do to my Ah before Al-non. He won't take part in our sons stuff. I could just blow a gasket over it...Several months ago I know I would have let my husband think I was crazy...I would have adventually believed it too. Not now, thanks to al-anon and you
So last night, I just cried alone, cried because I lost my best friend, (AH), years ago, and I know I will never have him back...cried because of my fear for my son...cried cause I know that in the next several months my life will change...thats scary...really really scary....cried cause I feel like an outcast....
Alcoholics need alies and your son is it for now . Don't take on the crap they are dishing out ,it is only to keep u at a distance so that they can justify what thier doing . Get happy detach from thier behavior and see how quickly they try to draw u back into the insanity . the happier u get the more threatened they become. just my observation . I really hope your going to meetings for yourself u need support this board is great but just not enough . Oh and by the way your husb is not sober if he is still doing dope. He is still in stinkin thinkin u need a program to not take this personal the disease is trying to maintain control it's really not about u at all. good luck
Abby is so right in all that she says. I have been in a similar situation to yourself and know how painful it is.
I know its scary and unfair. This disease affects everyone in its midst. I thought for years that it was my dad and my partner that had the problems, being the drinkers. Of course it is not as simple as this. Whole families are affected. It makes us feel unimportant because it thrashes our self esteem. This was a stark realisation for me.
Keep coming back and telling us how you are betting on. If you can get to regular meetings that would be even better. The strength of the physcial presence of an understanding person can be very powerful. Maybe even try journalling, it helped me. It helps great just to bet it out somehow.
wow, my h did the same thing with my son. i was bad cop, he was good cop. i was the lame one. omg, i can so relate. now that my h is passed, my son still tries to do the same stuff. my job is to be the best parent i can be by working my program, and detaching. my son is 14 and got C's and D's in his classes. can i make him do the work? no, of course not. can i get all upset and freak out and yell? yes, but will that help? no, of course not. i can detach with love and let him have the consequences of his actions. your son is 17. no way you can make him do what you think is best, no matter how much you monitor him. but you can live YOUR LIFE and still love him. i do that by going to meetings, praying, working the steps with my sponsor and phone calls.
Hate so much about the pain you are feeling right now. It is hurtful to feel alone in your own home & in your own family. Hate so much that the disease is taking your son & your husband down this path.
I'm very glad that you are learning to take care of You. It is a very good thing. It may feel uncomfortable at first, but from my experience it does become a little easier as time goes on. Please keep reaching out for help, attending meetings (if you can), reading literature and seeking direction from your HP - that is what helps me walk my path of recovery.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I have a very similar situation at home, because I am not drinking or using I am left out and the target of anger. Alanon has helped me realize that the disease makes people start fights to distract others from the A's drinking and using, so they can go off and do what they do undisturbed. They drive everybody away except those who join (or support) them.
I am looking for ways to handle this myself. In the first place, you are not able to tolerate their behavior because it is unacceptable. We learn tools in Alanon that teach is ways to handle unacceptable behavior caused by the disease.
Also, I look at myself in the mirror and say "YOU are the problem". Thats right, I am a problem to the other family members. I don't like the way things are and I'm not giving unconditional love.
I agree with the other posts. Go to meetings, read the literature, build a life for yourself.
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"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed."
•:*¨¨*:•.•:* ♥¨*:•.•:*¨¨ *:• Ancient Chinese Proverb
