The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We took my best friend to the detox wing at our local hospital yesterday. He's been struggling with alcoholism his whole adult life (30+ years). The last relapse has been about 3/4 years long. But increasingly worse over the last 3 months.
He agreed to go to a 28 day program, that will begin as soon as the detox is over. I believe he can get the help he needs there.
But what about me? I have been involved with the effects of his drinking. I've been there for the fights, and the lies, and the manipulations. I've covered for him over and over with his obligations.
How do I support him best now? There are visiting hours in the detox wing. Do I visit him? Do I bring things to make him comfortable (socks he likes, etc.). Then once the 28 day program starts how can I be a positive influence to his recovery? Do I act like none of the awful behavior happened? Do I ever try to talk to him about how it hurt me, or do I let it come out in his own recovery?
Where can I start in forgiving myself for covering for him all the time?
By far the best thing you can do for you is go to al anon. The al anon/alateen web site www.alanonalateen.org can direct you to meetings in your area. You can there be educated about the disease of alcholism, the effects on family members, and the way each of us individuals is sick and dysfunctional. You can read Al Anon/Alateen literature. Written by those who live and have lived with the diesease of alcholism for those living and having lived with alcholism, they are resources for working the 12 steps of the program, understanding the spritual tools of the program, and using the spiritual tools of the program. You can post here on the message board, and use the chat room. We are members all over the world of ala non and alateen, united in the common fact that we have been in effected of anothers alcholism. Parents, siblings, children, spouses, friends, whomever, whenever, we all have witnessed and survived the horrors and the hatred that this disease creates and we hate what it has done to us. We didn't want to live this way anymore and in desperation, we came here. We have all cried our eyes out at one time or another--yes, even the manliest men have done their time with the kleenex box--and everyone came here a complete wrek. No one came here--to al anon, alateen, to the message board, or to the chat room--because publishers clearinghouse showed up at thier front door. And let's face it, $1 million just wouldn't cover the wounds that alcholism did to us. Lastly, you can realize that you are not alone. by getting honest and asking for help, you shared that you can't do it anymore. Fantastic! Now realize that though our stories differ, they are all the same. We all share the same hurt and horror. The mind games, the manipulation, the behavior that no one in their right mind would live with or keep on with--been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Keeping these things in mind will serve you more in your journey than anything else.
Glad your friend is seeking help. There is help for you also. Through the program of Al-Anon, attending f2f (face to face) or on-line meetings, reading recovery literature, posting here at MIP and reaching out for help to other recovery friends.
This is what helps many friends and family members of alcoholics learn what is best in dealing with someone who suffers from this disease.
Glad you are here and hope you will find help for you too.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Welcome to the MIP family. You're a good friend. He's lucky to have you. The best thing you can do is work on your program. Your recovery has to be about you and for you regardless if he chooses recovery or not. I wish I had realized this sooner.
As for what to bring him in detox, it varies by programs. There are certain rules and regulations. Check with his program. It is your choice if you want to visit or not. Do what is most comfortable for you. The more you learn about this disease, and the more you work your program the better off you will be.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Hi and Welcome , you can start forgiving yourself right now , u did what u thought was right at the time, now u know different. Most of us who love A's do the same thing , we believe this time it will be diff and it is , it's worse . I hope u will use this next 30days to get to as many Al-Anon meetings as u can , find out exactly what it is your dealing with , what I thought I knew about alcoholism almost ruined my family. Learn how to set boundaries in your relationships and get your life back on track . the toll free number for meetings in your area is 1-888-4alanon . good luck
Thank you all for your support. I have read several other posts tonight and even went to the bookstore to get some of the books people suggested. They didn't have any of them, which is what usually happens to me, so I ordered them online.
The visit tonight went well. The new unit he is on is very calming, and quiet. He was dressed and although still in withdraw he wasn't as out of it as yesterday - he was my no means clear headed by the medicine they had him on was making him pretty groggy.
I was feeling pretty good about myself after logging on this afternoon and reading. Before I went to see him. I felt in control. It was so reassuring that someone else was watching him today. I felt like I could breathe easily. And then I saw him, and I wanted to fix it all for him. He'd misplaced his glasses and I went franticly looking for them, for him. I did take a step back and walk out in the hall to actually THINK about the panic that I/we/he was in. I calmly went back in, and sat down. He found them, they'd fallen in the crack between the pillows and the bed.
I'm still so worried that he will be mad at me for him being there - although he said he wanted to go and voluntarily committed himself. I think that he'll think I could have been a better friend and helped him at home. But then thinking for others in bad. I should think for myself and let others think for themselves.
I should just take some deep breaths and try to get some sleep. I don't want the guilt creeping back in any more than it already has
I would have not gotten through the day and felt anywhere close to sane, if it hadn't been for this group.
Pipers Kitty made me smile. I really needed that. I miss my puppies a lot, they cant live at my temporary apartment.
Wow, Eileen -- sounds like you're taking major steps already. The glasses story is classic -- realizing you're doing for him what he should do for himself, even something seemingly small, and how easily it can throw you into a tizzy. And also the part about realizing you shouldn't worry so much about what he might think. He'll think what he thinks, and you think what you think. Sounds like you're going gangbusters!
Abbyal hit the nail on the head when she said you did what you thought was right at the time. I bet we all laughed a little ruefully at her "We believe this time it will be different, and it is -- it's worse!" Even if now you think you should have done things differently, it doesn't matter -- you did the best you could with the resources and knowledge you had at the time. If those have changed, now you can do things differently.
He sure is lucky to have a friend like you. Please let us know how everything's going as it unfolds.
He is in the Behavioral Health unit and for the first couple days was sedated on Ativan. Now, he isn't on the ativan and the anger is back. He is also extremely confused. He knows who we (his wife and I are), and knows where he is, and who (doctors, etc.) that he has seen. He remembers the last time he had an ultrasound for example and that they had to do a colonoscopay to remove some polyps, so when he had his ultrasound today he gave us the results from his last one (2 years ago) All the details are mixed up. The facts are right in most cases, but the time is all wrong.
He has no idea what day or month it is. And his anger comes out when we remind him of the correct date or year or month when he is talking, or when he starts talking about his "transition plan" - he wants to go HOME - now. If he goes home now he'll start drinking again. I know that a 28 day program has to be his choice - which he did make last week, and I don't know how to tell him we'd all still love him and care for him when he gets back, that we can take care of the house and everything, if he'll just take care of himself. When we say that he says we are pushing him to do it.
He is angry that he is at the hospital anyway, but his BAC was .47 - lethal level if I am not mistaken, we were afraid he was going to die. Of course, at the time he told us that he was scared, and wanted to go to a 28 day program and to the ER right then. But doesn't remember, or want to remember any of that.
I am so scared. I don't know if he will come back mentally. No one there can answer my questions, everyone is gone at lunch or dinner during visiting hours. I don't know what to do. The nurses are treating me like I am the one in the unit, with very bland generic answers - sing songy almost.
I just want someone to tell me if it is the medicine doing this or if he has damage from the alcohol.
I write all my questions down to take to the nurses, and the best answer I get from anyone is 'the person who can tell you that isn't here' - I am so frustrated.
