The material presented
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Hi everyone. I am new to this board. I am married to an alcoholic. I don't know if he has always been one, or if he became one over the years due to life circumstances. I do know that I am pretty hopeless about the whole situation.
We just got into another huge blowout. Nothing physical, but he is an expert at the emotional abuse. His sister (thank god for her!) came and took him for a drive to calm down. I don't know if I want him to come back. If it wouldn't mess up our 6 yr old son, I would say no. But the last time it was this bad, it messed my son up for weeks.
My son is seven (just turned seven) and my girls are six years old and it DOES screw them up. It's so hard because with my son you don't know what goes on in that little head of his. I'm sure it's so confusing for him. I had to get my ah out of our house because I could not allow my children to hear the mental abuse. I knew that we were teaching them how to be when they grew up and I wanted better for them so I put an end to it. Now my ah comes every other weekend to see them and we are civil to each other. My ah had me fooled into thinking he was sober for six months and I ended up pg, long story short...I miscarried a few days ago and my ah's true side came out and made me realize that I could not be with that person any longer, not even every other weekend. I know my children are better off with one stable parent then two screwed up ones. I have to be their security, I have to protect them. I do not want them growing up treating their children (my grandchildren) like garbage because that's what their daddy treated them like or that's how they saw daddy treating mommy like that. I don't want my son to grow up to treat his wife like that or speak to her like his father does me. I don't want my girls to grow up and marry a man like their father and it's up ME to make sure their future is right. It's alot to put on my shoulders but I figured I had them for a reason to love them and to show them right from wrong and what good am I if I am living in the wrong. Now these are just my thoughts so take what you want and leave the rest. I know it's hard and living with an A is horrible and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, I know I will NEVER do it again. Your in my prayers and I hope you stay around for a while. This is a wonderful group of people and we are all in the same boat. I wish you the best in your recovery. ^i^
(((((HopelessWife))))) <==== these are hugs by the way
You are in a tough spot, and many of us have been there before. You are not alone, and best of all .... you are in the right place.
Nobody in the program will "tell" you what to do. But since you are in the midst of something, I will leave you with a couple of quick questions for you to think about.
- If there were no children, no other consequences to any decission you decide is best for YOU... what would you do. What is in your best interest.
- Second question is easier... would you want any less for your children?
There is alot to this program, and it is all about helping you understand your own decissions, and learning to live a healthy happy life, with or without the alcoholic in your life.
I hope you will come back and learn and grow with us. It is worth it.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Heillo and welcome , living with alcoholism has already affected your son , I know we think we protect them but we don't . They are alot smarter than we give them credit for . I hope that u are considering going to Al-Anon for yourself , it will help u understand what it is your dealing with and u will find support from people that have been where your at . it is a safe place to share what is going on in your life . Al-Anon offers solutions for living with an active alcoholic , absolutley nothing will change til someone changes . Alcoholics need enablers and thats where we come in we believe the lies we lie for them , make excuses for t hier crappy behavior , cover thier debts and cover up thier mistakes when we stop doing those things , change can happen . good luck Louise I meant to add that your powerless over alcohol and the alcoholic but never hopeless . there is always hope . don't give up .
I use to use that term, Hopeless to describe my life until I got into this program. I am qualified to be here and what little you shared suggest that maybe you should stick around for awhile and listen and learn and see if the Al-Anon Family Groups aren't for you either.
We make suggestions and share freely with others what was freely given to us with the instruction to "Take what you like and leave the rest."
Alcoholism messes up everything and everyone it comes into contact with and for those whom it has affected and continue to stand straight up with a bright smile on their face we think they either have one heck of a 12step program going or they are paddling around in the river called "De Nile".
You are not hopeless; feeling helpless is what I finally learn was true for me and staying with this program and the meetings, literature, steps, traditions and workable suggestions I dropped hopeless from my vocabulary. Because of all the love and support in this program I rarely feel helpless. In time much more will be revealed to you; you just have to keep coming back. We are a huge family and here for you. You don't ever have to feel alone again. Welcome home!!
Welcome to the MIP family. There is always hope. Never give up on that. There is always hope for your recovery, hope for your son's recovery. If you go back and reread the old posts you will see what I mean. They don't call this Miracles in Progress for nothing! Welcome home.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Do I understand correctly? If he does not come back, the kids will be screwed up? What about living their lives with active alcoholism? Now THERE'S screwed up! The fact is alcoholism screws up everything and everyone it touches. You and your dear children must always come first, so it is for you to decide whether you and they would be better off living with discord and misery, or whether a better life, without the alcoholic, is a better choice.
I wish you the best,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi, I'm with Diva as usual... I have 3 kids 12, 8 and 5 and I chose to leave (leaving about 2/3 of the income along with it) and I have managed. The kids are much happier with dad gone than they were with him in and out and constantly hearing his verbal abuse, inconsistent behavior, disappearing for days, etc. I must admit it took me a long time to get out and this is the second time (and hopefully last) that I have left him. I know no decision like this is easy and there are so many factors involved. Something will tell you the right thing to do. You just have to listen to it!
Hope that you will continue to read the post, reply, read recovery literature, attend Al-Anon meetings (either on-line or face to face) and reach out for help.
For this is how I discovered to live Happy, Joyous and Free regardless of the way that I have and am being affected by my loved ones' alcoholism/addiction.
wishing you peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I grew up in an alcoholic home, I can honestly tell you, that the knots in my stomach still arise if I have to deal with extreme alcoholic behaviour, this was not something that I would want for my children, though my ex-a is in my home right now. I think I have learned to set some boundaries and cut through a lot of the mental abuse, though it is still vile when they are on one. Just be there for your child and think of you, what do you want, what do you need, please focus on that if you can. You are in my prayers,
Everyone has welcomed you to our board and shared their thoughts and I would just echo them and add this.. This board has saved me so many times. I have been beyond tears and came here for support and found this great group of people here. Listen to their stories, grab on tight because living with an active alcoholic is not an easy thing to do.
Welcome ((((new))) I'm glad you found us ;) For me the face to face meetings are a great place to start your reovery. Unless you have been coming around ,alot of the lingo may not not make a whole lot of sense to you ,especially in such desperate times. In alanon we do not offer advice, we only share our own experiences,strength and hope. This is how it works. I remember my first meeting and wanting someone to tell me "what" to do...They smiled and said "keep coming back". In time I came to my own conclusions and made the decision best for me and my kids. But for me it took me 2 yrs in this program and alot of working on "me" to get where I needed to be...And because I worked on me and shared in my meetings I grew emotionally and spiritually. So I will tell you the same ,Keep coming back. Look at your local area alanon website to locate meetings near you ;) This forum is a great between the meetings source of strength and support for me too ;) Welcome ;) ~ Carla
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It works if you work it , so work it YOU'RE worth it <3
