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Hey, normally I wouldn't start a new topic about being the new kid, but I see a couple other topics like this so I guess you guys won't mind... I don't really know how to start off my foruming here.
My name's Sarah, I'm 21 years old. My boyfriend is in rehab for alcoholism. I'm here because I need people to talk to, he doesn't really want me telling anyone about his problem except for my immediate family. I told a couple of my friends (who I knew wouldn't tell anyone) because I just needed an outlet, but I feel bad betraying his trust, so I decided to come here. I visited Matt in rehab today, and I'm feeling pretty unsure about the techniques used... given, I'm no expert and I've never studied this kind of thing, but some of the parts of rehab seem counterintuitive to what I'd consider a healing environment. Matt also seemed slightly brainwashed when I talked to him. It's not that I don't support him, I do with my whole heart, I'm just not sure what's beneficial about some of their techniques. And I obviously miss him very much.
Anyway, that's me in a nutshell at this precise moment.
AA is the type of program you take what you want and leave the rest. There are steps that are written out but there are different ways to work them for everyone, know what I mean? The main things is that your bf is getting the help he needs. I would recommend you trying al-anon meetings which will in turn help you understand what he is learning and why he is learning it in that particular way. It's a long and exhausting road and very complicated. Good luck in your recovery. Keep coming back here. There are a bunch of wonderful people here for you.
Sarah, I understand the whole thing about not wanting anyone to know, but thats part of the disease. I've spent most of our 22 years of marriage trying to cover up for my A husband. Pretending things were ok, they were not....Get yourself to a Al-non meeting or go to some family meeting where your boyfriend is at...read...read...read...and keep coming back here....my thoughts are with you
HI Kiddo, when I first started to learn about Al Anon and addiction, I read everything I could get my hands on.
You may want to get AA books that will explain the steps and all. The book, Getting them Sober is the best one for me. volume one.
If you cont. in Al Anon and he goes to rehab and hopefully AA from what I have read you have an 80% better chance at making it.
There is so much you will want to know. Alcoholism and or being an addict makes a person very, very sick. It does not go away. It is a disease with no cure.
They usually go thru their lives, being sober, to relapse to being on a program to using, relpasing rehab again....Just becuz they stop using, means nothing.They need a program of recvovery for life. It is basically a map that helps them to keep on a path of as healthy of a life possible for them.
Your support is wonderful. Does his rehab have meetings for him and family also?
AA has open meetings, and their are also AlAnon meetings. You would learn so much by going. Also you help others by attending too.
You coming here helps us too. We learn from you, and it allows us to share what we have learned, share what we have experienced.
I am happy your A is getting help. It is a great step.
going to Al Anon meetings you will find others who understand and who can guide you. I found talking to friends and family only made them hate my A as they do not know it is a disease and they don't know all the truths of alcoholism. Many just want to say they are a drunk and leave them.
But in Alanon we find it is ok to love them. We also learn not to help the disease.
I hope you cont. on your journey in Al Anon. I can promise you, it is the BEST thing you can do, if you really love your A and want to help. Love,debilyn
Now is the time for you to focus on you and let your BF focus on his sobriety. I know that it is hard not to follow the impulse to jump in and manage it all for him, but believe me when I tell you that that doesn't work.
I encourage you to go to an Al-Anon meeting or two and see if it is for you. Alcoholism is a family disease--your BF is not the only one who has been affected by it. Please take this time while he is in rehab to look at how it has affected you and what you need to do to recover as well. Al-Anon saved my life--spiritual, emotional and sometimes I think physical as well.
Good luck on your recovery journey. Remember that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. His recovery is all up to him. Take care of you and keep coming back.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Welcome kiddo. There are some great suggestions here. I hope you will attend al-anon meetings. You will find lots of support in this program. It helps to put the focus on you and your recovery. Leave his recovery to him.
Hope that you will continue to reach out for help for YOU. There are wonderful ways for you to learn more about the disease of alcoholism/addiction and ways to learn about taking care of YOU.
Attending meetings, reading literature, posting here and reaching out to other members is what helped me - Hope it helps you also.
Wishing you peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hi Sarah, and welcome. Depending upon the treatment center he is attending, perhaps you could talk to one of the management there about your concerns - this is NOT where AA's "take what you like and leave the rest" is applicable. Hopefully they are professionals, and know what they are doing. If your b/f seems "brainwashed", it's likely because he is in the very early stages of recovery, and is most likely practicing "fake it till you make it", where he may not even believe all the stuff he is being taught just yet, but is trying to do it anyhow.
The fact that he wants to "keep it private" is a red flag to me, that he isn't ready yet to fully accept or embrace that he is an alcoholic, and is still trying to keep his options open for the future, etc...
Regardless, I hope you can heed the advice of others - this is a wonderful time for you to work on you, and your recovery. THis disease has hurt you more than you know, and it is time to focus some of that worry and concern onto Sarah. Read lots, go to meetings, post here, etc....... It will all help bring some clarity for you.
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wow, thanks guys, I really appreciate the support. Luckily the couple friends I did tell, and my family, aren't totally stigmatizing it. My dad is a pastor (and my mom almost was) so he's probably used to this kind of thing. They're all being supportive of both of us.
I just got my wisdom teeth out today, so I can't drive (even though I feel fine and I haven't taken my painkillers) but once I'm back on the road I'll look around and see if I can find a group. Normally I wouldn't, but you all seem to think it's a great idea, so I'll check it out.
His rehab center has family meetings, but I'm pretty sure I'm not involved in those. At least, nobody told me I was, and I talked to him, his mother and I met his therapist. I'm also not sure they're involving his little brother, which I think they should.
I'm going to ask his mother for his therapist's email address and phone number, so I can hopefully talk to him about Matt. I was the only girlfriend they had at visitation because Matt told him how supportive I was and Matt's been doing really well, so I'm pretty sure he'll be willing to talk to me.
I'll probably be sticking around as much as I can, so hopefully I can get to know you guys better. Thanks for the advice and well wishes.
Hey hon, you're doing the right thing by coming here. I've only been here a couple wks and I've noticed some great changes in how I deal with everything - my stress level is way down compared to before.
Thanks for the link, it did help. Our library is pretty pathetic, so I've been having problems actually getting useful information. I'd buy things but I bought Matt like four books and now I'm close to broke until I scrounge up a summer job.
Free pamphlets at meetings! - several are included in the "newcomers' packet", also free.
This central site is a good pointer for the individual states' alanon sites, which usually include lists of meetings: al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm
Welcome to Alanon - "counterintuitive" is a word I use ALL the time to describe my initial feelings. I likened it to learning a foreign language - all the individual words were English, but strung together they made NO sense. It was probably after about 6 weeks that I heard something at a meeting - don't even remember what it was - and instead of thinking, say WHAT?, I thought, oh, I've heard that before - AND I GET IT NOW!
- several are included in the "newcomers' packet", also free.