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I've been feeling a bit mixed up last night and today... different emotions spinning around in my head... I don't know... am getting to a meeting tonight, not sure if it will be AA or Alanon... both meet at the same time... probably need to go to the AA meeting, since my sponsor will be there and she's going out of town in a couple of days... Either way, I think I really need a meeting of some sorts right now. Had been planning to call an AA friend today to meet up for coffee... but was being lazy all day and the coffeeshop closes in 30 minutes... but... that's ok... I needed some rest, I've been so worn out lately...
I don't know... feeling a bit confused, over things I'm thinking and feeling... was up most the night talking to a sober friend online... lately we talk pretty much every night until I go to bed (He's in New Zealand so time zones make it tough to catch each other), and while my bf hasn't been at home, I've just stayed up most the night, wanting to keep talking to my friend and not feeling like getting in bed although I need the sleep and rest... and just had some crazy thoughts pop into my mind last night, confused feelings... and am wondering what on earth is wrong with me... maybe it's just the stress in my relationship right now... I need to back off a bit though, this friend, he has all good intentions, there's nothing actually between us, but I see things going how they did with my boyfriend when we first started our long distance relationship before I moved here, the staying up all night talking, not getting enough rest or getting things done that we needed to do because we were busy talking to each other online or on the phone...
In some ways, feel like I'm heading into a danger zone with this... yet at the same time, the fact that this friend is in New Zealand, and I'm in the US... makes it seem like there's nothing at all to worry about, but I know how even emotional affairs can seriously screw up a relationship, even if your significant other doesn't know about it... it screws with your own mind and makes you less happy in the relationship you are in...
This is one of my major problems, character defect I guess... that feeling like I *have* to be in a relationship... throughout middle school and high school, I jumped from one boyfriend to another... the periods of time my exhusband and I broke up while we were dating, I had other guys I hung out with or messed around with... when I left him, things were already starting with current boyfriend... I do realize it probably would've been better to take the advice I had been given when I left my ex, to take some time to be *alone* for awhile, my counselor down there had actually said I needed a 2-3 year period to be alone, not date, and clean up any baggage that was left there... but of course, I don't listen lol
*sigh* I don't know, things are generally great with my bf... just it's been rough lately... I try to remember the whole idea of "the grass is always greener on the other side" and how that isn't really true... one of the very few sermons I can remember from church, the preacher was talking about that, and about adultery and stuff, and not only about how it's wrong, but also about how it only makes you miserable, that you can keep searching for something that will be better, but you will never find it until you learn to love yourself and appreciate what you do have.
I just... I dunno, I feel like a bad person for even having these thoughts lately... it really threw up a red flag there, because things with my bf started out with an emotional affair online, and it just progressed... my marriage was already more or less over, and ex didn't know what was going on, but when it came out, it just added to all the problems. Maybe I need to make a gratitude list... and work on appreciating what I do have, and look at how good things usually are with us and accept that it won't always be a bed of roses...
Sorry, really rambling here... I just sorta feel like I'm a mess today... I need to get out of myself for a bit... think I'm gonna get some things done around here, and check on my babies - I let them out of the barn today and am being an overprotective worried mama lol and might head into town and find something to do until the meeting tonight...
Thanks for listening... would appreciate any words of wisdom about all this...
((((((Lisa))))))) those racing thoughts are killers, aren't they.
I can relate to thinking I had to have a boyfriend when I was between marriages. Thankfully, I dated just a few times before my youngest daughter was fifteen - after that I screwed up my life and hers, too, by finding bf's who weren't good for me.
Marrying my current H has taught me that I was disallusioned about thinking I had to have a man. Having a man who is good to me would be fabulous, but unfortunately, I never found one like that. Looking back, I wish I had known about the patterns and flags, etc. I wasn't looking for some- one who would be good to me - I was looking for someone who would have me! How sick was that?? I don't know if this is the case with you, but being independent and paying attention to the red flags is mighty important. Hindsight.........
Glad you're with us and that you're going to meetings. I wish you the best.
