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Hey y'all, well, my mind's sorta been on overload a bit lol but was thinking a bit today about the meeting I went to last night, it was a book study, not sure what book it was from actually, but they were just starting on it, so we read the preface and introduction, and it was talking about grief and disappointment. You know, I didn't feel like I got a whole lot out of it actually, but, after reflecting on the meeting and what we talked about, I actually am getting something out of it, it's got me thinking a bit.
I actually realized, while listening to everyone there share, that I do have some grief and disappointment about how things worked out with my marriage... I left my husband in December and moved away, and some people had told me that we could possibly work it out, to not give up on it, but I wasn't willing to work on it, I was tired of it, and honestly wasn't even sure what exactly I was so tired of lol But I knew our marriage wasn't right, and that I wanted to move on, and that with him, I wasn't able to focus on myself and my sobriety enough.
He asked me when I left what he could do to get me to stay, and I told him to try Alanon, and some counseling or anger management... and he said he didn't have a problem and wouldn't do it, so I left.
Something that hit me at that meeting last night, someone said "You don't have to leave to be happy"... it got me thinking a little today, I guess wondering if maybe things could have worked, if I could have been happy with him. I honestly don't really regret leaving, because I am overall happy in my life now, but have that bit of remorse of being 23 and already married and divorced... and it has been a bit hard to let go of 7 years with him (married for almost 3).
I could see after getting sober, that it was a sick marriage, but couldn't see my own part in that. I've had that little thought, wondering if it might have worked if I had seen the whole of my problem and gotten into Alanon myself then. I thought it was all him, I told people that a big reason I was leaving was that I got sober and was working on myself, and he wouldn't work on himself. I couldn't see the codependency in myself then. I obviously wasn't really using the serenity prayer either - "The courage to change the things I can"... I needed to change ME, not HIM.
But, as in the AA promises "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it"... I try to not let myself have regrets. And it's not so much that I regret leaving, I am quite happy in my current relationship, but the meeting last night did get me thinking on that a little.
But what I was able to take from that, is that although things are rough right now with my boyfriend, I don't have to give up, I don't have to leave to be happy. I truly do love him, and want this to work, and so if I work on myself and how I handle things, then maybe things will turn out fine, I can only change and control myself, not him... and if I take care of my side of the street, well, that's all I can do and the rest is in God's hands.
Hello Lisa welcome to mip , we all need to grieve the loss of a relationship , what could have been should have been and wasn't . the decission u made to leave was obviously right for you and thats all that matters . It is really difficult when only one person is changing . I as the non drinker was told that an A dosent have a hope in hell of staying sober going home to an old Idea . I was the old idea ,we all have to change not just the alcoholic in our lives , we say we want to support the alcoholic but few are willing to get a program of thier own- to me it's the best way to support the efforts at sobriety the alcoholic makes . I need to figure out what makes me tick not him . I will never truly understand this disease and how it affected him anymore than he will understand how his drinking affected me . Sobriety is not the answer to al lof our problems but it helps . good luck Louise
Aloha Lisa...your discription of what's going on in your program reminds me of a slow release medication. Recovery doesn't come right away but over time and that is why I got the suggestion that I got from those who came before me and the slogans which I have tatooed inside of my skull.
In Al-Anon and in the other program also (but not as often), we are taught that we can start our day (or life) all over again at anytime. There are requirements (many) and suggestions (more than many) that we will need to consider and consider following thru on.
We need feedback and then feedback done humbly (with an attitude of being teachable) comes from asking for help on many things from our sponsor and from others we trust or one of consequences is that we find ourselves "cycling" or going around in circles. Some of the people in our life may change and we are finding ourselves still in the problem; "doing the same things over again, expecting different results." I was given that definition of insanity not only from Al-Anon but also from my other recovery program.
I by the way had the same attitude and said the same thing your ex-husband said. In Feb I celebrated my 28 year in the AFG. HP is more cunning, powerful and baffling than this disease. I started out resistant and stubborn and then....here I am!! All things change and many times because I stop trying to make things change or just "let go and let God."
Keep hanging around this family and watch what happens. While you're at it have a few (((((hugs)))))
Congrats on your sobriety and recovery! That's awsome! Watching my A recover reminds of how hard it is on you. You're very brave. I'm glad you've found us. Welcome to the MIP family.
My hubby has been sober a year now, and I wouldn't give up my program for anything. The dynamics of a sober relationship vs. one that is active is very different. I cling to my program now more than ever.
Don't be so hard on yourself about your past relationship. Remember you did the best you could at that moment. We weren't the same people back then. So you take those lessons from the past, learn and move on.
I love the idea of you having a farm. My husband grew up on a farm and I think it's a wonderful way to spend your days. :home:
Love and blessings to you and your family. Love to the animals too!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks for your honesty. I don't think that we will ever know how things would have turned out if we took a different road. In my relationship my AHsober left and didn't want to try. I think that the grief is real. I go to Alanon, read the literature, and try to work the 12 steps. I grieve for what was and what could have been. I don't know that he grieves at all.
I understand grief - I've grieved more over what the divorce did to my children than I have over my ex. My ex was cheating on me for a long time before I became suspicious enough that he had to make a decision. He chose to leave instead of getting counseling. I went through grief during the marriage.
My children suffered the most and it's right in my face but I've gotten better at Live and let live. My ex married the woman whose grown children are all on alcohol and drugs. This has affected my grown children who have become close to their step brothers and have had practicing alcoholics living with them.
There's a lot to grieve when alcohol or drugs are involved. I pray a lot for my adult children and my grandchildren that they truly find an HP, come out of denial, and get involved in a 12-step program (and therapy).
I believe grief is necessary and healthy for our healing and that grief is a part of life.
Al-Anon has taught me not to beat myself up for what happened in the past. When I grieve now, if it's about the past that I can't change, I try to remember to ask myself what I can learn from it. Then I go on with my life. The serenity prayer has helped me tremendously.
Carolena, what you said about grieving more for what it was doing to your kids, than grieving for your ex... I can kinda relate to that. We didn't have any kids involved, thankfully... but I found myself crying before I moved away, absolutely bawling, and it was over leaving my 2 kitties behind... lol I couldn't bring them with me because they are declawed and couldn't be on the farm... And leaving my little nieces and nephew and godson... and my little brother... because when I left, I moved 12 hours away from home where all my family is... I didn't have much choice in where to go. But I never once cried over leaving my ex, I cried a bit at first, when I first told him I was leaving, because I knew it was hurting him... but that's it. It had really been over to me for quite awhile, actually as far back as about 6 months after we got married.
We do still talk, I actually called him yesterday because I hadn't talked to him in awhile... neither of us wants to get back together, or work things out, or anything... but we had said when we split up that we'd try to stay friends... well, for awhile, we were talking way too much, long phone calls every day... I had to back that off, it wasn't good for me, and probably wasn't good for him either. I think in some way we were trying to hang on to what we used to have together years ago... I saw him 3 times while I was down in Memphis last month visiting family... short visits, just grabbing some fast food or coffee together... it wasn't too bad... but a couple of times I'd call because I was in the area he lives in, and he'd tell me that I wouldn't want to hang out with him, he had someone over and they were drinking.
I lived with him for a month after we decided to split up, me sleeping on the couch, and us trying to remain civil as "roommates"... because it was so up in the air about when exactly I could make the move. About 3 weeks after we decided to split up, he told me he wanted me out cuz he wanted to be able to have girls over and be able to keep beer in the fridge (he at least wouldn't keep alcohol in the house while I was getting sober, did his drinking elsewhere). He was already dating someone else while I was still there, and I had my long-distance relationship thing starting with my current boyfriend...
That month of living together but not *being* together... it was tough, but there was so much during that time that at least kept me remembering why I was leaving... some of my family actually were very supportive in my moving away, for the fact that they worried if I stayed in Memphis, I would go back to him... we broke up several times when we were dating and I always went back, and he always took me back... sickness on both our parts lol
we don't talk nearly as much now, maybe once a week, if that... I think we're both starting to let go a bit... we're both in new relationships, I hardly see him online now, and he hasn't called me at all, he waits for me to call him... wondering if I need to just totally let go now and stop calling... just every now and then after not seeing him online much, I just want to check on him, make sure he's ok... I've only talked to him twice since my trip down there though.
Sorry, I don't know why I'm going into all this right now... I started replying and all this just sorta poured out... lol Well, I'll stop my rambling... sorry, you'll find out I ramble a whole lot lol
Watching my A recover reminds of how hard it is on you. You're very brave. I'm glad you've found us. Welcome to the MIP family. 