The material presented
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This depression is not lifting and since yeasterday I feel like I have gotten worse. I cry and get mad and feel better for a bit after but never feel great or happy. Or even relieved. Just sad. And then they've started a public service campagane for couples. Every stinkin 10 minutes they show some happy couple and say some crap about communicating and taking care of each other and yourself. AAGGGGHHHHH! Like I need that? LOL! I know, get off the couch and do something! But there is my problem. I have been so good about just keep going but for some reason today I feel completly defeated and I just want to give in to this depression, sit on this couch and not move. My house is a mess. I mean gross mess. I have a date tonight with an active alcoholic. Going to see a show. He is kind and expects nothing from me. I guess I feel it is the best I can do at the moment. But as the day wears on I am feeling like just blowing off the whole thing and sitting here, alone and crying. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, at least this doesn't feel like pity to me. I am just incredibly sad and I'm praying, and listening and it doesn't seem to be helping. I am willing. Like God doesn't believe me! I swear I am willing and ready to be relieved.
If this is what you need today then meet your needs. If it feels really bad step outside in the sunshine and spout off a few things you are grateful for.
Remember that song "Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks? Sometimes that's the way it works. I always remember too that HP gave us free will. I am a bit different then some in that I don't depend on HP to fix things for me that I have created. Every choice I've made in life has brought me where I am, right here. Let's just say I don't buy the Book Of Life theory, that everything is predestined and written. If that were the case I wouldn't have any choices, good or bad. Happiness within you sweetie, Take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am just coming up from what was a pretty gross depression. I prayed and prayed too, for release from it. I went around and did what I absolutely needed to do, but LONGED for the soft couch and the Discovery Health Channel . . . and sleep.
Something different about this time though, I said "F" it and stopped "trying" to feel any other way than I did. If I was sleepy during the day (unheard of, really) I slept. I ate what ever the heck I wanted, and didn't force myself to eat if I didn't want to. I stopped trying to "get busy". This always works for me, but this time I felt so bad I'd just stumble around, lose things, get frustrated and cry.
And those damn commercials, no kidding, even worse crying at a stupid commercial with actors pretending to be in love. Good grief.
I don't have anything but experience to offer you. I just stopped trying to not be depressed. In a way I gave myself permission to be really low energy, really sad, and afraid. My only relief was a nap.
I found I did not want to feel better. I resisted feeling better. Like in Ecclesiastes (I think!) where the prophet goes on about "a time to sow, a time to reap" it was a time to honor just how sad and screwed up my beloved is, and how helpless and angry at Life I can get.
This lasted a good week, and yesterday and today I am getting my usual self back. I know the promises of Alanon, but it's not realistic to expect to feel happy joyous and free 24/7, stuff happens, we're human, and sometimes it is a time for grieving losses. We Alanoiacs have serious losses to grieve. I give myself permission from now on, when it's on me, to grieve, nap, stare at the Discovery channel and eat oatmeal for dinner.
Serendipity yea i deal with the Deppression too. I used to have when i was with my "A" and funny thing we broke up long after I still had it! Dang! I wanted to blame it all on my X. I had a friend tell me some days we get a lot done and recover and some days we are winning if we can just stay the same. My house has been a mess before too for weeks. All it takes is one day of cleanning at that will turn around. So don't stress take care of yourself. If staying home is what you need that is fine. I know that was part of my grieving. There will come a time when going out will sound better at least it did for me. I can to the chat often that helped too. You are not alone. You will get through this period. I know that I have never had a single feeling last forever.... sadness and hurt does go away over time. I know that going to face to face meetings really help too. I am sure you know all the stuff I am saying. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Many of us have been there and in time we get through it. You will be smiling at the sunshine in time. I hope you are very kind to yourself. That is the best gift my sponsor keep giving to me. tells me to love and honor my feelings no matter how wierd or wrong I might feel. Not always act on things but if I am sad then that is ok and that does not mean I am not working a good program. It is just part of the grieving process. I wish you well you will get through this. I would say that over and over I will get through this dark time,, over and over the sun will shine for me again over and over ... amazing how it made a difference in a few days. Smiles and prayer you way, Mindful:)
