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I have thought about this here and there and then reading lunamoth's post made me think once again I am reading my own story. Almost anyway. What I was wondering is if A's truly love their children or just see them as a tool to keep women/men attached to them so that they can continue to use. Then I started wondering are they capable of truly LOVING anyone? This got me to thinking about my A sure he says he loves me he loves the kids but his actions say otherwise. When he comes to visit or writes the kids it's always about me. Why me I wonder does he really love me or is it just that he's so used to me taking care of him and fixing his problems that he loves the idea of the me I was? Kind of like I love the idea of who he was and lived on hope for years that he would turn back into that guy.
I am in such a bad place. I really believe the answer is NO. They cannot love anyone. My ex was the same way when he was in rehab. He'd call and even though I had called it quits with him he'd never even ask about the kids. It was all about me. I mean I would tell him things that were going on with the kids and he didn't care. He'd just want to talk about me or us or whatever. I know my ex and I always joked that he'd get me pregnant just to trap me. But now, looking back I believe that might have been what it was for him. It wasn't like he was bringing children into this world for some altruistic reason. He has a disease that includes selfishness as one of it's major symptoms. Recently, my ex says he misses me. Not that he loves me, he misses me. And I understand that. I miss him too, so badly I don't think I can stand it. But I believe it's because I love him. Not just missing the familiarity, the comfortableness of him. I really miss him. I miss the love. But I am sick also, in a different way.
My experience with my AH has been when he's actively drinking and using life is usually about him. While he say's he's interested in what me and the kids are doing his actions are not showing that. Most times on the weekends we would do things without him because he'd be too tired from his night of partying to come hang with us. When he is sober and working on recovery such as now, he is more attentive and strives to keep those small promises that he makes to them. He remembers what it felt like to have a father who was disengaged and disappointing and he wants to be better. Active or sober, I know he loves them more than anything. How do I know this? I just remember when they came into our lives the tenderness he had with them. The energy and effort he put into making sure they had everything they needed. The pain and the tears he's shed when he was not home with us because of the disease and the choices he's made. I do believe that A's have the capacity to love other's, but it would be on that emotional age level that they're at, say 15 or 16 years old. I think as the A grows in their sobriety and program they have an opportunity to mature in how they see and perceive love. Just my take on it.
Have a wonderful weekend, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
On one hand, I think after a certain point in their disease they are incapable of giving thought to their loved ones, their own diseased mind and it's dramas and obsessions take up all their mental and emotional energy.
Plus, since the loved ones are usually pretty unhappy about their behavior, confront them a lot with the truth and their own pain, this interferes with their need to use, which makes *loved ones* into "the enemy". The enemy of the alcoholism that is.
I agree that actions speak louder than words, and I try to let it go at that point. Still, I think about this stuff too, it was part of my job when I worked in the rehab, and you are in the "field" as well.
M. Scott Peck's Road Less Traveled book says Love is an action, not a feeling. Love is taking an active position in another's physical, mental and spiritual well being.
To me, it sounds like love is one of those "higher order" human emotions, and to truly love someone else, as opposed to needing them for whatever, you have to be relatively mentally and emotionally healthy.
My A (when he's actually home) tells me he loves me with great feeling. For a while it felt like an assault, and I wanted to reject his words. As I work on releasing my anger I feel more grief than anything. He believes he loves me. He uses "those words", but what he actually means is something else, whatever. It hurts so much, but you know what? I say "I love you too," because that is the truth.
I have to disagree. I think it depends on the person. My AH ALWAYS asks about the kids when he calls, even before he went into treatment. He rarely asked how I was doing. His whole concern has always been his kids. In fact, that was how he hit his "rock bottom" realizing that is he continued to live his life this way he would not be around for his children, and that was a horrible reality for him. When he realized that he wouldnt be able to be the father he wanted to be, he cheked himself into treatment the next day. His kids are his life. so I do believe A's can love, it just depends on the person.
My husband was a MAJOR drinker for over 20 yrs. but I can not think of any time that I didn't know I was loved. I agree karrele, it depends on the person (I don't care for labels). My husband never hit me, went to jail, spent all our money or wrecked our cars either.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 16:12, 2007-06-15
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Mine also always asks how are the kids EVERY SINGLE TIME!! When he comes around, he pays a tiny bit of attention to them and then it's off to whatever he wants to do. He acts like it hurts him to be away from them but they have gotten one letter in 9 months. ONE!! I like that statement that love is an action. I might not always be nice but I'm always there and my kids know they can count on me to do what I say I will. Someone once told me that 99% of life is just showing up and I think I really believe that now.
I too was always alone with the kids on the weekends and at least now I don't have to deal with a guilt trip when I get home! I think him acting like being without the kids causes him pain is just another manipulation on me - ooooh look at him he loves our children...he wants to be a dad...he loves them...I shouldn't keep him from his children - nevermind the fact that he acts like a piece of crap and doesn't give them a 2nd look 99% of the time when he lives with us.
I do believe and know that addicts are certainly capable of being loving, compassionate human beings. It's when they are in the throws of their disease that they can't. Their disease doesn't allow them to be rationale. Their disease only cares about one thing - keeping them active. Go to an AA meeting and listen to some people speak about how bad they feel that have ruined their family and friends. It's a tough burden to bear. Are there awful people out there who don't love their children? Absolutely - just look at the papers. I'm guessing some of these people are not addicts, but with their share of problems. No one I know wanted to be an addict. No one grows up wanting to be an addict. It's a cunning, baffling, powerful disease. Unfortunately, it takes victims along the way besides them.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
