taking it one day at a time - Al-Anon Family Group

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

taking it one day at a time

karrele · Member

If he starves, it is by his choice. He expects you to swoop in which is probably why he's not staying with his uncle. It's easier said than done, but try to be strong. No one will starve unless by choice. There are many many homeless shelters that he can go to and get a meal. The longer he is forced to stay at his "rock bottom" the better for him I think. It let's him know that this is all up to him now. Maybe it will be the awakening he needs.

Hang in there. You sound like you're doing what you feel is right for you.

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I think for most of us the detaching comes in stages. I know I wasn't ready to just cut and run in the beginning. The best thing I did for myself was resist the urge to make snap decisions. Step back and put on the facade of being in control and do the exact opposite of what I wanted to do. I made sure to NEVER make a decision or do anything without thinking about it in great detail first. Although there were many times I did it anyway and it almost always ended up bad. He EXPECTS you to be his mommy. Mine did too. Eventually he will figure out that you're not his mommy and he'll latch onto someone else who will be. I know that's hard for me to accept but I know after watching for nine months that it is just the way it will be. I know what hell she has in store for her - whoever her may be at the moment. I wonder sometimes why we mourn the loss of something that was never really worth keeping in the first place?

Mindful · Member

Maresie, your concern and struggle is very understandable. I am a double winner( have earned the right to belong to both programs). On the alanon side I know first hand how hard it is to not step in and try to fix/help/rescue someone. It has been the hardest thing I have ever did. As I said I am also a recovering addict (17years clean). I know that nothing anybody did to try to help me really helped. I had to reach a point when it was just not worth the pain of the way I was living.(this is so hard to see a loved one do) I had to reach out to meetings and other addicts. My wife, parents and employer could not be the one that helped me. I had to, on my own reach out to other recovering addicts and that was the start for me. I know you probably have heard all this before. But what my wife and parents did only assisted me in staying high! No matter what their intentions were. I know it is sad but true, at least in my situation. I think it is true for most addicts I know.
So back to the alanon side of me LOL kind of like the cereal with two sides :) I know that letting someone go as low as they need to was much harder for me to do than to get clean myself. Because we think we know how to help them... and we might have ideas but they already know this most often. It is usually more about them really hitting a bottom where THEY say this is enough. Sadly it is not about when we think they are at their bottom.
So what have learned when in this situation is really focus on going to meetings, my life, my goals, my friends, doing things that are good for me. If I feel like I have to help... go to a shelter and volunteer.. which i have done and surprisingly has really helped a few times.
They will get this program when they are ready not a moment sooner and we just are not powerful enough in their lives to get them there... we are powerful enough in our own lives to make a difference. It is a shift in focus not an easy one. But in the long run a worth while one though. I wish you well, I would go out and do something fun for yourself. Sounds like you deserve it :) Prayers you way, mindful.

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((maresie)))

Keep taking it one day at a time, you are doing great. Remember that these times are not permanent, its just for a season and it will pass. I hope you have a peaceful weekend.

Hugs,
Twinmom~

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Well he did go get food stamps for himself at his Uncles urging. So yes he is not starving.

I am not sure about the homeless shelter issue. In the area we live in after a certain amount of time you have to pay for the shelter like $300.00 a month something like that. How are you supposed to make it out of there then?

The big issue is now the economy has improved rents are through the roof. So its hard to find somewhere. I am sure when he hooks up to something at the VA they will give him a hotel voucher. In the meantime one person (a social worker) gave him $10.00.

He isn't using at the moment. He is not even smoking which for me is very very very welcome

At the same time he is in denial.

So am I really. If I let too much in at a time the situation overwhelms me so I take it one day at a time.

Maesie.

karrele · Member

I know it's hard, especially when you love that person so much. Funny thing though, I was reading my "one day at a time" book over lunch. For today's date the reminder is:

I understand that the First Step demands that I surrender the reins of control over other human beings. It reminds me that my life has become unmanageable; my first task is to set it in order. If I earnestly want to manage my life, I will have no time to manage anyone else's

Kind of fitting..... Hope it helps you.

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

thanks for all the replies. The A asked me to book him a hotel room today. I normally would but I already put out a whole lot last weekend. I felt it was an emergency so I put out some money. This weekend I am holding back. I may have found him somewhere. It is not the best sitation but it is somehting. He needs to feel the urgency of it. If I book one hotel room he'll ask me to book another.

I am going to go get my hair done instead. I hope that doesn't sound selfish when he is sleeping out.

I really gave to him last week when he came back from his being homeless jaunt. He has some work leads. I feel he has to feel the urgency of it.

I also think I have to be super clear that I am not joining him.

One of the biggest mistakes of my life was jumping in and buying a truck which was to be used by him. That mistake was so so so costly to me. I will never do it again.

He has never had a clue how resentful I was of being put in that postion. These days now the way I see it I had many many more choices than buying a truck he could use.

I have regretted that decision so many times. For me it has almost been a write off of thousands of dollars.

He has a car he could fix and give me. He's always talked about it but never done it.

I need comfort and understanding too. My hair is a huge issue for me. I am going to go get it done tomorrow.

I am not going to tell certain friends of mine about that. They seem to think I should stand on my head for him in the name of "love". I'm not going to .

I will help him but not to the extent that I go without. I did that I know where it got me so toxic with resentment I was nonfunctional.

If he needs a hotel he knows where the cheap ones are. He can get them.

I am not going to spend my entire paycheck on him.

Maresie.

theemediapro · Newbie

Hello,

I am trying to help a family member who has been smoking and drinking beer and alcohol for many years curb the appetite for them and eventually rid of them I wanted to know what hebrs, vitamins and minerals are most helpful for those who have done this for many years? I found by reading that heavy drinkers tend to have low levels of the B complex vitamins, to low levels of vitamin C, and most essential amino acids because protein is usually lacking in the very poor diet of drinkers, vitamin C can be used, this vitamin is also very important in strengthening the body when used along with vitamin E, withdrawal symptoms and craving for alcohol can be rid of with B-complex vitamins along with glutamine, and kudzu vine extracts. I undertsand that detoxification is essential and the liver of alcoholics has usually had some injury and in order to strengthen and restore the liver function while detoxifying the body milk thistle along with the amino acid NAC (N-acetylcysteine) and phosphatidylcholine. I just need to know is there ONE pill or maybe even 2 that has ALL this and whatever else woudl be needed to get healthy? I was told to contact support groups like Alcoholics Anonymous to get help because it was safer to work with a specialist/healthcare provider as well as those who have taken the herbs vitamins and minerals themselves.

Thank you for any help you can give,

Ms. Jefferson

-- Edited by tea2 at 16:29, 2007-06-16

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.