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I am so freakin' stressin' out right now. I am just getting so tired of being the only one to contribute financially to my household. My AH just started a new job this week and it is a good steady job w/a good company. He has worked w/them before and they know his history. So that is good.
Problem, he hasn't really given me any money in a year. When he first moved back home, he was very uneasy asking me for money for gas or food or anything else. But it seems to be getting easier for him. A lot easier. For the small stuff like cigarettes, movie rentals...that sort of thing, he just asks if I have any cash. I respond honestly to these questions.....no, if I don't. Or yes, I literally have $20 to get me through until my next paycheck. Something to that affect. When he needs more than a few dollars - like $65 to fill up his truck, he gets all annoyed and frustrated, complaining about how he needs gas in his truck in order to get to work or to a drug test or something. Then I feel guilty about it and end up filling his truck up w/my credit card. (it is the only way I have to pay for anything right now). Then, after I do this, he is all happy and affectionate. He seems to have no problem taking my money and saying he'll pay me back. Even when he is leaving me without a dime. Right now he "owes" me a ton of money. I don't think he even thinks about how much he owes me.
So this is all just really starting to get to me. I just found out last night that he is smoking a pack of cigarettes a day now. I gave him money Wed & Thurs for cigs. Thurs he left his pack at a jobsite so when he got home, he ate all the food I had in the house b/c he couldn't smoke. I told him I couldn't afford his cigarettes but I sure as hell couldn't afford all the food he eats when he isn't smoking. On top of that, he ate all of my candy bars that I bought for MYSELF just the other day. ARRGGG!!!!! Don't mess w/me and my chocolate.
This morning I went to get lunch money from my purse for my son. I had a $10 bill that I gave to my AH last night to get his cigs. He said he had $2 and only needed another $2. I told him to break my $10 bill so I could give our som lunch money for today.....he did but he didn't use any of his dollars. He gave me $6 back...not $8. And I know it is only $2 we are talking about but by the time I gave my son $5 for lunch, it left me w/1 buck. How is that fair? That I am the one that goes to work EVERY DAY and never get any of my own money?
On top of that, my AH had the nerve to say that I am always buying stuff last night. I went to the store to buy my daughter some new markers (her old ones had run dry) and some sticker labels to price up our stuff for our yard sale. Well, I decided to buy my daughter and me matching flip flops for our beach vacation next month. Now we are talking flip flops people - not designer leather shoes. FLIP FLOPS!!! and he had the nerve to say something to me about spending money. MY MONEY. I said, WHAT? I NEVER BUY ANYTHING UNLESS IT IS FOR THE KIDS. He said you just spent money at the Dollar Tree the night before. Well, hmmm, let's think that one over. IT WAS THE DOLLAR TREE!!! And on top of that, it was the candy the he just cleaned me out of that I bought. So What The Heck Is He Complaining About?
All I can say is his butt better give me money from his paycheck tonight. And I am not talking $5 or $10. I am talking atleast 1/2 of it.
Ok, I am getting madder and madder as I type. Time to sit back and take a breather. Thanks for listening.
When the A and I were together he would give me his entire paycheck and he had a credit card for gas, cigs., etc. I find myself asking the question why you took him back in with no job, money, etc. and are expecting to have a different person in his place? These big addict guys are expensive to support with all their food eating and cigarette smoking, I know. Plus the gas for their trucks and boots for their work and probably some tools or something. It's just like having another child only a big whiny child who EXPECTS to get everything they want FROM YOU! If it was me 1/2 his first check wouldn't cut it. It would be You pay me everything now or hit the road. You have been paying for everything for him and there's not one single reason that he shouldn't give you every dime he has. Just my opinion.
QOD, wow that made me mad just reading it. Made my stomach crunch up!! to say I relate is putting it mildly.
I worked, my taxes came out of my paycheck. He was self employed. I always got money back and used it to pay my house taxes...
Well stupid me listened to his accountant, signed the d tax forms with A. Great, he leaves after sucking me dry, and guess who had to pay back thousands every year???
I wanted to buy a nice car. Thought his crap was finished. He had worked so I figured they would use his returns to pay his back taxes. OH NO would not want to do that, they paid his frigging court fees and took MINE again. so I ams still driving a 78 Chevy shortbed pickup. I love my truck, but can you imagine gas???? Gets maybe 10 mpg.
When I completely quit buying him anything, he left. Hey girl have your A buy lose tobacco and make his own. It is easy, he can get the filter and paper and put it in this little cheap machine thing and make them.
Have you discussed your expectation of him bringing income into the home? His thought will be, I have to have enough to fill my addictions.
All I know is I can control me. He has lost all respect for you and the boundaries. I would be sitting down writing them on a piece of paper.
do not ask me for money do not comment on how I spend my money bring "amount" into the home one time a week
Why does he need a truck that eats so much gas to go to work?
OMG girl I was supporting my AH, I was telling someone on the phone how I was going to the gas station to get gas, ran out about 10 feet before the pump. These two guys pushed my truck for me.
then they were getting 87 cents of gas... I told the gas attendant, put $5 in their tank...
A over heard me and said how can you do that when WE don't have enough. rrrrr oh man wrong thing to say. I had the same career for 18 years, have my bachelors degree, bought two houses my self... rrrrrr
gads a sore point with me too!The disease only sees to take care of itself.
I bet he is freaking about knowing he "should" put money into the house...to his disease, he is this little island.
He will be mad you want HIS money.
I hope you update us tonight and I am wrong....
glad you got it out. I am sure a bunch of us will follow and get it out too!!!
OH and get this... I had to BUY this pickup from him. could cuss right now. But I wanted MY truck. He bought another one too, our son has that one.
AND wayyyy back, my son and I forgave the back child support he owed. $10,000!! He was sober in aa and doing great.
It is the usual what his is his and whats mine is his. sick.
LOL! ya think this stirkes a chord in us alanoners? Man, The money that I have freely given my A. The money I borrowed from others so that my A didn't have to go without! He hasn't even attempted to repay anyone. He is running around with a whole new wardrobe, new sneakers, new cell, in the program, working and NOT PAYING CHILD SUPPORT!!!!!!!!!! Acting as if I have been the one who is sick and wrong and he is just this great, hard working guy. I paid his rent, paid for his gas, drove his dumbass around to meetings, and I'm the one yet again who is scraping change out of the couch to buy a half a gallon of milk for the kids. I refuse to do foodstamps again. There is no reason if I go by what he says ( that he is sane and sober) for him not to be giving me support for the kids. I enabled him to live a good life and now his new skank is enabling him to ignore his responsibilities. I have heard time and again that his seeing the kids should not be based on wether he pays support or not but why should he not pay support if he chooses not to see the kids. It is so easy for me to get lost in the anger of the financials of an A. I agree that writing it down might be a good idea. Also, the no expectations thing might help too. If you give it don't expect to get it back, ever. I know we should be able to trust that our partner is a grown up who understands but they are A's and that is not the reality. Good luck, sorry for the vent....like Debilyn said......next!
Oh man can I relate to this stress!! LOL When AH was gone I did not get any money from his for the 2 mos. he was away. So because of that I am behind on everything. He does have a job and has his own financial responsibilities to take care of or else it means big trouble, so I don't think he'll be making any quick decisions with his work situation. One thing I stated before even allowing him to come home was having several discussions about how I would like to see the finances in the home. I'm not interested in taking over his responsibilites, that means his gas, cigs, studio time, extras. Just not my problem. I have enough on my plate and I've had enough of me sacrificing my hard earned income for his needs, wants, and desires. Girl you have your own needs, and if you want to buy your daughter markers and a pair of flip flops its your dang right!!! Yeah I guess this does strike a cord in us; you are doing your share paying the bills, working hard, raising your children. Were's his liability, what is he contributing? Basically I said to my AH, if you don't work, you don't eat, and don't look to me to pay your bills, gas, etc. You will be S.O.L. dude and that is that!!!
My sponser really encouraged me last year and this year that I am entitled to my financial peace. So I'm working really hard on my plans to get to financial peace and freedom. Its' not easy and I am having to be patient in executing these plans, I no longer want to depend on my AH or anyone for my financial freedom and peace. I don't make much money as it is. My children and I will have a roof over our heads, gas in the car, food on the table, and maybe a little extra to do some fun things with and that's about it. I really am having to come to terms with the fact that I'm not going to have a whole lot left over. So whatever AH contributes to the house, that will be a bonus, but I am really trying hard to just depend on HP to meet my financial needs.
One boundary at a time QOD, I'll keep you in prayers for that financial peace. Have a wonderful weekend, take some time for you if you can.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
(((QOD))) Remember "NO" is a complete sentence. I would think rental movies are not a necessity.
At least you have something to show for your money (flip flops). The money you gave him goes up in smoke. What's he got to show for it besides the black lungs you bought him?
I hope this ends for you since he's working. If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I ahte giving him money at all. Today he calls me and tells me how he has to work early tomorrow and that his boss couldn't give him his paycheck today so he has no money and he will get it tomorrow morning but could I lend him $150 until Sunday when I see him with the baby on Father's Day!!!! He is on the last drop of oil...last time the oil truck came he was hung over and didn't hear the guy knocking ont he door so they left. It is so ridiculous. A grown 37 year old man cannot pay one bill but me being 26 can just so happen to pay all of them and he is ok with this??? It is like I am a walking ATM machine.
Baby steps and boundaries!!! He is still on baby steps and you need boundaries for what you are comfortable in helping with and what you are not. Only you know his gas mileage and distance to work, so maybe do the math together with him, if you r ok with helping with that, as an example.
The cigs use to be a big battle ground with me and my ex. I had 2 little kids and we were struggling and I didn't get it, especially when he would want to drive 5 miles to get them. Gas was only a $1 something then, but when you are struggling every little bit helps. I tried bribing him with things he really wanted and he would only quit (in front of me) until he got what he wanted. Smoking addiction is more powerful than cocaine, by expert opinion ( not me). So maybe you can set boundaries like no smoking in the house which will make it less convienent for him. No smoking at home in front of the kids period. I don't know, just throwing out ideas.
Money matters suck, never an easy answer. I do know getting obsessed or stressing out about money matters never solves anything. Least not for me. If someone has some sure fire advice about money that works, other than ( Let Go, and Let God) they would be more popular than the Beatles in the 60's.
Love ya girl!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
