The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm invading the clearance racks to get new clothes for work. And right now I'm "should-ing" all over myself. I'm thinking "I should be past this phase of my guilt. I should be past this phase of shame. I should be past this phase of the itty bitty shi**y comitte. I should be able to suggest to others how to spend money on themselves in love without feeling as if they need to roll all over broken glass first. I should be able to function like a normal human being." Should. Should being the operative word. Yeah, not so much. I dumped a guy yesterday that was under the delusion that "no" meant "Yes, later" especially when it came to anything physical. I feel like crap because anytime my mom got wind **I** did the dumping next thing I knew I heard all about how I must be out of my mind for ending what was a perfectly good relationship and how obviously I was at fault for not being the best darn thing since sliced bread otherwise he wouldn't be the way he is. Whenever I **got** dumped, obviously I wasn't good enough for him and what did I do to piss him off so darn much that he told me to hit the road? Better figure it out to get him back--fast! I knew I needed to update my wardrobe when one of our more "senior members" at the store took me aside and said "I really don't want to embarass you, and I'm really sorry if I do, but your pants are so thin I can see your underwear." *sigh* I've known for a long time I've been overdue to get new clothes, especially if I'm serious about getting a job and going out on job interviews. Or going to grad school interviews. Or, as a more respectful, caring guy in my life (yes, that one bonnie) suggested, the law school interviews. But at the same time it's like "I don't deserve it." I guess I just need a permission slip signed by al anon to remind me that when I don't think I deserve it I especially need to go the extra mile for myself. That I'm a lovely, loving, extra cool child of god, no better or less than anyone else. And that, *ahem*, the pants that show underwear gotta go. With new ones.
You, my friend, are totally worth new pants. New undies too! I wish I could tell you and make you believe how much your posts have helped me in this past year. While you're out there get a new pair of funky shoes and maybe something really frivioulous like a pair of earrings!
Christy wrote: *Please sweep up the feathers of the crow after you finish dining. -- Edited by Christy at 16:42, 2007-06-14 WHAA do explain....anyway I feel like that when I buy myself somethin new (not often AT ALL) but sometimes I have to (for work) and when I get that feeling (everytime) I just say to myself : I DO deserve this, I am a good woman, I have earned this, I have worked hard for this (both at home and at work!! work is home TOO!!) - as corny as it sounds it really helps. Don't feel bad and yeah buy you some new bras n panties from Victoria's secret while you're at it!!!! They have some good sales sometimes (in case ur freakin abt price! which is how I am).
Go buy it, run home and immediately dispose of the bags and tags, throw that stuff in the wash and fold it, hang it or put it on! You are worthy! You are deserving!! And you don't need me to tell you that, but I will anyhow.
I'm sweeping up my feathers at the moment! This time for real!
I spent years blaming, trying to figure out the why my dad did the things he did. This is what I learned. Everyone around alcoholism is affected by the disease. This included all my family. My mom who I was angry with for being weak and making bad decisions. My sister for being a b****. My other family members for the wrongs they did....This analyzing and negative thinking and blaming (that was a big one) kept me trapped for years, way too long. I regret wasting so many years to this, even though I know this was what HP had wanted for me?
Anyway, I prayed hard, and I am now being set free. I can see that everyone is truly sick in their ows ways. They are not out to get me, to hurt me as I had thought. They are in fact insecure and unable in a lot of ways. They may come accross as harsh and hurtful. This is what hurt people do.
Hurt people hurt people.
Really my mom wanted the best for me. I didn't always accept this. I was too busy being shocked at the way she spoke to me, at the things she said....
However, I now recognise her illness. I was not the only one caught up in it. I see it all around me. The low self esteem in my family is very shocking to me. For years. I was in victim mode and couldn't see this.
Now I see the depth of the sickness, and I am lucky enough to be in recovery myself, I can actually understand some of their guilt and regret, or at least recognise it is there. This is helping me to forgive. An d we all know how tough this one is. But I believe I am now able to begin that process.
Its all babysteps tiger. Just because you slip back now and then, don't lose sight of the huge progress you have made. Your recovery has helped me a lot to where I am today. I need your strength.
I guess I just need a permission slip signed by al anon to remind me that when I don't think I deserve it I especially need to go the extra mile for myself.
((((Tiger))))
let me see..... I think I have one around here somewhere..... shuffle, shuffle...clank...screeeeech! bang...bump bump bump..
Aha!!! Here it is!!! you can cut his out and keep it handy for next time ya need it! .................................................................................................................
*****AL-ANON PERMISSION SLIP*****
The Person in possession of this slip has permission to be nice to themself. To treat themself with dignity, love and respect. To give their needs the same importance as the needs of all. To go the "extra mile" to cherish themselves as the beautiful Child of God they are.
Signed: Al-anon Family Groups Expiration date: None .................................................................................................................
Regarding your mother's responses to either/both situations regarding boyfriends, remember this my sweet ~
"Don't look for your own image in a broken mirror."
That's the gift of recovery.
Regarding your clothes hon, sometimes fiscal restraints dictate that perhaps we need to be more frugal. I am proud of you for being fiscally responsible. Most college kids I know don't have any money but you are investing educationally in your future.
Don't compare your insides to other's outsides. If other people comment on your clothes love, they are just ignorant or insensitive. I, for one, love your heart and soul.
Maria
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I feel like crap because anytime my mom got wind **I** did the dumping next thing I knew I heard all about how I must be out of my mind for ending what was a perfectly good relationship and how obviously I was at fault for not being the best darn thing since sliced bread otherwise he wouldn't be the way he is. Whenever I **got** dumped, obviously I wasn't good enough for him and what did I do to piss him off so darn much that he told me to hit the road? Better figure it out to get him back--fast! 
*sigh* I've known for a long time I've been overdue to get new clothes, especially if I'm serious about getting a job and going out on job interviews. Or going to grad school interviews. Or, as a more respectful, caring guy in my life (yes, that one bonnie) suggested, the law school interviews. 
But at the same time it's like "I don't deserve it." 
do explain....anyway I feel like that when I buy myself somethin new (not often AT ALL) but sometimes I have to (for work) and when I get that feeling (everytime) I just say to myself : I DO deserve this, I am a good woman, I have earned this, I have worked hard for this (both at home and at work!! work is home TOO!!) - as corny as it sounds it really helps. Don't feel bad and yeah buy you some new bras n panties from Victoria's secret while you're at it!!!! They have some good sales sometimes (in case ur freakin abt price! which is how I am).