The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling very powerless today with the goings on of those around me. My mother, who I helped a week and a half ago get my A brother out of her apartment has rescued him once again by putting him up in a motel - "good news she says, he has decided to go the VA for help!". Meanwhile, she has kept him from hitting bottom ONE MORE TIME!. Suggestions for finding an AL-Anon group fall on deaf ears.
Additionally I am on the board at our church and I am being subjected to criticism for taking a stand about how our youth group is being run (not very well) by those who are responsible for it.
I am looking for some balance in all of this. I know that I cannot fix them, and yet I am at a loss for what I should do next to get ME out of this space. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Sometimes we worry needlessly and waste precious time over something in which we have no control, we have to give others around us the opportunity to get it right by themselves, even when we can see so clearly where they might be going wrong, your right where your supposed to be, doing the best you can for all concerned, don't beat yourself up, right is might! Katy x
I can identify with your share. What struck me were the first 5 words of your share -- and how it mirrored the 1st step, "We admitted we were powerless...." For me, it took me a fairly long time to grasp the concept of detachment .. and in certain circumstances I still struggle. If I can be aware of what is going on, and accept the reality of it, then that gets me to my action step. I've come to the point where I pray for guidance in choosing "the next right thing to do." I don't force the issue. I say what I mean, and don't say it mean. I set a boundary of what I will or won't do as part of taking care of myself, include making sure I am true to my values. If I see someone else is enabling or whatever, I will clarify for myself what I will or won't do, and if it feels like the right thing to do to give folks involved notice of that, I do that. I say it once and then I proceed. How other people respond to that I now (usually, that is I try <smile>) see as "useful information." Useful information helps me better discern who I can trust in what kind of circumstance. Useful information can sometimes guide me in the next right thing to do. Sometimes, I feel I can act honorably without telling everyone what I will or won't do -- that I can just proceed to do the next right thing. This has taken me some time to have this change of behavior "feel" good; sometimes it felt right but just was hard to do cause I was used to "doing" all of kinds of things and gee, didn't folks see it made sense?? I had to detach and let go, and in time, folks have begun to listen to me more, actually. And life has gotten easier for me, and better.
As always, you know best for you. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I struggle mightily with this one too - here's something that works for me when I can remember it:
What do I need to say FOR ME so that I feel I have expressed my position or belief kindly, clearly, and as fully as necessary?
NOT so that THEY are convinced to perform any specific action, or to believe any certain concept, or to say any particular words - if that's my motivation, then I'm back to manipulating - but only so that *I* know that *I* did not stuff my feelings or engage in any pretending behaviours (such as, this isn't really happening, or, I'm just fine with this.)
Do I feel a project is being run poorly, but it's not really my project? What do I need to say so that the next time this comes up, I can just say, well, you know how I feel about this? (If they want a reminder, they're welcome to ask.)
For me, this all ties in with paying rigorous attention to what is "my stuff" and what really isn't.
"But I want them to understand" is mine in the sense that it is my honest feeling, and I can honor that by acknowledging that feeling to myself. But it's NOT mine in the sense that what they will and won't understand is between them and their hp, and if I have stated my viewpoint, then it's available to them to either examine and (perhaps!) embrace, or.... not. *I* can rest easy knowing that I have honored myself.
When I am facing conflict with someone in my life, it has helped me greatly to turn to the Al-Anon traditions for guidance. For me, I find it useful to balance the wisdom of the steps (for example, I am powerless) with the wisdom of the traditions (progress for the greatest number depends on unity).
It's with the help of the tradition that I am able to speak up and have my voice counted. Sometimes, having my voice counted simply stating my position once--saying what I mean without being mean--but otherwise I am powerless. For example, you are simply powerless over how often your mother rescues your brother. You can let her know how you feel, but she will do what she wants on this matter.
Other times, having my voice counted means that I must take a stronger stand because something critical is at stake for which I am responsible. For example, since boardmembers are generally responsible for the health and well-being of the organization, you may need to take a strong stand (to the best of your power and ability) if the youth group leaders are jeopradizing the safety of its members, etc. In this case, the overall progress of the organization would be severely jeopardized if, for example, youth group leaders didn't adhere to safety guidelines and someone got hurt. So, in that case, I might speak up and see what other actions are available to me.
When I am facing conflict, I read through the Paths to Recovery book's traditions sections--there's lots of helpful ES&H there that I find useful to apply to my situation, and help me really think a situation through.
good ole Step 1 again Bill , u have given your opinion to the church now let it go, unless your prepared to step in an take it over . We have a right to speak up but have to be responsible enough to let things go and not expect that anything will change. just important that we speak up . Get the focus back on yourself and have a great day . Louise
Thank you for all your thoughts. I think the most frustrating part is knowing that they are not and will not listen because they are lost in the drama of it all - after all it is all about them (or is it all about me?! lol). THINKSTOOMUCH is right on with talking about knowing what is 'my stuff' and what is not. I got it last night that any response to the rantings of the other boardmember would have just added fuel to the fire - and I also want to honor myself by not just wimping out of a confrontation. So, I will continue to pray about the next right thing and take it one day at a time - my HP (God) will handle the outcome.
