The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I just read Kim's post about the goats and it was really inspiring. To keep going, to acknowledge the pain and move despite it and find the joy. I have twice now done things involving my ex and his agf that I will regret. Nothing major just my own confrontational mouth. I come off looking like the crazy one. And as I was crying to a friend of mine about how insane I must be she said first of all, I am not crazy. I am dealing with alot of really difficult stuff. I am dealing with going thru a divorce and everyone acts out when going thru a divorce. Everyone has a story of something they did when they went thru their divorce. It is natural and despite the fact that he is what he is ofcourse I am in pain. Then I was all upset about how crazy I must have looked and she said " Yeah, but who did you look crazy in front of? CRAZY PEOPLE!" That just made me laugh. She said it wasn't like I went insane at the kids school in front of their friends and teachers or something! Oh that is true! I lowered myself to their standard because I am hurt and I want them to hurt as bad as I do. As bad as our kids have been hurting. It's not going to happen and I still have to deal with my pain. I hate this and it is the only time I ever wish I was an A so I could find comfort and release in a substance. I know I am doing better because I am laughing. At myself, at the situation and at them. I pray this is just another learning experience designed by HP to help me grow into a better person and that this is not just who I am.....I want to change.....
There is a good book called GAMES ALCHOLICS PLAY, written by the author of GAMES PEOPLE PLAY. The thesis is, generally, alcholics know what they're doing. They're not stupid. They know how to manipulate you into looking like the crazy person so that they look like the saint. Lately, for example, my father is playing the "Poor pitiful me" game to school administrators. By making me look like an incompetent *****, he gets attn, pity, and admiration for having a daughter with LD/ADD who can't pass spanish. Don't get me started. I'll be banned. But do read the book
Serendipity, you have a good friend there, and she's so right! The divorce - not to mention the happenings in the marriage over the months/years is enough to can make you feel crazy. But you're not crazy - you have alot that you're working through and considering everything - I think you have the right to go a little crazy once in awhile. I have went a little crazy on my husband a few times - out of stress and frustration with everything he'd been putting me through. At the time he probably thought I looked like a maniac, screaming and crying - but I know that he at least realizes he was the biggest contributor to my "going crazy" - not to say I didn't have blame in letting it get that far and letting him drive me that way. Anyway you're not crazy and like your friend said, at least it wasn't in front of a bunch of people ya know. (((HUGS))) I'm not going through a divorce (yet anyway!), but I totally understand how you feel - I've been that "crazy woman".
I think we all have moments of craziness, insanity, whatever you want to call it. We are fragile human beings that are designed to only accept so much information and feeling before we explode. Be good to you, you deserve it. So what if you said some craziness in front of the A and his GF, for you that is what you needed. Think about all the craziness your A has done and put everyone else through... I think you can give yourself a break. Like you said wonderfully use this to your advantage in molding you into what HP wants you to be like. Wishing you a peaceful day.
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
After I posted I mowed my lawn, did a really bad job painting my bathroom because I was crying hysterically and now am waiting to do a second coat. The thoughts that run thru my head are just killing me. I get mad at HP for giving me all this. I mean come on. My dad dying, my ex comming back into my life, finding sobriety, then leaving me again and hooking up with the old lady who lives right in MY village. I can't take it. I know I can and that HP didn't do this to me and is waiting for me to turn to Him. But damn this hurts and is overwhelming. Then I start having these crazy fantasies that he really does love me and comes back and we live happily ever after. I have alot of growing up to do. Just like never recognizing my control issues, I guess I never really saw how immature I am. Thanks for the reminder to be gentle with myself. I was thinking what would I say if a friend of mine were going thru this, how would I comfort her and then I tell myself that. But it the best when I hear it from you guys too. Thanks, and if I think of something funny pertaining to this crazy situation I will post that because I really need to see the humor in this. It is not the end of the world....
Wow - You mowed the lawn, painted the bathroom & are waiting to paint a second coat???
You are definitely a busy little bee!! Heck if anybody questions your actions you can say it was a combination allergic reaction to the cut grass and paint fumes - how the heck are they gonna know the difference? lol
But hey - what ever gets you thru those crazy times - turn up the stereo, paint and dance away - No sappy music only happy dance music (just a suggestion)
Don't know if there is any humor in the situation, but I do know that I have had those hysterically crying days and sometimes keeping busy helped, sometimes the self-care helps and most of all reminding myself that my HP loves me no matter where I am was the most comforting.
Take care of you!! Peace, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I don't know what the "craziness episode" was, but I think regular non A just got tired of eachother people who are going through a divorce do horribly mean things to eachother in the process but time heals all wounds. Besides, who says that there's anything wrong with giving the A a piece of your mind? If it makes you feel better then why not? Obviously this time it didn't make you feel better. I wrote a letter to my A last week talking about how the kids and I are doing and what's going on with us and I ended it wil How the h*** do you think I'm doing I'm supporting 3 kids by myself on 1800 a month AND if you really want to know how they're doing why don't you get your s*** together so you can participate in their lives...
Not so nice but it made me feel better. I have learned it's not my problem how HE feels anymore. How he takes it is on him but what the heck is wrong with pointing out inequities and just saying it like it is? Boo hoo if it hurts the poor little addict's feelings. Sorry, mean southern women are rubbing off on me LOL.
Mine has his revolving door woman too and I have to learn to deal with the pain of that myself. I think I know that I don't really want him but don't want anyone else to have him either. I guess that is all about the plan B factor - that he's always there for me if I want him. Pretty selfish really I suppose. I have always had a hard time being alone, I'm finally starting to settle down and get used to it - actually enjoy it.
