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hello, i am new to the forum although i have been reading the message board for the past year or so and finally plucked up the courage to post my situation which is spiralling out of control. I am originally from the UK and have been living in Cyprus for the past 17 years. i have no way of attending a face to face meet as there is no support over here for family or friends of alcoholics.
my ah has been a drinker since i have known him (17 yrs) and i have noticed in the past 2 years a significant character change. he has always worked and is still working now finishing at 4pm each day whereupon he arrives home approx 8 -9 drunk. I can tell within the first 5 minutes how much he has had to drink and then i have to act accordingly ie keep my mouth shut. leave the room and not make eye contact in the hope he will fall asleep on the couch. however this does not always work as more frequently now he will look for a fight. i am on call out from my job and should this happen in an evening and i have to leave the house i am accused of not working but am meeting another man. things became very serious as the last time i was called out i was attacked upon arriving home, hair pulling, being pushed around etc with the threat of being thrown out of the house, he built it so i have no legal right to stay there . my question is is this paranoia normal behaviour for an a, also my ah does not believe he even has a problem and all this is making me think i am going crazy. your input would be gratefully appreciated.
that paranoia IS normal for a progressive alcoholic. as things spiral out of control, A's tend to become more and more angry, irritable and discontent. that is usually a terrible thing for the spouse and family. 17 years of drinking. woo. as i have learned, drinking heavily usually stunts the maturity level and ability to reason. it is a progressive, fatal disease.
i'm sure glad you got to this website. i hate to think of how i would be without any kind of meetings. keep coming back and posting and you will find, gradually, that things can start to get better for you. plus, you have all of us listening whenever you need to get stuff off your chest!
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I am from the uk also, and would just like to say, a big ((((((((((welcome)))))))))) and glad you plucked up the courage to post here. Paranoia? normal behaviour for alchoholics? Jeez I'm not sure I like to link those two words in the same sentence, but in my experience paranoia has been a big issue for me and mine, and even though my husband is one year sober, paranoia is still part of his make up, it's a horrible thing to deal with because there is nothing normal about it, it's insanity at it's best, and I know that it's reeled me in hook line and sinker many times before. I through the help of this programme, have started to learn self awareness, at my worst I lost the capability to destinguish reality from paranoia, but now I am learning too, you will find sooooo much help here, don't suffer alone, there is nothing you will have suffered that someone here hasn't suffered too, so please keep coming back.
This is my first post, too, although I've been reading since December. My A also accuses me of the same thing, almost always now only when he's drunk. I leave for church or choir practice: "Yeah, I bet that's where you're going." I go to visit my parents: "Hope you have a good time with your boyfriend." He also says he doesn't understand why I stay with him -- he knows he wouldn't if the tables were turned -- so I believe that's the main source of the accusations. He even agrees that's much of the reason he says those things, and when he's sober he says he knows I'm faithful.
I'll tell you what really helped was getting a cell phone that took pictures. I'd take pictures of where I was with the time and date stamp. He said one time he wasn't nuts about that phone. It was the one thing he could say about me that could push my buttons since all I could do was say it wasn't true, but now I could prove where I was and know he'd been shown his suspicions were unfounded. Yes, I know I don't have to prove anything, and most of the time I'd just ignore the remarks, but he knew it bothered me. I'd wait until he made some remark when I got home, then pull out the camera to "share" with him my evening. I must say he doesn't resort to that very often anymore, and he's actually quite easy to live with most of the time if you don't mind not having a real partner in the usual day-to-day activities.
The real issue to me here is not that he is paranoid, but that he is starting to get violent. It is not uncommong for violence to escalate--hairpulling today, a significant shove or worse tomorrow. Generally, we do not give advice unless the person is in danger. Reading your post I became very worried for your safety. Please take steps to ensure your safety--having an escape plan, money saved in case you need to go to a hotel, etc. Please remember, that we can not control the drinking and we can not control someone else's violence either. Trying to understand WHY he is paranoid is fruitless...understanding the reality that he his paranoid and that he has become violent is essential to protecting your sanity and safety.
Glad you joined MIP! Hope you will come back often!
I, too, am concerned for your safety. It is my experience with the disease of alocholism that it is a disease of progression -
Just for safety's sake, I would like to suggest the Plan B method, always having your keys to your vehicle where you can leave the house, extra money hidden, a few friends that you can call anytime for a place to stay -
It's ok to take care of you.
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Yes, the crazy behaviour will tend to escalate, over time. What form it takes probably has a lot to do with what particular demons are chasing your particular A.
But really, is that the point? It doesn't really matter whether he is this way because he is an alcoholic, or because he really doesn't trust you, or because he has some other mental instability, or what. What matters is how you can protect yourself, and care for yourself. The violence will also increase, over time. He is not suddenly going to go back to the way he used to be, or not for long, anyway. Please get yourself some sort of Plan B - a way to get out if you need to, and start considering getting out for good. This situation is not going to get better, unless he finds recovery.
Aha! His mission is accomplished. You think you are going nuts! Yes, I do believe a form of paranoia is typical alcoholic behavior, and if they can make you believe you are the cause of their problems, they have realised a goal. THis existence can make you think you are going crazy, but do not fall into that trap. You didn't cause this, you cannot control this, and you cannot cure this.
I am sorry you have no access to meetings, but please make a habit of coming here where you will find people dealing with similar circumstances who stand ready to listen and offer experience, hope, and strength, peppered with a little "advice" from time to time.
Visited Cyprus several years ago. Lovely!!!
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
