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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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My sister is alcoholic/drug addict currently in rehab (checked herself in by choice). My husband is an alcohoic, possible drug addict - I'm not ready to seperate yet, but it's definitely something I'm considering in the coming months if he hasn't taken any steps to change. So, I'd like to know what specific bounderies I should set with my sister when she gets out and what specific bounderies I should set with my husband given the current situation. Please don't respond with vague things like "determine what bounderies are right for you", I need some sound, solid advice. I should probably mention: I've completed steps 1 and 2 on the Work Steps Board.
Well, I don't have any advice about your particular situation I can throw out some suggestions on Boundaries that I've had to set with my AH. Obviously, my biggest boundary is no alcohol or illegal substances or prescription meds that he's not under a doctor's care for in the house. If he relapses he knows he would be going back to Detox and a halfway house. My personal boundaries pertain directly to our relationship and the problems we have experienced. Money is a big issue. He's responsible for his own bills, managing his bank account. If he overdraws then its his responsibility to pay the penalties. I would say in setting boundaries with your sister... you know her drug usage and the patterns she has. Set your boundaries for yourself to protect your self, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially. Boundaries are not for the other person they are for ourselves so that we may enjoy a life of peace, joy, and serenity. If someone does not wish to accept your boundaries you have a choice on whether to enforce the consequences or change the boundaries. If you set boundaries for yourself in your home to protect you from being exposed to your husband's alcohol and drug use that is the goal, it doesn't mean that he will stop using when he's not around you.
I think in order to set clear boundaries you must know exactly what you want for yourself and know your true feelings on how someone's behavior is affecting you. I know this was probably vague, but there are no clear cut answers to Boundaries, they are flexible and ever changing. As a situation changes or evolves the boundaries change and evolve too. I had to learn that a boundary was set up to protect me and what is most precious to me, its not to keep someone out of my life, but its to keep those unacceptable behaviors out of my life so that I can live peacefully. Hope this helps some.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Boundaries are very different for everyone. I think everyone has a personal level of comfort when it comes to boundaries. For right now, I cannot be around my dad at all if he is using. I am not trying to control or punish him by doing this, I just know I cannot mentally take being around him right now if he is drinking. Personally, I will just leave if he is drinking or just choose not to go home. This boundary I have set could change in the future, but for now, it is what I know I have to do to stay somewhat mentally stable.
It is generic, but I do think you might have to discover what feels comfortable to you in setting boundaries. My mom and bro can put up with more with my dad, and their boundaries are different. My bro will only leave if my dad's intoxication causes him to become mean and angry. Same with my mom. I just can't wait until it gets to that point.
You will be able to find what boundaries are comfortable for you to set. It is not easy, but it can make life a little less stressful at times :)
You ask for solid advice... you've completed steps 1 and 2. step back. noone can give you the answers, as noone else knows all the ins and outs of your situation. the steps are there as a guideline, so that we may individually progress and grow, and come to understand how we can better handle situations, relationships, feelings, etc.. in all the time i have in the program, i have never completed any steps -- i work them, and continue working them. it takes time and patience. my thinking became distorted after living with an alcoholic for a lot of time. it didn't happen overnight.
Al-anon is a program of attraction rather than promotion. The things that worked for many of us, may not work for you, possibly making your situation worse.
Boundaries are a great topic of discussion. The basis of making a boundary is so that unacceptable behavior may be stemmed. I use boundaries to teach other people what I can and cannot tolerate. If bad behavior is brought into my life, I can honestly and openly communicate that I don't like it, accept it, tolerate it, or will have any part while it is present. It is totally individual. No smoking in my house. No drinking on my property. Any physical abuse or threats will be met by the police. Abusive language will be sent out the door. Courtesies and etiquette will be observed. When my nieces and nephews visit, a whole set of food boundaries will be put into place... ie. no junk food, no sugar, no soda, no processed food, no fast food... those are a few of mine.
Keep working the program and keep posting!!! As you keep working it, you will find it easier to implement boundaries and ideals that make your life easier.
We say that if you attend at least 6 face to face al-anon meetings, and still aren't satisfied, we will refund your misery.
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I can recall being where you are. "Just cut the crap and tell me how" right? Unfortunately everyone's circumstances are different so there are no clear cut rules. Twinmom said it best, protect yourself and your feelings.
I can tell you that when my husband and I were invited to parties that I felt like the chauffer for the drunk. He wouldn't leave when I wanted to. What I did was tell him to arrange a ride home because when I was ready to go I was going. He was told in advance and there were times I left w/o him. If he didn't arrange for a ride..Not my problem.
I didn't allow my son to go camping alone with him. It was a tough decision because my son loved camping but I couldn't trust my husband to care for him and keep him safe.
When hubby would come home drunk, I'd leave. It upset me, I didn't want to be around it or him so I'd always have something to do.
All plans used to be foiled if husband was drunk before a planned family outing. We just wouldn't go. I'd play martyr and say "just forget it!" I quit giving up my fun and left w/o him and had fun with my family anyway. No more DAD (Drag-a-drunk)
Drinking just became unacceptable. I always had a plan A and B for important things to ensure that I had an out. Example: He promised not to drink on our anniversary and take me to dinner..(Pfffft! right!) I smelled the alcohol after getting in the car and asked him to get out. Plan A was sunk because he refused to get out. Plan B-I got out (had the keys to other car) got in the other car and left and met my friend for dinner. I had prearranged dinner with her just in case. Of course it was my fault, I was acting rediculous blah blah. Whatever! LOL! There was some satisfaction in watching the dumb look on his face while he was still sitting in the driveway, watching me drive away.
I told him straight up what my boundaries were and what would happen if they were crossed. There were no surprises.
Most importantly. Whatever boundaries you decide on STICK TO THEM. They mean nothing if you don't. Remember you have CHOICES. You do not have to do what you've always done.
Good Luck! Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Regarding boundaries, I had to learn to set boundaries I COULD ACTUALLY ENFORCE.
Here are some of my "boundary failures": I asked/demanded/told my AH to leave the home; since I am physically incapable of throwing him out, and have no legal recourse (violence), AND he wouldn't leave, that was a bust.
More boundary failures: Speak to me with respect. Do not trash my room looking for Vicodin you believe I've hidden for years. Do not drive drunk. Do not withdraw money from our bank account to finance your binges. Do not leave dirty clothes/dishes/personal items all over the front room. Do not sic the dogs on my goat/geese/chickens. Do not fart while standing in front of me and laugh. Do not do no do not yada yada yada.
Boundary successes: I moved upstairs, I no longer sleep (have sex) with him, I leave the room, I take legal action against him (not legally married so divorce isn't possible), I refuse to bail him out of jail, refuse to pick him up when a drug deal goes bad and his motorcycle is stolen, refuse to react when provoked.
Boundaries are not wishes. They are concrete actions or steps I can take with outcomes I can control. Many of my initial boundary failures only needed 'tweaking' (no pun intended), like getting on the ATV and chasing the dogs down, punishing them for chasing my animals (which I ALWAYS do, so they expect it when they see me comin'!), throwing his clothing, shoes and messes in what used to be our bedroom and shutting the door, refusing to go anywhere with him where he has an audience to disrespect me in front of.
Christy, you rock! I love your share, it is so clear and do-able, and even predictable for the A if he/she so desires to pay attention, and if not, well . . .
Gurl, your request for concrete advice is something we all want when we first become aware we need to do something about the alcoholics in our lives. TOTALLY understandable, and it even feels good to get advice, but sadly well meaning advice from one of us could steer you wrong, and we only want you to keep kicking butt as it sounds you are. Congratulations on completing steps one and two, and please keep coming back and posting or venting or sharing your experiences. I really look forward to hearing from you again!
A few months ago I had an epiphany about boundaries that I would like to share.
I accepted a week-long housesitting job for a couple in my town, which required me to water plants, let out the dog, and keep the dog company by staying overnight at their house. I accepted the job even though I knew from previous experience that I got scared staying over at their house because it is in an isolated location, surrounded by woods, etc. I was sure that THIS time I could handle it. Well, each night, I lay in bed, wide awake at 2. 3. 4 a.m. in the morning, terribly frightened and anxious--jumping at every creak, noise, outside carlight, etc. I felt, though, that I had given my word to stay over so I didn't seriously consider leaving. By the morning I was a tired, anxious mess who desperately needed a nap. LOL. As a result of being so tired, I was having trouble doing the things I needed to do for myself during the day. On the third or fourth night, as I lay awake ears peeled for robbers LOL, I suddenly realized--I AM SUFFERING here--I was tired, overwrought, and unable to get my need for sleep met. I realized I was so focused on any sign of danger--what was that noise? Was there someone in the yard? What if a hand comes through the glass window?--that I was distracted from the fact that I was suffering. I had lost all sight of the fact that I had ANY choices. I could: a) continue to suffer b) move to a different room that wasn't on the groundfloor and would therefore help me feel more secure c) invite a friend over to stay with me d) choose to shut down my anxious thoughts the minute they appeared, etc. e) call someone and share how scared I was f) I might even decide to go home for a night until I could get my bearings and decide on a solid plan for the remainder of the nights, etc.... Practical, responsible choices were practically endless but I couldn't see any of them because I was so busy being frightened and obsessing about an intruder.
Needless to say, this incident was like a GIANT LIGHTBULB for me. I had just as easily suffered, stressed, and worried over the A in my life and Alcholism in my life. In the story I tell above, I could just have easily been obsessing about drinking--I could be lying awake for the A to come home, I could be watching their every move to see if they are drinking, I could be counting bottles and pouring out liquor, I could be waiting and waiting and waiting and worrying and worrying and worrying to see if they come home.
That night, I began to understand what a boundary is--a boundary for me is now based on taking solid action on my own behalf, so that I do not suffer. It's deciding to take any one of the choices I outline above in the housesitting example, so I feel at peace and can get on with things like sleep. Like Kim65 said, they are solid, concrete steps to protect myself, my serenity, my body, my spirit, and my mind.
So, if you want to know where to start setting boundaries...I would say start looking at where you have been suffering because of your sister's and husband's alcohol/drug abuse. Just remember that boundaries are for US--they are not to punish the A, but to protect our serenity. Boundaries should indicate what you will do.
For example, if your A knows dinner is at 6 every night, but chronically misses, and you wait for hours every night for him to get home and don't eat dinner when you want to a boundary could be that even if he is not home, you will begin to eat and you will put his share in the frig.
Keep coming back it works if you work so work it you're worth it!
1.) Clearly defined expectations. 2.) Clearly defined consequences. 3.) Clearly set... 4.) Clearly communicated... 5.) Consistently enforced... 6.) without regard to relationship.
The parts help define the whole and provide a balance. An easy way to check to see if a boundary is proper - if a boundary is unworkable or dumb it can be changed.. and I have to live by any I set.
For my husband I wrote down the following boundaries (some of them will apply to my sister as well):
1. There are to be no drugs or alcohol in the house. (we made an agreement with the lanlord in regard to this - so I can and will enforce this) 2. I will not go with you or take you to any place where I know or suspect there will be easy access to drugs or alcohol. 3. Do not come home drunk or high. 4. If we go somewhere and you drink or get high I will leave and you will have to find a ride on your own, but #3 will still apply. 5. If you become physically or sexually abusive I will call the police and we will be officially seperated - you'll not be able to move back in. 6. I will not bail you out of jail or discuss anything with your lawyer. 7. I will no longer call you or your friends to check on you (this is going to be very hard).
The only one you may have trouble with is #3. What will you do about it if he does come home drunk or high? Boundaries are no good without consequences that you can enforce. You can't stop him from coming home. Legally you can't keep him out. So that leaves the action up to you. Are you prepared to leave for the night, or as many nights as he comes home drunk/high? Remember, drinking is what alcoholics do.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Actually, that goes back to number 1, we've made an agreement in this regard with the lanlord - so technically I can enforce it - the lanlord will back me up on it. My husband seems to avoid conflict/confrontations with anyone besides me (his friends all have alot of the same tendencies / possibly addictions as he does) so I think it will be easy to enforce with my lanlord to back me up.
oh yeah, I gave him the boundaries last night - he walked away once when he thought I had no more boundaries to give out I followed him and asked him to pause the tv (typical of a man huh?) and told him the rest. He didn't say anything, seemed serious but I dunno hurt or irritated? When I said the not calling thing he said "Good!" - understandable bc at times I've been really obsessive abt it which has probably made him worse but being afraid for someone you loves life or being physically abused will get you into that pattern very easily. Anyway, he slept on the couch last night, but was fine this morning. I asked if he was mad this morning he said no and kissed me, said he loved me, bye, etc. I am hoping that my sister (who he knows fairly well) being in rehab will kind of help him to realize that it's ok to ask for help. My sister is a very strong person most of the time and has been through SO much, we all love her and are so proud of her. My husband even asked abt visiting her with me but his wk hrs conflict. ANYWAY back on topic, I think he took it pretty well and I believe he knows I'm very serious abt this. I fear that without me he will plummet into an irreversible mess and end up killing himself either but within a year - if not sooner, I am going to leave him if his alcoholism continues to threaten my wellbeing and our relationship.
